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Brad Kearns

I’m pleased to celebrate with you on the occasion of publishing our 500th episode of the B.rad podcast!

Since launching in 2018, it’s been great fun to connect with those of you who shared email feedback and Q&A, and also a tremendous honor to bring so many amazing guests to you. I’ve learned so much and been so inspired by these interviews—they have truly been life changing. In deciding what special show to air for the 500th episode, I have to go with the fourth appearance of the one and only Dr. John Gray—the #1 best-selling relationship author of all time with his Mars & Venus franchise (MarsVenus.com).

My first interview with John in January of 2019 was incredible. It was one of his first interviews after losing his longtime partner Bonnie, and was pretty emotional. I was so touched afterward that I spontaneously proposed to Mia Moore the following day—at baggage claim at Burbank airport! He described the ideal partner and I realized, “Hey, what am I waiting for?”

If you haven’t heard John before, get ready for a wild ride on this show. It’s like he has a windup dial on his back and all he needs is a quick question and he goes to town with intensity, focus, and passion. Some of John’s notions and instructions might seem controversial, but as I navigate daily life, I realize more and more that he is spot on. Listen to my show “John Gray Essential Male & Female Relationship Assignments” as I recap ways to achieve relationship harmony and rekindle that lost spark.

In this episode, John gives us a very interesting, entertaining and fast-moving master class on how to achieve relationship breakthroughs amidst all the ruts, dysfunction and burnout that we see in today’s world. It’s easy to take relationships for granted today, as we succumb to the allure of dopamine-triggering instant gratification, and heck, we even have Apps that make it easy to pursue a succession of exciting, short-term relationships instead of the richness of committing to a lifelong partner.

If you’ve been stuck in a mild rut, or want to learn how to avoid one and keep relationship magic alive for decades, John will explain how in this potentially life-changing episode. Hang on for a fantastic ride where John gives you everything you need to succeed in your love relationship. To engage further with John and his teaching partner and daughter Lauren, enroll in an online or live course on his website—Mia Moore and I are attending a John Gray couples weekend later this summer, so maybe you’ll want to join us.

Visit MarsVenus.com for details.

TIMESTAMPS:

There are hormonal underpinnings that influence modern relationship dynamics. [01:47]

Why is it that some longtime couples get stuck in relationship ruts? [03:56]

What is happening to young men’s being de-masculinized in today’s world? [06:15]

Couples need to have time together and time apart. [09:19]

People take things for granted and get bored because we are used to the dopamine spikes we get from something new and different. [12:55]

We have to limit our exposure to screens and other things that tempt us so we don’t jeopardize our relationships. It is important to have body to body contact. [15:57]

When a woman can be vulnerable, allow herself to feel that vulnerable place, that’s what turns men on. [17:59]

Women, in general, are insecure about being loved and being seen, whereas men’s vulnerability is about being successful. [21:22]

Dopamine increases testosterone in men, and when women feel safe, it increases their estrogen, this creating the atmosphere for sex. [25:50]

Men want to feel productive in order to make testosterone. [29:55]

Connecting and socializing with others is very important.  [37:55]

The male brain doesn’t fully develop many of the masculine genes. There is a big difference in biology between men and women. [39:27]

The difference in biology of men and women is the Y chromosome. Mentoring is very important. [42:14]

Anything a woman does that lowers stress, is raising her estrogen. [45:51]

So you gotta do something first, solve the problem, deal with the challenge, then go chill and rebuild testosterone. [47:55]

The way women and men communicate is very different and should be understood so the talk between the couple is clear. [50:09]

The feeling that you are being appreciated and trusted, makes a big impact, particularly in men. [54:45]

In same sex couples, they have a male and female side inside of each of them. [59:52]

Being vulnerable is not always positive. It can be the beginning of a violent confrontation. [01:04:25]

Today’s females biggest fear is her partner’s anger. [01:10:24]

One tip is for the woman to get for four hugs a day and ask, “Do you love me?”

Research shows that if you have sex more than once a week, the testosterone level in the man will diminish. [01:23:17]

Little things make a big difference for women. Little things do very little for men. [01:29:27]

Women should learn to ask for things, even when it is something she can do for herself. [01:31:21]

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TRANSCRIPT:

Brad (00:00:00):
Welcome to the B.rad podcast, where we explore ways to pursue peak performance with passion throughout life without taking ourselves too seriously. I’m Brad Kearns, New York Times bestselling author, former number three world-ranked professional triathlete and Guinness World Record Masters athlete. I connect with experts in diet, fitness, and personal growth, and deliver short breather shows where you get simple, actionable tips to improve your life right away. Let’s explore beyond the hype, hacks, shortcuts, and sciencey talk to laugh, have fun and appreciate the journey. It’s time to B.rad.

John (00:00:38):
Any emotion is estrogen. You can’t have an emotion without estrogen. That’s the fuel of emotion. And the, the, the fuel of testosterone is,

Brad (00:00:50):
Oh my gosh, people, what can I say about John Gray? I think he’s my all time favorite podcast guests, and he was so generous to join me for the fourth time. It’s been five years, almost exactly since our first recording in January of 2019. And as listeners are familiar with I was inspired the very next day to propose to Mia Moore after he was describing the ideal partner. And I said, oh my gosh, she’s right there with me. What am I waiting for? So this man has had a profound impact on my life dating back many years since his string of bestselling books started in the nineties. Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus, and John Gray is known as the number one bestselling relationship of all time with his series of books relating to that Mars and Venus theme in particular the release of Beyond Mars and Venus

Brad (00:01:47):
brought a whole new element to his life’s work, and that is the hormonal underpinnings that influence modern relationship dynamics, especially the difficulties that we have as culture and gender roles evolve and advance from the dated examples of the previous generation. It also comes with a lot of challenges where we are still, uh, influenced by our primary biological drives for the male that is testosterone, and for the female that’s estrogen, but we’re asked to kind of suppress those or intermingle those with our modern roles, and that’s where we get into a lot of trouble. This <laugh>, it was an amazing show because this guy and his amazing life’s work has the unique ability to just go off and like a windup toy and, and go in whatever direction he deems appropriate. And we get so many amazing insights.

Brad (00:02:47):
And I was, I was taking notes and following along carefully, I realized that he touched on topics that have probably been covered in literally a dozen different podcasts that I’ve published on this channel with experts where we talk intensely about the subject For a long time, he made a passing reference to the Blue Zones where I just recorded an entire show talking about some of the misappropriations of the Blue Zones insights and the true secrets to their longevity. And John just got that on the top of his head as a short aside, and so many other ones. Uh, so lemme give you a quick rundown of what’s going to be covered in this amazing and fast moving show. So if you start to fall behind or not pick up some of the the baseline assumptions, please, please, please go back and listen to our previous three feature length interviews, as well as my show titled The Essential Male and Female Relationships as Assignments from John Gray, where I try to summarize all the content that he spoke about for hours and put together really concrete action plan.

Brad (00:03:56):
But in this show, as I say at the end, we even go beyond beyond Mars and Venus with fresh new insights. He’s always got something cooking and continuing to, to grind hard, putting on his live seminars in Northern California, traveling around the world to do so, and also the great online content at marsvenus.com. So listen to our podcast episodes, jump over to his website and consume some of that content. We tried to focus specifically in this episode about longtime couples stuck in somewhat of relationship ruts and why that happens. And he gets into it right away with the insight that the dopamine triggering behaviors that the human is wired to pursue. this generally involves novel stimulation. So it’s easy to take a relationship for granted because we are wired for fresh, new and exciting. And so we talk about the unique dynamics today where people can make a concerted decision to just engage in a series of short term, exciting, fresh new relationships with the mobile device providing access like never before.

Brad (00:05:12):
And so the compromises and the strategies that we can use when we’re immersed into long-term relationships to keep things fresh and exciting. One of those right outta the gate was you absolutely, essentially must have sexual intercourse once a week. And toward the end of the episode, he talks about why you don’t want to do so more frequently. It has to do with male testosterone levels, and certainly not less frequently than that. It’s vitally important to relationship health. He also talks about how vulnerability, especially when the female becomes vulnerable and asks for the male’s help is a huge turn on for the male and a huge relationship boost. He talks about how the brain’s not fully formed until age 28. So you young listeners, your self-reflection really kicks in, uh, much later. And if you don’t do some personal education, reflection and strive for personal betterment, betterment as a young person, then the frontal lobes will not fully form <laugh>.

