Did you know that defensiveness not only causes a cortisol spike, but also releases the powerful enzyme aromatase, and that has an effect on testosterone?

In this show, we’re hearing some more reflections from John Gray—one of my favorite podcast guests ever who always brings the most profound insights—about how to avoid breaking up and instead, reconnect with your partner. You will learn the most common causes that lead to breakups, why marriage statistics are not reliable, what to do when your partner is not happy, and why sexual desire is our strongest drive and of top importance in our relationship. You will also hear great, effective tips for making communication easier with your partner, like how John advises women to “express everything as a preference” since most men just want to be your hero, and as John explains, we have to realize that we are most vulnerable with people we are closest to and most humans don’t like criticism in general. You will also learn what phrase is usually the man’s signal to cease the talking (which, if it continues, will cause the man to get defensive—and this poses problems as it causes a cortisol spike which releases aromatase, and this causes testosterone to convert to estrogen!).

If you are single or in a relationship, you don’t want to miss this show—you will learn so much that will positively affect your relationships, like why you should never try to change the other person, and why you should never make continued requests or demands, why John says to never speak when you have a negative emotional charge (as a man, but this is good advice for all), and more!

TIMESTAMPS:

Some of the major causes of relationship breakups are suppressed emotions and communication problems. [00:49]

Keep yourself happy.  Do not depend on your partner to make you happy. [03:39]

Ideally, the man wants to feel like the hero, the guy who can come through for the partner and family. [04:55]

It works better when women express things as a preference and compliment your partner for doing things. [08:53]

It is man’s basic nature to solve problems so if you just want him to listen, you need to say that. [09:47]

If a man says, “I hear you,” that is the signal for the woman to stop talking. [10:45]

Don’t try to change the other person. Many women are unaware of how controlling they are. [15:33]

Men: never speak with a negative emotional charge and learn how to make a graceful exit. [19:51]

Men can take the time away to reflect on their contribution and see what triggers there are. [21:41]

Learn to validate the women’s challenges. [29:46]

What techniques can the male learn to deal with emotional disturbances or relationship conflict? Number one: live your life so you don’t have to say “I’m sorry” so often. [30:43]

You don’t have to get defensive, men. Execute the desired behavior.  It doesn’t mean you are caving in. [32:32]

You must understand relationships as a 80-20 proposition. [36:52]

The number one most attractive thing a partner can do is watching your partner excel from a distance. [39:39]

Remind yourself there are times when it’s not your problem to solve, but you can be supportive. [41:00]

Sex spikes testosterone. [42:42]

LINKS:

• Brad Kearns.com
• Brad’s Shopping page
• B.rad Whey Protein Isolate Superfuel – The Best Protein on The Planet! Available in Two Delicious Flavors: Vanilla Bean and Cocoa Bean
• NEW: B.rad Superfruits – Organic Freeze-Dried Exotic Fruit Powder! Natural Electrolyte Hydration & Energy Powder
• Beyond Mars and Venus
• Podcast with Dr. Wendy Walsh
• Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus
• Podcast with John Gray
• The Primal Blueprint

LISTEN:

We appreciate all feedback, and questions for Q&A shows, emailed to podcast@bradventures.com. If you have a moment, please share an episode you like with a quick text message, or leave a review on your podcast app. Thank you!

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TRANSCRIPT:

Brad (00:00):
Welcome to the B.rad podcast, where we explore ways to pursue peak performance with passion throughout life without taking ourselves too seriously. I’m Brad Kearns, New York Times bestselling author, former number three world-ranked professional triathlete and Guinness World Record Masters athlete. I connect with experts in diet, fitness, and personal growth, and deliver short breather shows where you get simple, actionable tips to improve your life right away. Let’s explore beyond the hype, hacks, shortcuts, and sciencey talk to laugh, have fun and appreciate the journey. It’s time to B.rad.Brad

Brad (00:38):
Defensiveness causes a cortisol spike and the releasing of the powerful enzyme aromatase, which converts testosterone into,

Brad (00:49):
Okay. Okay, we got more from Dr. John Gray. I’ve already heard some shows with John Gray. That’s right. We’re just bringing some more heat and reinforcement and reflection. As you know, I love this guy. He’s one of my favorite podcast guests ever, and his insights are so profound and he talks so quickly, uh, during our shows that I like to take my own notes and then, uh, organize ’em and give you some more recap and reinforcement, especially because we’re still struggling out there, people. It’s not easy. It shouldn’t be this hard, but if we can build our skills and increase our awareness, maybe we can make a difference and reduce the, uh, the, the, the stress and strain and emotional violence that seems to be pervasive, especially in romantic relationships, should be, uh, one of the highlights or the best part of your life, but instead, it happens to often be the biggest stressor. So, John Gray was talking about some things that lead to breakup, and it’s nice to become aware of these, and then how to get focused and turn the corner and instead of breaking up, reconnect and it’s possible with the skills and the awareness. So, uh, John Gray says, what are some of the major causes of breaking up? It’s suppressed emotions and communication problems. This kills sex drive, creating more distance, <laugh>.