Brad (00:06:16):
And so, hopefully we have some young listeners getting deep into this and realizing that you’re, uh, building the brain and all those great attributes. We talk about how cortisol antagonizes, um, the optimal hormone balance for the male testosterone and the female, uh, estrogen. He talks about how young males in today’s society are being de masculinized in many ways. You’ve heard him talk about the extreme destruction caused by the deadly combination of pornographic and video games. So the modern male is getting their biological drives Osage by the combination of porn and video games to the detriment of their ability to go out there and compete and excel and conquer challenges and form meaningful personal relationships In today’s world. We’re gonna have a lot of, uh, insights sprinkled in about how to get past relationship ruts, especially that familiar advice from the other shows that the man is to remain a kung fu master calm, cool, and collected at all times.

Brad (00:07:22):
And when the male gets angry, it never ends well, quote from John Gray, it always gets worse. Remember the female’s most profound biological driven fear today is the anger of her partner. And in the old days, it was getting the family eaten by a predator. And nowi s sobering. It’s the anger from their male partner. Um, we get into dynamics with same sex relationships because so much of the commentary is spit out with the familiar dynamics of the male and the female. Um, and so John will help you there with some, uh, nuance. And finally, he leaves you with some beautiful tips to turn things around quickly. And they’re so simple, they’re so powerful. Um, I want you to listen to these deeply again. He, John Gray, has been such a life changing influence on me and my partnership with Mia Moore.

Brad (00:08:21):
We love this guy. We’re gonna go to his, one of his live seminars. I hope to see you there sometime. But for now, please, please, please listen to the entire show and hopefully replay it on a regular basis because it’s so rich in advice, information, and of course, entertainment and high energy from the one and the only John Gray Men are for Mars, Women are From Venus, Beyond Mars and Venus. Here we go.

Brad (00:08:45):
Dr. John Gray. I am so happy to join you again. It’s been five years since the very first episode we recorded, which was so special to me. And, as I reminded you, at the very next day, I proposed to my wife Elizabeth, you know, inspired by your show. And so, I wanted to catch up with you and realize that it’s also been that long since your wife Bonnie passed, and, see how things are going for you in 2024 here, recording right around the time of Valentine’s Day.

John (00:09:19):
Yeah, I had a great Valentine’s Day, and I spent about two years grieving the loss of Bonnie. Occasionally my daughter Lauren will send me a picture and immediately tears just flow out of my eyes of how much I love Bonnie, and miss her. But only for that moment. And then I come back to, I’m in love with my wife. I got married two years later, and I’m just as happy as can be. Or actually three years later got married. But I started dating again after a couple years and found the perfect person for me. I’m in love. And, we talked about this, so I’ll go ahead and share it. One time she asked me, you know, do you love me more than your wife who died? Of course I can’t, you know, I always hold Bonnie and my, my, my dear sweetheart Bonnie.

John (00:10:06):
And I told her, well, the truth is that my heart is bigger now after losing Bonnie all the grief and appreciating all that she did for me, that I have more love to give. So you’re the lucky woman who gets more love from me. So I’m able to love you more than I could love Bonnie. And you know, some people maybe don’t understand that right away. So I wanna just qualify, you know, I’m holding one of my books that I wrote, for example, and it’s right here. And when I’d be working on a chapter, there’s always a snag. You know, some paragraph, some page isn’t really working out the way you want it to be. You’re kind of frustrated with it. This is a long time ago. And the computer would crash, and I’d lose that. And my feeling was, no, that was so good.

John (00:10:49):
That was so good. I could never bring it back. You know, it was, that’s what happens sometimes when we lose something. That’s when we can, our heart can grow and we can appreciate it even more. ’cause it’s true in all of our relationships to some extent, we start to just get used to take our partners for granted or whatever. Which is why in my work, I always emphasize couples need to have time together and time apart, time together and time apart. And this was my, my wife is Asian and she was in, she was in China for, to, for the new year to visit her, her family there. But she came back on Valentine’s Day. And so it was a perfect Valentine’s Day. ’cause we’ve been apart for a while.

Brad (00:11:25):
I love that analogy to the computer crashing. I’m not sure if our younger viewers, listeners will understand what that means, but people back before the cloud ,know John could not just pull up to the cloud and get his chapter back. You would lose something if something happened in your home there. So, uh, and

John (00:11:41):
It’s gone forever. You can’t recreate that <laugh>.

Brad (00:11:44):
Yeah. But like recreating, you know, lost work. I know a lot of people familiar with that. I’ve had the same thing happen myself. And, it’s very profound because it’s not the same. Um, and it’s, it’s, it’s different. And in many ways it could be richer and more, more relevant to the present time. And that’s all that matters really.

John (00:12:08):
Yeah. It’s just, it’s a phenomena of we as human beings will tend to take things for granted. And, you know, I, now that I’ve written, I’ve learned about brain science and hormone science, it’s actually in our brain to take things for granted so that we’ll become bored and then seek out new things. We get a dopamine spike happens something new and different. It’s danger or new and different. In any of those things will produce dopamine. So dopamine goes up, but immediately when dopamine goes up, receptor site for dopamine begins to close down, they all start shutting down so that you don’t get the buzz from the same thing. Mm-Hmm. You have to now do it again. I mean, imagine, I just drank something that made dopamine. I go, oh, that was really good. I would never need to do anything again.

John (00:12:56):
You see, the reason you eat a cookie and then you want another cookie is ’cause the dopamine goes up, it goes down, and now you’re motivated. So they often call dopamine the motivation brain chemical. But the unfortunate thing is that my cell phone, this is for our younger generation, this produces more dopamine than looking at a human being and talking with them. Okay? Unless it’s a completely new person and they’re saying something you’ve never heard before, it could compete with what’s going on on the phone. So literally, people have a hard time relating today because this produces this high level of dopamine that pushes your receptor sites further and further down over time. And so, normal things like beautiful trees and gardening and spending time having a conversation hard to do that. Now, our brain just wants to go right, right to the high stimulation.

John (00:13:48):
I mean, I see it with me as well because I’m working on the computer all the time. And, you know, my wife wants to have dinner with me, and I’ll, and I will sit down to dinner, but there’s still a little part of me goes, I want to go watch the news <laugh>, you know, can’t we watch the news and dinner together? And she said, Nope, we have to come about conversation <laugh>. So what helps me bring myself back is not spending too much time watching TV or doing the phone. I mean, these are wonderful things of life. We want to have them just wanna limit the time and then spend more time doing things that don’t, or spend equal time doing things that don’t have a lot of high dopamine stimulation. So that’s the idea, is you don’t give up high dopamine stimulation, that’s fun, but action and rest action is rest.

Brad (00:14:35):
Well, in the case of relationships, we have a dilemma like never before in human history, because now we have the option with the device in hand to get a steady stream of dopamine, spiking quick, exciting relationships, and then moving on quickly to the next one and living that pattern out. And we don’t have to judge that as right or wrong, but how does someone navigate the profound pull of, you know, not having to deal with anything in the manner of relationship dysfunction or negotiation, or long-term strategizing, and instead can just flip the screen and then jump right back into another a chemical hormone bath?

John (00:15:18):
Absolutely. I mean, I was not, so I, for me, I don’t spend a lot of time on social media. And then I discovered X <laugh>. I mean, it’s like the other social media for the younger kids, you know? But for me, all the politics that’s going on or whatever, interest is just one thing after another, after another, after another. I could just sit with that for hours and hours and hours and just, and I asked myself, well, what do I remember from that? What would I gain from that? What was the value I got from that? Very little? I can’t even remember what I watched. Okay. It was, <laugh>. So I, I limit my time. That’s the whole thing. It’s like, you know, we have to have some discipline in our lives if we want to be fulfilled, balanced people.

John (00:15:57):
It’s like, like ice cream. You know, I’m 72 years old, my metabolism just doesn’t metabolize ice cream. And immediately I’ll start to gain a little weight. And so I have to have discipline. If I don’t have that discipline then, and I, so I just avoid ice cream. I don’t have it in my house because there’s, there’s a tendency late at night if I was watching a show, go get the ice cream, you know? And so I don’t want it to be fighting myself all the time. So, Mm-Hmm. I just wander around. Where was the ice cream? Well, it’s not here today. John <laugh>.

Brad (00:16:31):
I guess that would be the, the person who’s in a nice relationship signing off of the apps where they can get tempted if they wanna scroll instead of sit down and have a nice dinner and talk to the same person for the hundred 87th night in a row, or the eth night.

John (00:16:46):
That’s right. 33 years with my wife Bonnie. What did we do? Well, one of the things we did that we found as a couple long-term couple, was making sure that one is we also made love. That was a real key thing on a regular basis. Never goes, never goes more than seven days without having sex as a rule. You have to, you know, you gotta balance that. Even if you’re sick, you still <laugh>. You do something. Step

Brad (00:17:11):
Up, man. Come

John (00:17:12):
On. You gotta step, you have to have body, body contact, you know? Hmm. We look at a lot of factors people don’t realize. And one is we, and we begin a relationship. We have so much love. We feel so much love because there’s a lot of sex at that time. Right? I mean, there’s, and why there’s a lot of sex is because of high dopamine is being produced. When you have that same high dopamine from this, if it’s a new person loving you, and you have skin contact, you’re gonna have high dopamine levels. That’s ’cause it’s new and different. Hmm. Now, when it’s no longer new and different, the years pass, the, it’s few years pass, you know, your wife’s undressing, you don’t even look, you know, the first time you’re sure looking <laugh>, that’s the dopamine of something new and different.

John (00:17:59):
And it’s amplified when it has to do with male female sexuality. Okay? When the sexuality is there, it’s big dopamine stimulator until it’s not. And that’s what happens, that relationships go that way. This is a very interesting concept nobody’s talking about yet, is, you know, all sex therapists, I’m a sex therapist as well. And all sex therapists will teach that if it starts to become routine and not as exciting, you need to have a date. Okay? The date is new and different, and the date excites her because she feels taken care of, and you’re succeeding and doing something for her. Mm-Hmm. So that’s romantic date that can awaken the romantic attraction more. Generally speaking, the man’s romantic attraction is based upon her interest in sex. Let’s just keep it real here. Uh, it’s the woman giving the message that I’m gonna be open to you <laugh>.

John (00:18:57):
That’s what makes men rise up. See, you know, think about, it’s a woman’s vulnerability, you know, to depend on someone for love and support is being very vulnerable. Because if they withdraw their love and support, it hurts. So when women are saying, I’m gonna open myself up to you, which they do hormonally, when they make love with you, they bond and now their body says, I’m depending on you for love and support, whether their mind says it or not, it doesn’t matter. The body will say, I’m depending on you for love and support. So that’s vulnerability. Well, when a woman can be vulnerable, allow herself to feel that vulnerable place, that’s what turns men on. That’s what turns men on. I think about, you know, for the immature male, not yet fully brain developed. You know, <laugh>, that doesn’t happen till you’re 28 years old biologically.

John (00:19:47):
We don’t even develop the front part of the brain until that time. And we need education to get there. If you don’t get educated, it never develops. So you’ll see in primitive, primitive tribes, it doesn’t develop. But we have this education system that can potentially develop the prefrontal cortex. Otherwise it doesn’t develop as much. Let me give, I’m a little off the subject, but let me just say, what it looks like is, at 28 years old, you have this ability to self-reflect and know who you are. And so, let’s say I’m teaching a class and everybody got up and left, I’d say, oh, I guess we need a bathroom break. Or, I’m teaching a class and everybody got up and left. I go, oh, I didn’t do a good job. Okay, that’s, I’m suddenly a bad teacher. I’m not a bad teacher.

John (00:20:32):
I know I’m a good teacher. So if everybody gets up and goes, I don’t take it personally. It never has happened. Of course, I’m making the exaggerated point, but it’s called taking it personally. You have the potential to not think, take things personally only after your brain is fully developed. Okay? Mm-Hmm. You don’t have the potential to do that, okay? That it means if somebody says something critical of you, you’re gonna feel bad. Okay? Mm-Hmm. That’s, that’s what it is. It’s gonna affect you. It affects you less and less if you’re growing, and self-love and self-esteem and so forth. You have to develop that. But we were, we were just talking about couples and keeping the interest going with the, the, the electricity. People want that. And they don’t have that. And how do you keep bringing that back? Well, the way you bring it back is to understand why you had it in the first place.

John (00:21:22):
The reason you had it in the first place is there was females, you know, in the beginning, they’re wanting, do you like me? Do you love me? Are you the kind of guy I want to be with? Are you gonna stay with me? Will everything be okay? They have all this insecurity. Okay? Nope, I’ve never met a woman that doesn’t. Okay? She gets up in the morning. She may not admit it to herself. She may not know it, but think of it not as a bad thing. Think of it as vulnerability. Mm-Hmm. <affirmative>. You look in the mirror and you say, oh, do I look good today? Let me put on some makeup. And, oh, people don’t see this. You know, women are fixing themselves in the bathroom all the time. Where did that come from? Is, I want be loved, I want be seen.

John (00:21:57):
I wanna be adored. I wanna be seen as beautiful. I want people to love me, like me. However you wanna look at it. So after you’re married that you go through this stage where if she was to actually say to him, Hey, Brad, do you still think I’m beautiful? And generally, maybe not you, but generally a man will say, of course. Now, of course is not the right answer. Mm-Hmm. They of course, you know, they did studies on whenever someone says, of course. And it causes your cortisol level to spike. Because if I say <laugh>, it’s like, do you like my course? Of course. Why, why, why, why would you say that? You see, it’s making the other person wrong for asking for being vulnerable. So for men, all communication skills, little twists. And, and for a woman, if you’re feeling a little insecure, and, and take it from an expert, every woman, whether she knows it or not, every day, there’s a little insecurity.

John (00:22:54):
That’s why we put on makeup. That’s why we put on outfits. That’s why. And, and men don’t have that kind of insecurity. Most men, most men’s insecurity has to do with, am I successful? Am I, am I making a difference? Am I, basically, it’s, am I successful? Any man who, you know, leaves a relationship when they come to me towards the end, you know, people try to fix things. The men, I ask him, what’s the problem? He says, no matter what I do, it’s never enough to make her happy. He doesn’t feel successful in making her happy. So his unhappiness comes from that. And her unhappiness comes completely. Like, I give and give and give. And I don’t give back. I don’t get the love I need. I don’t get attention. He ignores me. Very few men come to me and say, my wife ignores me.

John (00:23:38):
They will say, my wife’s not interested in sex, but it’s not like she ignores me. I’m, you know, my wife’s ignoring me. I go, good. I can go watch tv. I can go do something. Right? <laugh>, it’s, it’s not as big a deal. So we have to realize there’s certain things here. So now I’m coming to a point, at many points along the way. But it, it was the idea of in sexual counseling, we want couples to go and do something new and different. And that’s, uh, that’s like a, kinda like symptomatic help. It helps and helps a little bit. Even after a while, that becomes routine and boring. How many new restaurants can you go to? How many locations can you go to? You know? So there’s, so one of the solutions that Bonnie and I would do is we would have dinner with friends.

John (00:24:20):
Because when you have dinner with friends, there’s a lot to talk about. See, conversation, connection. ’cause they’re new and different. You see, you can, you know, Bonnie would say, tell ’em John, about that thing that happened to you when we were in Africa, you know, and <laugh>. So, but I can’t, if I’m at home with my wife alone having dinner, I can’t tell her that thing about Africa. ’cause we’ve already had that conversation, right? Not new and different, but, oh, tell ’em this and tell ’em this. And so there would be, you know, I’d say, honey, what did you, what did you know? The woman would ask Bonnie, how you felt about that? Or what? So there’s a conversation with about new and different topics. We used to have friends that we would walk with. That was very important. We, every Sunday we went for a, a good hour and a half walk with another couple.