Brad (02:25):
And he reinforces the importance of healthy sexual dynamics in the relationship because it brings you together and makes you feel connected. So if that’s absent, usually because of suppressed emotions and communication problems, we have a downward spiral. He was talking about stats and how they can be misleading. Um, but the, uh, reality is that most marriages make it 10 years more, make it 20 years. But in California, 50% of first marriages end in divorce. 60 to 70% of second marriages end in divorce, and 80 to 90% of third marriages, I don’t know what to say about that. That’s pretty scary. If you keep going down the line and your, your odds get worse, you’d hope that they’d get better and you’d be a better person with more experience. So, hey, the stats are there, but why be a stat, just like in the other show I talked about with the social Security Administration actuarial stats on life expectancy, and you have a 69% chance of making it to age 70 and a 23% chance of making it to age 90, whatever, whatever.

Brad (03:39):
That’s fine and amusing and interesting and I think important to reflect on, but I don’t wanna be part of that chart. I wanna blow it out of the fricking water. And the same goes for my love relationship. <laugh> Mia Moore and I are not stressing about these, uh, these 60 to 70% stats. No thank you, but it’s gonna take some effort and focus, The reasons of suppressed emotions, communication problems, um, lack of sexual intimacy, creating more distance. Um, there’s another reason, and that is one or both partners are not happy, period. So, John Gray’s overarching goal is make yourself happy and do things that make you feel happy, fulfilled content, whether that’s your career, um, your, your hobbies, your pursuits, your passions, and then come to the relationship and look to the relationship to make you happier. I think he said, um, 20%, like, uh, you, you get yourself to a happy and generally happy disposition, and then look to bump bump that 20% rather than what we are fed with the from the movie scene, uh, where, um, you know, you’re, everything to me and I can’t live without you.

Brad (04:55):
And all those kind of wonderful sappy, romantic comments that we’ve been programmed to think are, um, a, a worthwhile part of life. Absolutely, counter opinion to that from John Gray. Get yourself happy. Be happy <laugh> be a good person, and then go for that boost with the relationship. And of course, you can imagine, uh, the downside of your relationship being everything, and I can’t live without you and all that nonsense. Okay? So, here’s a checkpoint for the couple to reflect upon. Ideally, the man wants to feel like the hero and the, the, the guy who can come through for the partner in the family and the woman, deep down, deepest biological drive wants to feel connected. Sexual drive is our strongest drive and top importance toward the relationship. Keep it alive with good relationship skills. We will start with the female assignments, recapped. Females understand that the man wants to be the hero in the story and will do anything to please you

Brad (06:04):
therefore, it is best to express everything as a preference. Humans, in general, don’t like criticism. We don’t respond as well to critical feedback as we do to someone expressing our, their preferences that we really want to please. Deep down our deepest biological drive is the man wants to be the hero in the story. John Gray said, uh, one of the man’s favorite words, I got this, trust me, I’ll take care of it. All that kind of stuff. And then if you get the comeback, like, no, I’m not sure you’re good enough at computers to take care of it, or, I don’t think you should get on the roof because you’re old fat and outta shape, those are not gonna be, uh, in the category of the man wanting to be the hero, right? <laugh>. Okay. also, women realize that we are most vulnerable with people that we’re closest to.

Brad (07:01):
Number one would be the partnership. So you’re most vulnerable in the partnership. This is also true for, um, excuse me, or it’s, it’s, uh, much less, you’re much less vulnerable with your boss, your neighbor, stuff like that. You don’t care as much. Your feelings are not as much on your sleeve as it is in the partnership. So I think that comment is just something to acknowledge that you’re gonna have the biggest payoffs and the biggest sense of connection, but also the most vulnerability and sensitivity when it comes to communication dynamics with your partner. If you are a drifting outside the man’s basic testosterone driven instinct, for example, going to the man and saying, I need your help, is going right to his deepest biological drives and desires. So that comment is probably going to work out really well.

Brad (08:00):
The man is going to help. But if you’re going outside of that basic instinct, like I want you to listen for 20 minutes as I ramble on about the dynamics in the workplace today, that is going to be where you’re gonna need to use more careful language and sensitivity, because you’re going against the man’s basic biological drive. And these are generalizations, as John Gray reminds us about a lot. But the man is generally not attuned to sitting there and listening to, uh, a lengthy discussion of the ins and outs of your workday. He’d rather just solve a problem for you and say, why don’t you quit your stinking job with that lousy boss and, uh, go down the street and get hired by, uh, the other firm? That’s how the man operates on his basic testosterone driven instincts.

Brad (08:53):
So use careful language, especially when you ar drifting away from expressing everything as a preference and perhaps have some critical feedback to share. It’s always better to express it as a preference. Here is the million dollar phrase for females to use when they’re conversing with their male partner quote, it’s not a big deal. Dot, dot, dot. And then whatever you want to say, it’s not a big deal, but I’d appreciate it when you do the dishes and the kitchen is clean, I love a clean kitchen. It’s awesome. When I come in first thing in the morning and everything’s put in their position just like we’re in a restaurant setting, it’s so cool. It’s one of the most important things to me. And when you, when you do it, you’re really good at it, Hey, is that gonna work better than can you clean up the freaking dishes like I asked you seven times <laugh>?

Brad (09:47):
So, the million dollar phrase, it’s not a big deal, but fill in the blank with a preference that is going to get good results. Much better results than nitpicking the female assignment, again, is to refrain from nitpicking, express everything as a preference. Here’s another winning phrase for females to use, and this is to rein the male back in from his drifting toward his testosterone driven basic biological drive quote. I just want you to listen right now, end quote. So the man is going to have the tendency to want to offer solutions, solve problems, perhaps even dispense some constructive feedback. That is the man’s basic nature. So if you just want him to listen as you vent about your exhausting, stressful workday, you might have to tell him that in plain language. I just want you to listen right now.

Brad (10:45):
I don’t want a solution. I don’t want advice. I don’t want constructive feedback, and that is going to work a lot better than just diving into the same pattern over and over, where the man reflexively tries to solve all your problems and is so wise about what you should do to navigate the waters of, uh, corporate politics. So I just want you to listen right now, and then, let’s predict much better success. Fnally, again, these are female assignment, so express everything as a preference. Be careful when you’re drifting outside of that basic, uh, testosterone driven drive to solve problems. And, uh, you’re asking for help, use phrases like it’s not a big deal say, I just want you to listen right now. And then finally, when a man says, I hear you, that is the signal to cease your talking.

Brad (11:35):
If the talking continues, whatever it’s about, especially if it’s about something contentious, if the talking continues, the man will start to get defensive, and then the interaction will become destructive because the woman has lost the connection she desires. Defensiveness causes a cortisol spike and the releasing of the powerful enzyme aromatase, which converts testosterone into estrogen. So if you sit that man down and talk for too long, because you said, I just want you to listen right now, but you go on and on and on, or especially if you drift away from his desire to be the hero in the story, and start to share a litany of nitpicks with the man, he is going to convert testosterone into estrogen, feel like less of a man and more of a bitchy boy. And of course, I made up that word, but John Gray is describing just that where when you’re, when when the man’s testosterone drops, that’s when he loses his emotional regulation and his sensitivity, especially to the female, and will start bitchyboy back at you with counter defensive arguments and nitpicking for you.

Brad (12:46):
And that is the anatomy of an argument and eventually a breakup. So the men who are well-trained by John Gray as well, will use the term I hear you, and that is your signal to stop talking, even when you started with your training from John Gray saying, I just want you to listen right now. If you need more, if a man’s not giving you that attentive ear that you need another great insight from the book Beyond Mars and Venus is that you need to go to the community for that. We are asking too much of the romantic relationship today where we want the partners to be all things in every way. And it’s much, much better, perhaps for the female to go to her wine club meeting, or her book group or the salon. And that is the best place where you can ramble on with 20 minute monologues about the particulars of your, uh, stressful corporate workplace and not get constructive criticism, advice, interruptions, solutions, the things that your man might be inclined to dispense, despite his best effort to sit there and smile and listen.

Brad (13:48):
And I hope I’m not offending anybody with these, you know, basic characterizations, but we’re trying to make important points here. And the people I do offend that I talk to sometimes about this stuff, and now we’re arguing that culture is so advanced that it’s really not fair to say that females like to talk things out too long. And males are these brutes that just like to solve problems and move on to the next thing. But again, underneath the evolved culture are these basic biological drives of the male and the female, and we have to recognize them in order to succeed. So indeed, we don’t want to typecast people or diminish or marginalize, uh, the female typecasts as we have done for decades in the past. Thankfully, we’re moving beyond that. Um, but we also wanna recognize these tendencies and see how they show up in your relationship.

Brad (14:40):
And as John Gray often mentions, at the outset of our shows, these also apply to same sex couples where the dynamics and the yin and yang and the masculine and feminine drives appear, and they interrelate with each other, even, even if both partners are the same sex, right? So we still have, uh, someone who wants to vent and needs someone to listen and so on and so forth with all these examples. Okay? And by the way, when the female just wants you to listen, John Gray’s term for that is the, these are Venus talks. The female needs to vent, and the male needs to sit there and listen intently and use supportive phrases like, I hear you. But that’s the, that’s the closing phrase. So, uh, that supportive phrase during the venting period might be, “tell me more.” I”s that so?” Confirming that you’re listening, validating what she has to say, repeating the last statement, all those good communication skills.