John (00:25:02):
And they were like religiously reading the New York Times. So basically, <laugh>, we, they would bring up the New York Times, what’s happening in the world, and we’d all talk about it. So we brought in that sort of new and different energy. And, and that’s different from, if I was reading the New York Times and talking to my wife about it. It’s somebody else doing it. See you, you bring in this other energy that’s non-sexual. See, the sexual thing is a different story. You don’t wanna bring in the sex. Ideally, you don’t bring in the sexual energy. I, I don’t think it allows your soul to grow, one, but two jealousies come up. I mean, <laugh>, just like, it’s complicated when you bring somebody else in, it is complicated just enough. And you, I don’t, for me, when being remarried and having a family of daughters, that’s very challenging.

John (00:25:50):
You know, it’s something, there’s another person they did not pick. And so there, there’s a challenge there. Relationships are challenging. They’re all here to teach us how to love and forgive. But I’m going the long way around making one point. Okay? And that is when new and different occurs, you get stimulation and you feel attraction. What is being stimulated? When dopamine gets produced in males, dopamine raises testosterone and females dopamine. If she feels safe, they will raise testosterone in a woman if she doesn’t feel safe. But when women feel safe, and they have new and different, their estrogen levels rise. Okay? This is basic biology. This is, you know, these are facts, okay? When you get to actual reality of biological difference, so when a woman feels safe, and there’s, you know, I take her to a new hotel, we sleep there, sex is gonna be different than in the same old bedroom, right?

John (00:26:49):
So there’s, and you know, you’ve got a different environment. She’s not thinking about kids. She’s not thinking about housework. She’s not thinking about the plumbing. She’s not thinking about who’s gonna call. You know, all those things are in a woman’s mind. So when she can feel in the moment and feeling safe in the moment, I don’t have to do anything. I have to realize, well, women get caught up in our world today, and I’ll explain it later, is they tend to be overwhelmed. I have so much to do. I have so much to do. I can’t just relax. And in a playful way, we don’t require safety in order to be aroused. <laugh>, we could be having, you know, we mean men, is that if a woman is interested and open to us, someone we love, my gosh, if she’s in the mood, every man’s in the mood.

John (00:27:33):
It’s just when they’re not in the mood. And a guy’s in the mood. ’cause we sort of have a, a biological thing going on, which is we need to have sex biologically we get erections. Okay? And we wanna use them <laugh>. We’re supposed to use them and connect. That’s a very, very biological thing. So, we’ll wanna have sex, but as we grow in our ability to feel connected to our partner, that means familiarity sets in. We care about them. We know them. We’re gonna stop wanting sex if she’s not in the mood. That’s a bummer. See, it’s a younger, immature male. You know, Hey, let’s just have sex, even if she’s not in the mood. But once you start really connecting you, the whole point is to make her happy, right? So you wanna connect with her and bring her to greater levels of happiness and joy, and feel your love for her.

John (00:28:20):
Well, if she’s not in the mood, we kind of just we get turned off, men lose their energy towards their partner. So that’s one of the things that stops it. But another thing is simply the newness goes away. So you can have the newness that helps a different environment, a different setting. That helps. But even that becomes over the years. This is, I’m talking 33 years. That becomes a little challenging because there’s no longer that much new and different. I can go anywhere in the world. And it’s not new and different everywhere. What do you do? Okay, so then you analyze what, cause what would cause that excitement and trap is the dopamine gets produced. So imagine a life without all that dopamine. Why did the dopamine make you attracted to your partner and her attracted to you? Because dopamine increases testosterone in men.

John (00:29:11):
And when women feel safe and increases estrogen in women, like for a woman to climax, she needs to double her healthy estrogen levels. Hey, that’s, this is basic reality, not a man <laugh>. Mm-Hmm. We to have an erection, we need to have testosterone levels. And when our testosterone levels go down, the interest in sex, the motivation to have sex, the perseverance to have sex, to, to do the things you have to do to get sex, you know, all that stuff will start to go down without testosterone. ’cause I have lots, I, in my seventies, I have lots of friends, and I, I talk about my sex life, which is fantastic. I always has been. And they, they all say, oh, John, you know, you’re making a big deal on nothing. I’ve kind of been there and done it. Don’t wanna bother with it.

John (00:29:55):
I don’t really care. Well, you have low testosterone, man, you, you’re gonna die soon. And they will. They’ve all died. Not all have died. They’re dying off. And we know that when men’s testosterone levels go to a very low level, they die. This is, the insurance companies will say this, when a man retires, he doesn’t work anymore. His testosterone, depending upon what his work is, you know, some men will retire from their job. They hate job that they like, okay? But they’re still doing something. They have to get up and do something to be of service to others. You can’t just sit and play. You can’t watch X all the time. You can’t watch TV all the time. You can’t just do enjoyable things all the time. The enjoyment of serving where you have to do it, whether you like it or not, it’s nice if you get to the point where you like it, but you still have to get up and do it.

John (00:30:43):
’cause you said you’re gonna do it. So that is produces testosterone. When men retire, they have two years, three years before they die. This is insurance company data. Okay? We’re not talking my ideas here. This is their data. Mm-Hmm. <affirmative>. They, they figure that in. And that’s, that’s by, you know, we think of heart attacks and everything. We think of that as, as cholesterol in many cases. But people don’t know this. The actual data on, on cholesterol and heart attacks is half of the men who die of a heart attack have higher than average cholesterol. And half of the men who die of a heart attack have lower cholesterol. It’s cholesterol. That means it’s not that significant. There’s some significance because other researchers will point out that it’s not the level of cholesterol. It’s whether your cholesterol is oxidized cholesterol and oxidized cholesterol has a different, it’s not good for your body.

John (00:31:41):
And it only oxidizes when you have chronic stress. And now you only any man with chronic stress has chronic low testosterone. Most people don’t know that any man with chronic stress has low testosterone. Even if he’s sitting there in front of a TV set bored and not motivated and passive. You know, my grandfather used to sit in his chair with his big glasses and just watch football all day long. Mm. Okay. So basically, while he doesn’t look stressed, he is, his body is producing cortisol all the time, which he’s being relieved of by the stimulation on the tv, you know, but he’s just not in himself. But the body will be producing cortisol until just the adrenal glands will be become adrenally fatigued. So all of those things in a man comes from lowering testosterone. And for women, all their stress, when you feel like any stressed woman, her estrogen levels are too low.

John (00:32:38):
Hmm. Women are a little bit more complicated. If they’re still cycling, their source of their stress biologically the chemicals are going on is after ovulation. If she’s stressed, is primarily she’s not making enough progesterone. So she still needs to be making estrogen, but she needs to be making progesterone as well. We don’t have that complication. They’re on a cycle. It’s changing all the time. For us, it’s just up and down. If it’s up, it’s up. Testosterone goes up. You’re not stressed. Testosterone goes down. You are stressed. Now, what allows us to be masculine and more powerful is when your testosterone’s up and your estrogen is up. That’s called wisdom. You know, you get these guys who are successful, finally, they figure out not to be immature anymore. And they have maturity. Maturity takes time. Okay? So it takes time. And ironically, sexual maturity takes time for women.

John (00:33:33):
So we have this, this, uh, sexual mature, I mean, we’re ready to go sexually, but we lose it. And we don’t wanna lose that. We wanna keep our testosterone levels up. If you look at bringing back the passion, this one point I was trying to get to I’m there now. Dopamine produces testosterone in men. If women feels safe, dopamine produces estrogen. A woman over time in a relationship, you’re at five years in your marriage. Well, it’s usually around 6, 7 years, <laugh>. But it can be sooner with the younger generation. And I’ll explain that. But what happens is, you’re not gonna get the free dopamine. You try to find it with, like hotels, whatever. Yeah, you do all that. You try. But the bottom line is you’re not gonna get the free dopamine the older you get. But what, what did you need the dopamine for anyway?

John (00:34:26):
To make testosterone and to make estrogen in women. And you can make testosterone and estrogen without, without dopamine. And you do that by learning these skills that I’m teaching about what women need to make estrogen and what men need to make testosterone. I gave an example for men, which is, we need to be working. If we’re not working. And work always involves rebuilding your testosterone, but to build your testosterone. I’m speaking from my experience, my testosterone is 72 years old, is 50% higher than when I was a young man. And sometimes a hundred percent higher. So it doubles. Okay? This is not common, but I’m like an expert on how to bump up testosterone. And also for women to have bump up their estrogen. This is my, you know, life’s work. So, for example, continuing to do a job that you work. Now think about the cycle of testosterone, action and rest, action and rest.

John (00:35:29):
I work hard, but I have to have time to rest. That’s the most important thing. Then I have to have time to grow in maturity, action, rest, intimacy. Action where I’m building and I’m using testosterone. I’m making and using testosterone. Then I need rest to rebuild testosterone. Then from a place of having rebuilt testosterone, I have intimacy. What is intimacy is, is estrogen goes up and intimacy with a woman, for example, is love and loving your wife, taking care of her in a good way. And the way I’m gonna suggest. But that raises her estrogen. So when you’re making her estrogen go up, your estrogen will always go up. Hmm. But if you’re making your, trying to make your wife happy, but you don’t have your testosterone, it will be exhausting. And every man knows that experience. So, you know, my wife needs something. I just don’t have, I have magnets in my butt, is the way I describe it.

John (00:36:33):
And that’s called, he needs his time to, to have his rest. And then he can miss his partner and come to his partner. Now. But the, the problem with it is the brain gets a little confused. ’cause normally in the era of evolution with survival, in order to be alive, you had to work every day, right? And the sun went down and you would rest. And when you would rest, you’d rebuild your testosterone. And then you have sex with your wife. Okay? That would be your cycle. And take care of her needs and so forth, and be happy to do that. But if you just, what we have is so much convenience in our life that our lives really aren’t that challenging as men. A lot of men, it’s convenience. And the more, and that’s part of retirement, is the convenience of playing golf all the time, right? So as opposed to once a week or whatever. So you have this convenience of doing what you like to do, rather than what you have to do when you do what you have to do. I, I’m setting a goal and now I have to do this, that’s making testosterone. Well, what happens is all it takes is for a man, and this is what happen to men during the lockdown, which is extremely unhealthy for men. And it’s still affecting me, to be quite honest. I just don’t like going places as much as I used to.

Brad (00:37:48):
<laugh>. I hear you. Yeah. I like wearing my mask now to the, the sporting event, or the airplane. ’cause I was so used to it. Now I’m like a germ freak.

John (00:37:55):
Yeah, yeah. It’s just, so for me, it is, you know, oh, I wanna just do everything on the computer, whatever, you know, and, and, and instead of going, and I can get everything from Amazon. So I didn’t want to go shopping, you know, and, and one of my, one of my daughters, she just orders food from the grocery store. Doesn’t even go to the grocery store. Mm-Hmm. <affirmative>. Okay. So this is not healthy for us. See, we are social beings. We’re energetic beings. You know, if you just spend a time with a few people and talk with them, you know, you always feel better. Okay? It is just a matter of people interacting, like I mentioned with my, my wife and I, just having friends over and social gatherings. If you go to all of the, the blue zones where people live to a hundred years old, the big the the universal thing is not what they eat.

John (00:38:39):
Mm. It’s social activity and walking. They have to walk places. And social activity, we’re social beings. Doesn’t mean we always have to be social all the time, but prolonged isolation is unhealthy. Very unhealthy. And so, and literally, I’ve lost a lot of my motivation and that just to go out and, oh, I’m gonna go drive and go, go fix fixing somebody at the house. I’m gonna go to the hardware store and look at things and go to the cashier and interact with it. No, I’ll just order it online now. I’m just gonna stay at home and have things delivered to me this convenience. And I’m working against it. Okay? I became aware of it, and now I’m working against it. Hmm. The tendency is there. Mm-Hmm. <affirmative>. It’s an, it’s like a, you know, you broke your arm. It has to be fixed. It, this was a tragic thing for, and for our children, it’s unmeasurable.

John (00:39:27):
We don’t know what’s happened to them. Okay? This is real. Only we can see is how many suicides, the highest level of suicide on the planet is. These is young teenagers. Mm-Hmm. Okay. They’re really, really messed up by this. ’cause the most important time we need to socialize is as children. The first seven years we need primarily our parents. And then the next we need, we’re more like very, very social. But we have our parents, but then we’re more independent as teenagers. And that’s really when we need to have boys need to compete with boys and girls need to talk with girls and girl things. And we don’t have that. Everybody’s isolated. I looked at my own grandkids, and the boy did really well because he was on a computer. He used to <laugh>, he was very impersonal. That’s very testosterone producing. Mm-Hmm.

John (00:40:17):
<affirmative> and dopamine producing, which in the beginning produces testosterone. But the girl had problems and now she’s straight A’s. She’s the head cheerleader and all this stuff. But she had problems with her academics because she didn’t have the social interaction. And I’m not saying this is universal to everybody, but, but certainly I’m making the point is for everybody, social is very, very important. And to develop masculinity, you know, many parents are asking me the question, you know, my boy seems very feminine. He’s becoming more feminine. He is soft. He gets his cries a lot. He gets, you know, and I, what do I do? I say, you get him with a mentor that’s not his father. Somebody who is a masculine male who could be a coach. He could be a you know, uh, because my background is karate, it would be, you know, some kind of martial arts, boxing, you know, my mother had the good sense to put me with these kind of males so I could bond with masculinity.

John (00:41:13):
Otherwise, how do I know I’m a, a man? You know, when you, when you go through puberty as a male, if you have, if you, your body is designed to make 10 times more testosterone. See, we’re like little girls when we’re kids. Our brains are different. From the first two years, we get a surge of testosterone that gives us the masculine brain. Now, a lot of boys are very confused. Today we see about being masculine. And that’s because of the toxicity or the environment of the womb when your brain was developing. There’s research backing this up. Okay. Which is that we need, you know, the pesticides, at atrazine and frogs actually make male frogs into females. Hmm. It’s happening. But also certain stresses, certain toxins, we don’t know at all about it. But we do know that the male brain doesn’t fully develop many of the masculine genes. You see that the difference biology between men and women.

John (00:42:14):
The difference in biology of men and women is this Y chromosome. Okay? It’s like, why <laugh>? So the Y chromosome produces only 23 genes that men have. We have, as men, we have all the female genes where we all have everything a woman has. We have. But then we have in our development, these 23 genes that override various female genes to make us masculine. Hmm. So some of these children, they don’t get the activation of those male genes to override their female genes. And that’s the word for it, override to shut them off so that other gene, other expressions happen. So this is the difference between a masculine and feminine, so that we have males to make babies from the outside and women to make babies on the inside. So this is the, the biology of how we’re set up. So to get those male genes activated, when a boy doesn’t have that, you can pretty much look at his testosterone levels and, and see that’s happening.

John (00:43:16):
You know? And also as testicles, many boys are now being born with one of the testicles doesn’t even drop. This is another thing that’s happening. What they need is they, they need to have more, particularly in adolescents. They need more male support, and they need adult male support. That’s very important that there’s supervised. If you don’t have supervised support, you’ll see this in the more, more lower income environments. The boys will find a gang, okay? Mm-Hmm. And that becomes, that’s how they develop their masculinity. ’cause there’s power associated with that. It’s just negative power as opposed to positive power to make yourself better at something, to achieve goals and so forth. So mentorship is very, very important. Finding teachers at that time just really, really important. Okay. So back to finding the passion to get in your relationship. Hmm. How do you build the testosterone of masculinity and build the femininity of, of a woman?