Brad (15:33):
So just finishing up the female assignment that we started with this time, don’t worry, men, we’ll get to you. Don’t try to change the other person. Women often don’t even realize how controlling they are. Don’t try to control or make continued requests and demands versus preferences. What will happen is the man will drift in the other direction. Can anyone raise their hand and confirm that this is true? I can for sure. It just, the diminishing of the communication and the, uh, the creating of more and more distance, because the female doesn’t realize how controlling she is and tries to control or make continued demands and requests versus expressing preferences is a recipe for failure. Your man is going to drift in the other direction. And listen to my voice getting emphatic females, I’m lecturing you here, but don’t worry, I’ll save some energy for the man too that are not following the assignments.

Brad (16:33):
Here’s what happens when you continue drifting down in this direction. Uh, oh, here it is. If the woman becomes the hero of the story and is there to serve a sensitive, emotionally weak and needy male, she produces vasopressin and feels bonding, but the sexual energy is dead, can anyone raise their hand and acknowledge how prevalent this relationship dynamic is, where you have the superwoman of modern times, who is there, earning some income in the workplace, maybe being the primary breadwinner in some cases, and also being the primary nurturer caretaker? What happens is the male becomes sensitive, sensitive, emotionally weak, needy, she feels that suppressant and bonding like she’s taking care of the family. She’s being all things to all people, which is honoring her deepest biological drive to be the nurturer caretaker, but the sexual energy is dead.

Brad (17:35):
I remember my show from Dr. Wendy Walsh to interject here, where she cited statistics where if the female is the primary breadwinner, the rate of divorce is absolutely astonishing. Like it just doesn’t work well unless the couple really opens up and reflects and acknowledges this and acknowledges that they’re swimming upstream against healthy, peaceful relationship dynamics. I personally feel like <laugh>, that would be no problem, right? I mean, you want to be an evolved male and think, so let’s say if your wife started to make double or triple your income, would you feel diminished, sensitive and emotionally weak and needy? Hell, no, man, I’d be planning the trips, right? But we do have to when we get done with the blather, realize how these are going against the basic biological drives and a recipe for relationship difficulty. I think Wendy Walsh had not only the rate of divorce, but the rate of infidelity on the male side when he’s sitting home, cleaning house, taking care of the kids, the females out there kicking, and it’s a recipe for trouble, not necessarily guaranteed, right?

Brad (18:42):
We just have to talk through it, communicate, understand the need to honor the male’s, deepest biological drives, even if the female’s waking, making way more money than the male, and you can make it work, right? Anyway, if the woman becomes the hero, the sexual energy dies, even though she’s getting that some of those basic biological needs met, in many cases, the happy marriage is following this dynamic where there is no passion, but the relationship works in a way because the woman is the hero and takes care of everything and kind of sorta emasculates the male. So if the woman is dressing, making the wardrobe for the man, planning vacations, planning restaurants, making all the decisions about the kids just kicking, and the man is trudging around perhaps, earning living in the workplace, but you know, not part of a winning team in the relationship and feeling diminished, John Gray says, this is a very common occurrence in the quote unquote happy marriage category, because they’re still married and they smile and they like each other, but when that sexual energy is dead, it’s vastly below top potential, okay, females.?

Brad (19:51):
So you don’t need to be all things to all people, and you’re allowed to go out there and ask for help from your male. And if he’s a little bumbling at first and a little slower on the computer than you or what have you still realize that you are honoring his deepest biological drives and going for relationship success. And now we’ve taken a little commercial, maybe we will put a commercial in, I don’t know. But, uh, it’s time to turn over to the male assignments. And your number one assignment is to be the kung fu master in the story. Never speak with a negative emotional charge. I remember looking at John Gray through the Zoom screen, and he was so emphatic about this. I’ll never forget that. Look on his face. He said, how many times do I have to say this? Males never speak with a negative emotional charge.

Brad (20:41):
If you do start to get your hackles raised, if you start to get quote unquote triggered, and you start to feel like you’re getting defensive, make a graceful exit so that you don’t scare your woman. Um, he also mentioned on another show that in primal times, the female’s biggest fear was, you know, predator danger, danger period in the harsh circumstances of, uh, survival of the fittest, uh, life or death, primal times. And today, with all those things all neutralized, the female’s biggest fear is the anger from her male partner. She needs to feel secure and stable and protected. And your anger, male is the one thing on the top of the list that is on the biological setting, uh, is, is their biggest fear. So you may not, you may not unleash on your female. That is a recipe for disaster and disconnection and eventually breaking up instead of coming together.

Brad (21:41):
So never speak with a negative emotional charge and get good at making graceful exits. Yes, you can use that term, I hear you. And if you are done and feeling cooked and boiling it up inside, figure out how to make a graceful exit. Take your cave time. This is going back to the foundation. The big, the beginning of John Gray’s, um, career as the leading relationship expert of all time. The bestselling author in the world over the decade of the nineties was, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. He wants males to go and get their cave time. Cave time is disengaging from unhealthy relationship dynamics, disengaging from your, core daily responsibilities to go do things that nurture testosterone and honor your biological drive to conquer your environment, solve problems, and achieve goals. So that would be any number of things, including going and playing video games, really honoring those deepest biological drives because you’re, uh, trying to conquer and control your environment and explore and solve problems and achieve goals.

Brad (22:46):
That wouldn’t be the best one on my list. But of course, going out there and doing a workout, competing in sports, especially with, with the competitive aspect of that going and tinkering with your motorcycle in the garage, things that, uh, you have a keen interest in and make you feel like a sense of accomplishment. So those are going and taking cave time. This is also including things like mindfulness practices and things where you can gain control of your emotion. And also, when it comes to dealing with relationship difficulty, you want to go and take some cave time to reflect and discover your own role in the story in the situation versus blaming. And I can assure you that those words really hit home with me, and I’m trying very hard to reflect on my contribution to the interaction or whatever it was that was causing disturbance.

Brad (23:47):
And not just with the relationship, but with anything in a business setting, a family, kids, but most importantly, the relationship. Uh, there’s a little interaction. Um, I get spicy because I don’t appreciate someone backseat driving. And then I reflect on it later, and I realize what’s the big deal of someone offering, a feedback in the vehicle to turn here or switch lanes? Why do I get sensitive and offended by it? What is it about me that doesn’t just appreciate the comment for what it was and not have to get, uh, defensiveness and triggered? And so when you continue to reflect on your contribution, even if I’ve heard some therapists say, even if it’s 80% the other person’s fault, and only 20% your fault, even that’s a bunch of, BS right? Like, come on now, just figure out, you know, uh, uh, your contribution.

Brad (24:44):
And if it’s 1%, well, let’s focus on that 1%, then, man, maybe it’s actually 23% or 71, and you’re just fooling yourself saying it’s 1%. And I’ve in the process of these reflections, I’ve realized that what I bring to the table from my own embedded programming is a huge contribution to the story. And that simple example of backseat driving what is it about little boy, Brad, that doesn’t like anyone to comment? They just, what do I wanna be like an Uber driver and just have people sitting in the backseat smiling until I drop ’em off at their destination? So those are good wake up calls to get that cave time, not only to go and bust out a workout and, and kill some people in the, in the video game or whatever you like to do, but also to reflect and discover your own role in the story versus blame.

Brad (25:33):
If you feel a little resistance here, with these assignments, realize that everything requires balance. You don’t have to stuff your feelings, but controlling your emotions, saying everything that’s necessary with loving kindness and expressing preferences versus critiques will go a long way. Here’s a tip along these lines. John Gray suggests get the woman talking more than you. <laugh> woman, woman needs that, right? We’re honoring, uh, relationship connection and basic biological drives. So when you go out to dinner or wherever you’re going, um, try to get the woman talking more than you. I’ve also heard anecdotally as well as from experts that, um, the first date and the second date in the dating scene, uh, it’s usually tremendously dominated by the male talking and, uh, trying to, uh, list all their accolades and positive qualities while the female sits there and smiles and listens intently.

Brad (26:39):
So maybe we could flip that script. If you’re on the dating scene and, and you’re got a first date coming up, or a second, or a third or a fourth, maybe sit back, ask some thoughtful questions, listen intently and flip that script a little bit. The women need to talk. They love to talk. That’s their way of connecting. And you can sit there and bask in your ability to control your emotions and override your basic inclination to present your case on the first date. And then maybe on the hundredth date, it will continue to be a positive element of your relationship where you’ve both had a busy, stressful day, maybe yours was more stressful than your partners. But guess what? You’re gonna listen and listen intently for as long as necessary to get that Venus talk objective accomplished. Now, if you really do feel the need to talk through a complex problem, maybe it’s the financial ramifications of planning your career change or starting a new business, whatever it is, if you feel a need to talk through a problem, do it with a male, not with your female partner.

Brad (27:50):
And also, uh, find ways that you can achieve a personal happiness, satisfaction, and contentment outside the relationship through personal achievements. That’s why, uh, I put, uh, fitness and athletic competition so high up there. You come home in a good mood as a happy content well adjusted person. You’ll be much better for the relationship, rather than being too intertwined, codependent, whatever you want to call it, where you’re relying on someone else’s energy to make you happy. Okay? If you can’t do this, males, if you can’t do these assignments, if you can’t get the woman talking more than you, if you can’t take cave time and instead find yourself, uh, getting your fencing sorted up and going into, the toches with the female instead of making a graceful exit, guess what’s gonna happen? You’re gonna get stuck in a loop where you’re trying to fix everything and it doesn’t work, because that is not what the female wants.