John (00:44:15):
Mm-Hmm. <affirmative>. If she is way, if she’s producing more estrogen than you, you will be attracted to her. If you’re producing more testosterone than her, she’ll be attracted to you. She wants to be close to you. She misses you. She’s happy with you. And it’s all about biology. Biology controls the hormones of attraction. These, this is biology. This is testosterone. You know, your testosterone goes up. I was, I don’t drink coffee. I took many years to go off of it. I was addicted to it. So I thought, I don’t want any addictions in my life. I’m against coffee has any benefits. There’s, if you can stay focused and goal oriented and testosterone without it, the coffee will give you a big boost of testosterone.

Brad (00:45:00):
Oh my gosh.

John (00:45:01):
Because I drank this cup of coffee, <laugh>, and I was immediately euphoric because huge amount of dopamine gets produced. Now, years ago, in the beginning it was great, but it tapered off everything. Gradually tapers off dopamine. So I had it the other day and I was like, huge big surge of testosterone, was ready to go, start writing a book and starting this company. And I said, hold on here, <laugh> it. It was, but it’s very powerful if you’re not having habituated to it. By the way, that process is called habitation. Mm. We become habituated to our partners where they, they, they’re just new. And it’s not new. I can look out at the beautiful mountain tam from my, my window. And, you know, when I was a younger man and bought this house, people go, oh my god, the, the, the mountain That’s so beautiful. You have such a beautiful view. And I went, I spent years looking for a house with a view of the mountain.

John (00:45:51):
Yeah. Now, I rarely look at it, you know? Yeah. It actually tree in the way. <laugh>. So <laugh>, this is just way life is. Mm-Hmm. However, when it comes to the male female relationship, nature has given us, God, I would say. But people could say nature. Our biology gives us this potential for women to be in harmony with their body and raise their estrogen. That’s called anything a woman does that lowers stress, is raising her estrogen. Why? Because anytime a woman is stressed, her estrogen is low, or her progesterone is low, depending what time of the month it is. And anytime a man is stressed, his testosterone is going down and his estrogen’s going up. Mm-Hmm. For example, and this is a, a mind blowing for people. They always assume that anger was high testosterone. Mm-Hmm. Well, anger is testosterone levels dropping.

John (00:46:42):
And high estrogen, any emotion is estrogen. You can’t have an emotion without estrogen. That’s the fuel of emotion. And the, the, the fuel of testosterone is objectivity. Okay? Logic, objectivity, no big deal. I mean, this is what we say all the time as men, you know, no big deal. And particularly when our wives are being emotional, what’s our reaction? No big deal. Don’t worry about it. Hey, you can just do this. Solve the problem and realize there is no problem. So there are two ways for us to build testosterone. Okay, do something to solve the problem. Builds testosterone will lower our stress. Or there is no problem. I’ve already solved it by real minimizing it strategies as men some more productive than others. But what happens is, let’s say you’re now in the shutdown and you’re not working hard. And your body remembers, well, if I just sit and watch tv, I feel good. And I rebuild my testosterone. Well, you don’t rebuild your testosterone, relaxing on the couch, watching tv, reading a book, doing a hobby, working out in the gym, any of these things. It, it is gonna help you. The relaxation after working out rebuilds, testosterone, relaxation.

Brad (00:47:55):
So you gotta do something first, solve the problem, deal with the challenge, then go chill and rebuild testosterone. But, uh, that’s a quite distinct from someone like grandpa watching football all day, which is arguably a testosterone boosting activity. If you’ve just returned from football practice and now you’re watching film, huge difference. Right?

John (00:48:17):
Huge difference. You’ve gotta be doing something and then you rest and you,

Brad (00:48:22):
To earn your rest.

John (00:48:23):
But your brain remembers that resting rebuilds my testosterone. So you think you’re doing the right thing, but you’ve got magnets on your butt and you can’t get up. Now what can get you up, by the way, is if, if your wife needs something from you and you actually do something physical to do something for her, that may take a lot of willpower. ’cause you’ve got magnets on your butt. Mm-Hmm. And people, I, it’s a funny example because the, I try to help women understand men with when, when they’re passive. And I say, imagine to your wife, and she’s, you know, she’s feeling overwhelmed and she, I, we have to do this and we have to do this. And I still haven’t done that. Alright? And I’m not saying women are that way all the time, but that tends to be the, the number one stressor for women in my experience with women’s feeling overwhelmed or symptom of stress, is when they’re feeling that way, imagine saying to your wife, honey, just relax and sit down.

John (00:49:23):
She can’t. They actually did a research study on this. Harvard did this study, not just moderately stressed people, that it was just people, okay. They didn’t say, are you stressed? ’cause people live in sort of a sea of adrenaline these days. Hmm. Poor stress. And women sit down, they put electrodes on their head, and they’re, they’re, they measure what happens in the brain when they relax. And for women in this study, their brains would become more active. And you ask them, okay, what’s going on? I’m thinking of all the things I should be doing while I’m sitting doing nothing. Okay? So doing nothing is hard for women to do us. So the men, the what happened? They put the electrodes in the brain and the brain activity began to disappear, even settling down, down, down, down. And they said, what are you thinking? And the men said, nothing.

John (00:50:09):
Okay. So, or maybe there’s some little activity, but nothing like the females. So I always tell this in my talks to women. I say, so when your husband says, when you say, what are you feeling? And he says, nothing. He’s telling you the truth. <laugh> <laugh>. But, but again, and of communication technique, I always like to give little hacks. Lots and lots of biohacks or brain hacks, whatever it is, communication hacks. She, if you say to your husband, and this is, this is a real issue for many women. It’s like, what’s going on? Are you upset about something? What, what are you feeling? Which is hard thing for most men to respond to. But she says, what are you feeling? He’ll say, no, it, it’s nothing. It’s no big deal. Or he’ll just say nothing. She can’t believe that because that’s not her experience. Mm.

John (00:50:55):
Okay. She’s overwhelmed. She’s thinking of, she’s always thinking something, feeling something. Maybe can’t put in words always, but it’s there. He says it’s nothing. And then she says, you know, she tries to get him to talk more. And, and he doesn’t have much to say. Let’s just leave it at that. She feels annoyed and irritated ’cause she feels disconnected. Communication is so, so important to the connection is an estrogen producer. Mm-Hmm. <affirmative> connections. An estrogen producer. So when you disconnect, thinking about something, or not thinking, they feel the disconnection, particularly if they were saying something or whatever. So all she has to do, and this problem gets solved, is she says, first of all, never say to a man, what are you feeling? Say to him? What are you thinking? And they’ll say nothing. And then she says, or she, that’s enough is I’m just thinking I’m not thinking about anything.

John (00:51:49):
And she would understand that. But here’s, here’s the issue I’m trying to get to, which is the woman says, uh, she’s having a conversation with you. Most men can relate to this. At certain point, she’s saying something and you start thinking about what she’s saying. So it’s like the connection goes away temporarily. You don’t notice any difference. But she notices the difference. So she feels this sort of panic. And that’s why she’s asking you, what are you thinking? What are you feeling? Now? Instead of saying, what are you thinking? What are you feeling? She has to realize, I wanna penetrate him because I’m feeling insecure. I’m feeling, oh, is he judging me? Is he criticizing me? Is he not there for me? Why is he suddenly he was there for me and now he’s gone see women notice this. So all she has to say, my daughter Lauren, figured this one out.

John (00:52:35):
It’s one of her classes at marsvenus.com, and which I highly recommend to women. And, but it was like, just say so you’re thinking about that. And a man will immediately say, yes. Or you’re just, you’re thinking about what I just said. Mm-Hmm. And you’ll say Yes. And as soon as you hear yes, you’ll be fine. But whether women are made or not. ’cause some women are, they, they don’t know what’s really going on inside. They’re too masculine. But they panic, they stress when a man is too quiet. Mm-Hmm. <affirmative> is a number one. You know, this is why the cave idea with Mars. Venus, Mm-Hmm. <affirmative>. You know, he went to work. He needs this cave time. He is not gonna be intimate. He’s gonna be disconnected. He needs to find, rebuild his testosterone then. And then the way you can build intimacy at that point is ask him to do something for you after he is been watching TV or whatever his cave activity.