Brad (28:54):
When you are trying hard to fix things and it’s not working, your testosterone will drop and you will feel frustrated. This is ditto for the female not feeling safe due to your anger, due to your tendency to be a bitchyboy when things get difficult, and that will cause her to drop her estrogen. And again, back to the basic insights, uh, that John Gray shared in so much detail in our previous shows. We need to honor our basic biological drives and have hormone optimization in order to be the best that we can be. So the male needs to protect testosterone throughout life at all costs. And please go back and listen to my shows dedicated to that subject of healthy natural strategies for testosterone optimization. Same for the female, to have that optimized estrogen level where she feels like the best woman that she can be.

Brad (29:46):
Okay? So if you don’t make your female feel safe, ’cause you have a tendency be tendency to be a bitchyboy and lash back, whenever you get some, uh, constructive feedback, she will drop her estrogen. Furthermore, when a woman is hungry or stressed, she has a difficult time making up her mind. Instead of fixing or worse, shutting her down, help her talk through these difficulties and validate the challenges that she’s facing right now. If she’s hungry and exhausted and having difficult time making up her mind, work through it with her rather than get boy and frustrated and say, why can’t you just make up your mind fast like me, because she’s a female and you’re a male? Okay? Men are from Mars, women are from Venus. Here are some John Gray techniques to use when you are feeling emotional disturbance or relationship conflict.

Brad (30:43):
Again, we finished the female assignments, so now we’re getting to the male. We’re deep into the male. Here’s your techniques. Males first, don’t say, I’m sorry, too frequently. This will knock down your testosterone and make you feel like you’re blowing it and getting diminished. And let me go back to that medium point in the show where I finished the female assignments, and I said, you know, if you can’t fix this stuff, and the man drifts in the other direction, the woman becomes the, the hero and the story, and she serves a sensitive, emotionally weak, needy male with a dead sexual energy, um, takes care of everything, and emasculates the male, not a good deal. Um, so don’t say I’m sorry too often, or you will feed into that dynamic where the female is the superhero and you’re diminished.

Brad (31:35):
Of course, it’s appropriate to say sorry, when you really need to. But I, I also check this, uh, many times, uh, myself and also when I was, uh, raising kids, and they’d say, sorry, and I’d say, you know, okay, I heard you, and I also recommend living your life in a way where you don’t have to say sorry so often <laugh>. And that was kind of a theme I would hit, uh, frequently, uh, with, with parenting and also with, uh, with yourself here. Okay? So if you find yourself males having to say, sorry about this, sorry about that, sorry, I didn’t get to the rain gutters. I was really busy today with my computer, um, sorry for raising my voice, uh, again last night as well as the previous night. Whew, let’s extricate from that pattern and realize that saying sorry, while a laudable characteristic in general is not going to serve the relationship,if it keeps coming up, live your life in a manner where you don’t have the need to say sorry so much.

Brad (32:32):
So that’s number one. Don’t say sorry too much. Number two, acknowledge to yourself that your partner still loves you. Instead of getting easily defensive and butt hurt, you get to thi say things like, I hear you, or another winning phrase is, I’ll think about it. But you don’t necessarily have to say yes. So if you’re getting worn down, for example, you can say, I hear you, and I’ll think about it, but you don’t have to cave, cave, cave, cave over and over again, or you’re gonna head back to that middle, uh, uh, comment here where, um, the, the man is emasculated and the woman is the superhero. Number three, execute the desired behavior. When your partner expresses a preference and get over yourself in the process, I threw that in there because sometimes the preferences that are expressed might chap you a little bit because you think you know, the correct way to do everything.

Brad (33:37):
So if your partner asks you to park the car in the garage in this manner so that, uh, the door’s not so close to the cupboard, you think, well, that’s ridiculous because, uh, you know, uh, we need more room on, on the right side. Get over yourself. Just do it. Try to be the hero in the story. Your females following her assignments and expressing things as a preference rather than a nitpick. So if you get, uh, preferences expressed, make it happen, man. An LA Times article, I think this was the title, or at least it was the theme, uh, I saved it from long ago, and it was, uh, research validating that a happy marriage is when the woman gets what she wants, and then they go on and on talking about couples that have been married 50 years, and couples that have been married 30 years, say this and this, and this.

Brad (34:27):
So when the woman gets what she wants, when she gets her preferences met again, females, you’re not to be nitpicking to get what you want, but expressing preferences, that’s when you have a happy marriage. And, uh, some more comments regarding that. That female CEO dynamic where the female is handling everything and feeling, the vasopressin and the bonding, but the sexual energy is dead. The man lets it happen. He lets himself get walked on and you know, demoted to vice president, while the female’s, the CEO, the man lets it happen because he desperately wants his woman to be happy. So he does not want to force the issue or control the decision making. However, man, you cannot yield too much here. You must be assertive, confident, and nurture that high testosterone level. Remember the high testosterone is representative of a man who is calm, cool, and collected at all times, and act as a kung fu master has that confidence, has the insurgence to say, you know, uh, tonight I feel like going to taqueria instead of the fancy restaurant.

Brad (35:36):
And I would love to invite you, if you’re interested, instead of, I don’t know, where do you want to go? I don’t know. Where do you want to go? I don’t know. Where do you wanna go? These are cues that are going, tapping into the deepest biological drive for relationship harmony. So take it, man, take and run with it. When men get too close and too henpecked by woman, the woman’s, the man’s estrogen goes up, and if it goes up too much, they start to lose interest in the sexual dynamic that should be the underpinning of a healthy relationship. If you get too close and too henpecked, you have to continually work on that rubber band and stretch it out and get some distance. Esther Perel calls it polarity, and that’s what brings the sexual energy back.

Brad (36:25):
So make sure you make your own space, your own hobbies, your own cave time. And this is especially true in a new relationship where things get intertwined fast, for example. And, uh, you move into her crib and all the rules are hers and all the pots go here and the Tupperware goes there, and you’re walking around like you’re a servant rather than a cohabitants. So just watch out for that.

Brad (36:52):
And now we get to some final assignments for relevant to both sexes. And these are some somewhat recap and some, maybe some, some new stuff. But one I mentioned a little bit at the outset where you must understand relationships as a 80 20 proposition. So you make yourself happy to the 80% mark, and then the partnership offers the potential for 20% bliss.

Brad (37:19):
You know, 20% boost in how awesome life is, how awesome your own life is. This is especially relevant for someone who’s single and open and willing to explore a possibility of re relationship. You gotta bring your a game to the table, uh, so that you have a potential to get that 20% boost. Remember that you can get your needs met, with disparate relationships. So you have, uh, your career, uh, your buddies, um, your wine club, your book club, your golf buddies, whatever it is. This is Wendy Walsh’s insights from evolutionary psychology, her field of expertise, and on her podcast mating Matters. Uh, she says, remember, humans are wired to operate in small hunter gatherer bands of around 30. And the hunter gatherer research that we share, uh, extensively in books like The Primal Blueprint.

Brad (38:17):
So typically what you’re finding is, uh, hunter gatherer bands of around 30 people, uh, and then they come together oftentimes to bigger groups in the winter time or when they hunker down for a while. And those groups could be up to the size of 150. And that’s Dunbar’s number British anthropologist Robin Dunbar saying that, uh, we only really have the capacity to nurture 150 interpersonal relationships with any, uh, depth or, uh, significance. And so today’s digital world, where we have a thousand, uh, connections or whatever, um, is beyond the, the, the capacity of the human brain to have really, uh, a nurturing and reciprocal relationships where you’re getting, uh, you’re, you’re getting a benefit and, and giving a benefit as well. So, um, we’re used to a, a pack of 30, and now oftentimes we have a pack of two, or if we’re in a little family situation, we have a pack of four, the nuclear family, and it’s not aligned with human evolutionary psychology or our genetics.

Brad (39:19):
So there’s so much pressure today on the partnership, it’s okay for your partner to be your best friend, however, getting time away and space away, or definitely okay, and definitely healthy. So yes, we want you to have some disparity in your hobbies and interests away from your partner, stuff that you do outside of the partnership. Again, Esther Perel’s notes, this is what leads to sexual attraction, is that polarity, Esther Perel cites research, uh, revealing that the number one most attractive thing a partner can do. The thing that, uh, turns on your partner the most is watching your partner excel from a distance. In other words, not running the business together, uh, but celebrating the success of your partner as she just made partner at the law firm. And you are in a completely different career, but you’re so excited for her.

Brad (40:12):
And you’re gonna go to the new partner banquet and celebrate and, and watch her give a speech and talk about how happy she is to, uh, to ascend to in, in her career. So that is, that is a huge turn on when your partner does something and you get to stand back. So we’re watching the people excel in the Olympics, and the guy gets outta the pool and goes over and hugs his wife or off track side. That’s a winning relationship dynamic right there. So that’s number one. Understand the relationship as an 80 20 proposition and understand the power of polarity. Number two, don’t take things personally. Get good at minimizing. You don’t have to say that out loud, um, when you’re getting some critical feedback or something, but remember that it’s not a big deal.

Brad (41:00):
Remember that your partner still loves you. You know, let her vent if necessary or, or him vent in the case that we are, we’re trying to warn against. But minimize the, uh, significance in your own mind. Just remember, deep down, your partner loves you, you’re having a rough interaction, but it’s not life or death, okay? You don’t have to mount a defense and go into boy mode and start arguing back. It’s just someone’s unhappy. It’s gonna happen. Uh, find your own happiness or you become a victim. If you’re a plumber, here’s a John John Gray analogy thrown in. If you’re a plumber, don’t stress. If the electrical system is broken in the house, it’s not your job, okay? You get it. You know how to apply that to, if your partner has a bad day at work, and they’re emotionally dysregulated when they come home, it’s not your problem.