John (00:53:26):
Maybe he’s on a computer playing a computer game. Give it 20, 30 minutes. That’s generally what a man needs. Then what you can do is, unless he’s really stressed out, but basically give him some time to breathe in his own space, do what he wants to do, have a hobby, fixing the carburetor. He wants to fix something, wants to solve a problem. They didn’t finish at work, whatever it is. But he’s relaxed at home doing it. Then you say to him, how do you get him out of the cave? Because women ask me all the time, well, you wrote about the cave. I realize now it helps. So helpful. He is not mad at me because a lot of women, you’re in your cave. It’s ’cause we don’t love them. When I get it, he’s not mad at me. But then he stays in the cave.

John (00:54:02):
<laugh>, he doesn’t come out because once you’re in your cave, you’re doing something. Feels good. And so if, why would I stop doing something that feels good? Unless it’s something that needs to be done. You know, it was, uh, if there’s a leak in the roof, I’ve got the energy to do it right away. Mm-Hmm. It just, no problem.

Brad (00:54:19):
It feels good.

John (00:54:20):
And it feels good to do it. Yeah. Right. But you need to have the motivator. Women don’t understand that about men is there has to be a fire to put out, or a leaky roof or a child needing help. Any we need, there has to be something out there calling us. And then we feel the motivation to go. Women don’t have that. You see, they can give birth to babies that can’t communicate what they need. So they have these little antennas like, do they need this?

John (00:54:45):
Do they need this? What could, whatever could go wrong, they’re thinking about, mm. And this is the nature of women. Whatever can go wrong, they think about, and that becomes a problem for us men. Because if they’re thinking what can go wrong? We get the, we may get the message that, oh, you don’t trust me.

Brad (00:55:03):
Right.

John (00:55:04):
And so and so when you, when a woman can trust a man, that’s a huge testosterone producer.

Brad (00:55:09):
Huge for the man.

John (00:55:10):
Yeah. For the man. Of course. And, and to trust a man, try trusting your husband’s driving around. Is he, he’s he gonna get us there. <laugh> when he is lost. Like, I wanna get us there. That was an old joke when I wrote, Men are from Mars, is men don’t ask for directions. ’cause if I ask for direct, no, I can do it myself. And men do ask for directions once they realize I can’t do it myself.

John (00:55:31):
But for the go-to, for a man, if I can do it myself, do it myself. The go-to for a woman is, we can do this together. So her reaction is, okay, well, seems like you’re lost. So I’ll ask this stranger over here. <laugh>, no offense. Yeah. Is this guy you think he knows more than me? <laugh>. Even though logically he lives in the neighborhood, he might be able to help out. Something. But still it’s like, oh, you’re gonna trust this guy. You don’t trust me. And this whole idea of being trusted, it is. Uh, when I look at the, one of the primary sources of testosterone for men, like right now, you are trusting me to give a something of value to your listeners. That gives me the energy. I just came back from Ireland where they pay me a lot of money to fly across the ocean.

John (00:56:20):
Well, they pay for my ticket. I go first class. I feel fantastic. Not just ’cause first class. ’cause that also looking get boring. It feels good because they’re paying me. And why does paying me make me feel really good? It’s because they trust me to do a good job. That’s, see the, it’s the emotional impact. It’s not just the physical part of reality. It’s the message that I’m being appreciated. I’m being accepted, drawn in, and I’m being trusted. Well, that’s the biggest testosterone producers there are. Anytime you are like, if you are accepted or appreciated for doing something. Not just, I appreciate you for doing nothing. I appreciate you for doing something, being conscious that you made a difference in my life. And that’s what women have to develop now. The ability to identify what is he doing for me, that’s of value for me. ’cause so many women today are saying, what do I need a man for?

Brad (00:57:15):
Hmm.

John (00:57:16):
Because our biology, our history, our culture primarily, if we bring it in from the past, you need a man to make money. And now that you can make money, it diminishes your dependence on him to make money. See, it is like, or it neutralizes, you know, imagine you can stay out. Imagine like my mother, she wanted until her children grew up, she wanted them, she wanted to be a mother for seven children. That was her dream. She got her dream come true. She got a man who could support her. They didn’t have emotional problems because she was getting her dream come true. You know, work every day. Came home a

Brad (00:57:50):
Little busy with that too.

John (00:57:51):
Yeah. So what was it, you said?

Brad (00:57:53):
A little busy with seven little, she didn’t have she didn’t have time to get frustrated about her relationship dynamics. Probably.

John (00:58:00):
That’s right. That’s, that’s exactly it. Okay. So now here was the dynamic. Is it five boys, six boys? By the way, imagine that <laugh> mom, poor sister. But see, dad was not just the provider who was also the policeman. Mm. You all she had to do when we weren’t cooperating is I’m gonna tell your father, okay, we’ll cooperate right away. That’s the disciplinary, you know, this is, uh, so of certainly she’s gonna feel, oh my goodness, he’s always helping me. ’cause I can use my dad card anytime I want. So she’s appreciating that. She feels backed up. She feels support. And why am I emphasizing that? Because for estrogen to go up, estrogen only goes up when you’re in a situation where you need help and somebody helps you. That’s it. Estrogen goes up when you depend on someone for help and they help you. Testosterone goes up when somebody needs help and you’re the solution, or you need help and you can do it yourself. This is, this is the two dynamics of who we are as men and women. Now, this is confusing for some, because some women are listening. Well, I wanna solve problems for other people until you don’t. How many women are stressed out, overwhelmed, having to do too much

Brad (00:59:15):
And insisting on doing too much? Yes. Because they’re stuck on their male side as you detail and beyond Mars and Venus. And so they are dismissive of their partner who may be making a concerted effort to be of service in a desperate attempt to raise testosterone. But now they’re, they’re stuck in their camps. I guess. One’s watching TV with magnets on the butt, and the woman is running around harried, not trusting the partner. And I should do a little aside, we’re we’re speaking in these dynamics of the typical male feel female partnership. But I imagine everything applies to same sex couples as well.

John (00:59:52):
It does. It does. It just, my expertise is heterosexual. But same sex couples have a male and female side inside of them. And from my limited experience with them, the, the biology’s the same. Okay. The bi women, gay, straight, whatever. They all need estrogen. Otherwise they’re stressed and they all have testosterone and they may have a little bit more, but it’s not testosterone that lowers their stress. It’s the estrogen or the progesterone that causes their stress on the biological level. I mean, literally biologically, if a woman makes testosterone, she doesn’t have testicles to make it. Right? Mm-Hmm. She makes it from her adrenal gland. Mm-Hmm. So she makes testosterone out of progesterone. So her progesterone levels biologically go down when she’s making too much testosterone. Now, it’s not that when you understand that, it’s like she’s got this progesterone that, that gets produced. Not when she’s dependent on someone.

John (01:00:51):
It gets produced when she’s doing what she likes to do. Okay. When a woman likes doing something, it can be social bonding or self bonding. Either those two things will produce progesterone. So she’s going to a job that she doesn’t like. It’s gonna zap all of her progesterone. She’ll have PCOS, which causes infertility. We see so many women with, with progesterone problems that can’t get pregnant. But you can also have inability to get pregnant because you don’t have enough estrogen. Estrogen is, has to double your estrogen levels of woman needs to generally be about 10 times more than the average man. And then it needs to double the 20 times more than the average man in order to ovulate or in order to have a orgasm. So anyway, back back to the story is, I want to finish that first point real quickly. Dopamine’s gonna go away.

John (01:01:44):
So you want to continue experiencing the attraction, the interaction to the lovemaking will be wonderful. That’s what Oh, what it’s called making love. It makes the love back. It brings it back again. You grow in it. Mm. So what’s that about? You have to culture a relationship and a lifestyle that gives you, gives you opportunity and support if you’re a woman to raise your estrogen. And if you’re a man to raise your testosterone. Now, if you’re in a gay relationship, oh, I don’t have a lot of my solutions aren’t focused. There. You’ve got both two women. So generally one tends to be more masculine, masculine personality things, and other one has tends to be more feminine. Okay, that’s good. Take time to playfully reverse roles. ’cause the, the woman who’s way on her masculine side, she’s gonna need extra nurturing on her female side.