Brad (41:48):
You don’t have to own it and have that be have that allow you to get brought down. I think this is also really relevant when there are difficult family dynamics on the side of your partner. So it’s not really you and your family, it’s not your brother that’s acting up again. And, everyone’s really up in arms or a situation with someone else’s parent. You’re just there to offer love and support and, you know, a voice and a calm of reason, but you don’t have to get into it and have it bring the partnership down, realize that you can control your response, control your emotions, and then you are free from the prism of emotions that are unregulated with relationships. This freedom allows you to maintain sexual attraction. We lose sex drive because of the fear of potential criticism or defensiveness or loss.

Brad (42:42):
The closer you are, the less defenses you have to criticism. You’re more exposed, more naked to the potentially destructive effects. So, um, you know, keep that freedom, maintain that polarity. When a man feels successful and his testosterone rises, he also gets a burst of dopamine, which provides motivation to continue with these winning behaviors. When dopamine is high, another hormone is produced called vasopressin. That’s the bonding hormone. It actually, John Gray says, it’s the hormone that causes erection and the desire for bonding, regarding, uh, sex, because we keep mentioning it in the show. So a little more further notes here. Sex spikes testosterone, estrogen, and dopamine. But male orgasm causes testosterone to decline in favor of estrogen and oxytocin. So he feels content relaxed and bonded. He did his reproductive duty, his deepest biological drive, and he served his genetic purpose on the planet, right?

Brad (43:41):
But he feels flat. So testosterone needs to be rebuilt by going out there and honoring those biological drives that spike testosterone, that’s problem solving, doing something adventurous, taking personal cave time to pursue personal goals. For the female sex spikes estrogen and oxytocin orgasm builds estrogen and helps the female unwind from a testosterone dominant day, for example, in the workplace, or just, uh, solving problems, exploring, taking on challenges, right? That’s kind of the busy harried modern female day. So what does that mean, <laugh>? We heard some, negative stuff after the male orgasms. He’s flat, but about the female, it builds estrogen and helps her unwind from a testosterone dominant day. So yes, indeed. The sexual assignment per John Gray’s lifetime of research is you want to have daily intercourse with the female orgasming every single day on the man side, optimal frequency is one time every seven days, and that’s from prominent Japanese research showing that testosterone spikes or maximizes after seven days of abstinence.

Brad (45:01):
Uh, but if you, uh, abstain for longer than that, testosterone will progressively drop. So it’s like, use it or lose it. You wanna have frequent sexual activity. But John Gray’s big on, uh, withholding orgasm, having the sex without the male orgasm, but, uh, definitely the female orgasm every single day. I think I’m gonna end it on that, even though there’s more notes. We’re gonna do another show, but John Gray, bringing the heat, and with a big finish here, man, that’s the assignment. And, uh, by the way, that one time every seven days that is somewhat age group dependent. So I’ve dug further into this research and realizing that, um, a male in their peak reproductive years, so, you know, teenagers, twenties, thirties, probably there’s probably an unlimited pass there. So as, as much as you can is not gonna adversely affect your hormone panels, but then as, as it goes by decade, I recall seeing like, you know, age 40 to 50, it is two to three times a week.

Brad (46:02):
Uh, age 50 to 60 is one to two times a week, age 60 and over is one times a week or less. And that is, uh, aligned with, um, these, uh, these i ideas about, uh, testosterone optimization in the bloodstream. Not very popular there. And I’ve heard some definite pushback from, uh, not only, uh, the lay person. What do you mean once a week? That’s it. What are you talking about? But also, Dr. Cate Shanahan shared on, on one of our shows, I think that, um, some of this Eastern mysticism and Taoism about, uh, withholding orgasm, uh, doesn’t line up with, uh, modern biology where, uh, the sperm can be replenished in 48 to 72 hours. Something, something like that. So, if someone’s, uh, concerned about are they having sex too frequently, I’m gonna put them in a good category here, versus the many, many couples that are struggling and suffering and feeling disconnected and a lack of sexual energy. So, you could have worse problems, let’s put it that way. But, uh, take note of that, uh, optimal male frequency versus the optimal female frequency of every single day and go out there and work on it.

Brad (47:11):
Thank you so much for listening, watching, hoping I get some really cool, thoughtful comments on this show. So as always email podcast@bradventures.com, and we will keep the dream alive and keep the theme alive. That’s a wrap.

Brad (47:29):
Thank you so much for listening to the B.rad Podcast. We appreciate all feedback and suggestions. Email podcast@bradventures.com, and visit brad kearns.com to download five free eBooks and learn some great long cuts to a longer life. How to optimize testosterone naturally, become a dark chocolate connoisseur, and transition to a barefoot and minimalist shoe lifestyle.