John (01:02:37):
Hmm. So they do tend to, in the beginning, have more harmony. Although there’s some research showing that a lot of violence goes on in gay relationships that you would never think of. I, all I can say is I read that on the internet. And, and you know, so these are studies where they do data and statistics. That’s not my expertise. But I think that that could at be, there’s a lot of violence in heterosexual relationships too. And that can immediately go away if we balance our hormones with each other. Mm-Hmm. Use each other to balance hormones. Now let me give you a practical example of that.

John (01:03:11):
Maybe a quick story, just a little illustrate. I was on a cruise and, and a woman was kicked off the boat for being violent. Okay? Most people don’t think of women as violent. And I heard the husband talking about her, and I could see why she became violent. Okay. It was completely, first of all, they both drinking too much. Hmm. And then he puts her down and he keeps making fun of her and dismissing her. And I don’t think his intent is so bad that he doesn’t understand. If you make, he thinks it’s ridiculous, you know, women will complain. You looked at that. That was silly. Don’t, that’s so ridiculous. You’re always so jealous. You know, some kind of conversation. Mm-Hmm. Like that. Stir up the, a woman’s vulnerability goes to negativity or it goes to positivity. Hmm. She’s an emotional woman. She was drinking a lot of beer, which makes you more emotional. Man or woman. Makes you more emotional. And it’s an estrogen producer. So if a man has a violent tendency, he shouldn’t drink beer.

Brad (01:04:11):
It’s the vulnerability. Vulnerable to anger rather than vulnerable to sharing your feelings. When you say positive or negative vulnerability,

John (01:04:19):
It means you’re Yeah.

Brad (01:04:20):
Positive or violence or whatever

John (01:04:21):
The distinction there is to be vulnerable is to be affected by someone. See, so

Brad (01:04:25):
Vulnerable is not always positive. People we always hear we gotta be more vulnerable. Be more vulnerable. No, not if you’re drinking too much and engaged in toxic conversation.

John (01:04:37):
Right. The flip vulnerable is basically saying, you, I’m giving you the power to affect me. Hmm. So you can bring me to heights of joy and happiness, or you can really knock me down. And any woman who is emotional, some women, their personality types and so forth, we have different personality types. But some personality types are gonna be more emotional. These women can easily be pushed into extreme negativity or extreme positivity. And, and men have the power to do that. I can bring out the best in her. I can bring out the worst, worst of her. Same thing with women. Women have the power to bring out the best in a man, bring out the worst in a man. If we wanna get rid of violence and relationships, which does occur. And it’s horrible. It’s ugly. It’s terrible. I don’t like to talk too much about it.

John (01:05:22):
But it is what happens is typically there’s a feeling of invalidation of the woman. Okay? And a feeling of defensiveness on the man He wants to be right. And she wants the right to express what she feels. There’s a need in women to express what they feel. And that’s the emotional side needs to be heard. And when the man hears it, he takes it personally. And he then first he tries to solve it. Okay, well, you shouldn’t feel that way. Well, you’re making a big deal out of this. Well, you’re completely wrong about that. Or you’re being too needy. You know, he’ll come back with his negativity, which only inflames her negativity, which then inflames his. So that’s the, that’s the energetic dynamics of typically male female negative interaction. What can happen if couples understand? If men can understand whenever I’m angry, it will only get worse.

John (01:06:18):
Whenever I’m angry, there’s no way she’s gonna be able to trust me, appreciate me accept anything I say. ’cause you know, if you speak words, you only speak words that are gonna have a, a positive effect. Right? I’m not talking to have no effect. I want a positive effect. So if you’re talking and you realize if I’m angry, nothing you say will be heard by her. She has an automatic defensive reaction. And it won’t ever change. You can’t change it. You see women have a whole history of this is genes. This is gene. And I can’t say it will never change. Some women can do it. My mother had the ability to do it. My father would get angry sometimes, and she would just do nothing. She told me later, as I grew up, she says, when your father gets angry, sometimes I just stand there and I just feel this huge energy flow through me of love to him now.

John (01:07:11):
But my mother was a very special lady. She was a energy healer. She had a esoteric spiritual bookstore. You know, I was doing yoga at three years old. <laugh>, I became a celibate monk. You know, I was meditator my whole life. So, you know, I have a different perspective on these things of, but I’ve never seen a woman who can, you know, they’ll shut down. Because historically when men get angry, people die. That’s just a reality. When men get angry, people die. You don’t feel safe when somebody is angry. And now safety is maybe at, at least in our awareness, at least 10 times more in a woman’s awareness. You see? And it’s also part of being feminine, is protecting your child. What could go wrong? What could go wrong? What can go wrong? It’s kind of like what’s happened to our culture where they’re constantly giving us things to worry about <laugh>.

John (01:08:04):
It puts us in fight or flight. And what we have to realize is that women have a greater tendency in fight or flight in order to have a bias towards negativity. So do men, men have the bias? I’m just saying because women have more emotion. Their biology is more around estrogen. Whenever you have danger, then your brain loses its capacity to see the possibilities of good. Okay. It, it basically, we have, we have a prefrontal cortex here. And the left one only looks at what’s positive. Everything’s cool, everything’s okay. No problem. The right prefrontal cortex looks at every problem that what could go wrong, and what has gone wrong and remembers what has gone wrong. Mm-Hmm. <affirmative>. And that’s the right prefrontal cortex. So whenever we’re stressed, the right prefrontal cortex becomes more active. There’s a bias towards seeing negativity. It’s amazing. The brain will change.

John (01:09:03):
And this is why in politics, we say, if somebody’s making money from a policy. Money is one of the biggest biases there is. Or I was just hearing from somebody who said that, you know that, well, I didn’t know that. When doctors prescribe certain drugs, they get huge bias. They get huge amount of money from the pharmaceutical. They actually get paid by the pharmaceutical. Every time you promote their drug, they get money. Uh, you know, most people didn’t know when you went on the ventilators, which nobody survived, except for a few, they got a hundred thousand dollars. Anytime a hospital put you on the ventilator, you got an extra a hundred thousand dollars. It was a cash. You know, these are horrible realities. But there’s a bias that takes place. Oh, we can put ’em on the ventilator. That’s my opinion. I just, but maybe it will help them. Maybe it will save them. You know, the brain has this bias thing where it rationalizes anything. Give money. Amazing thing. So back to getting us out of the stress mode, that’s the most important thing. I wanna give some practical tips. Understanding that any message I give to a woman that says she can trust me is gonna raise her estrogen. Mm. Okay. So if I’m an angry guy, she can’t trust me. She’s scared. Walk on eggs, shells. Now I,

Brad (01:10:24):
Yeah. John, you said that today’s female, her, her biggest fear in, in primal times, it was, you know, getting, uh, attacked by predator and needing the man for protection. And now this one really hit me hard when you said that, the female’s biggest fear of today is her partner’s anger.

John (01:10:44):
Yeah. Yeah. And, and the more we’re on our female side, the easier angry we get. See, th there’s this thing happening in our culture, which is simultaneously, we’ve got pesticides coming into our body. The effects of plastics is causing all of us to have endocrine disruptors. Mm-Hmm. <affirmative>, it disrupts our hormone system. So men start making more estrogen than testosterone. Testosterone’s going down. That’s one side of it. You know, life is a always a dark and a light. The other side of it, I believe, is a shift in consciousness. We are also much more aware, we’re more conscious. You know, we see the world having lots of problems, but actually things are better than they’ve ever been. On one level, at least, at least three years ago, things were getting better and better. Crime has dramatically gone down. You know, the standard of living, the amount of, of starvation on the planet has, you know, went to 1%.

John (01:11:38):
And that changed again. But it was better than it’s ever been. And when it was better than it was ever been, then suddenly people are complaining more. Why are they complaining more? Is because we’re more aware. Mm-Hmm. You see, when you have it good, then you can notice the bad. If everything’s just bad, you don’t notice the bad. That’s just the way life is. It is. ’cause life got better. Now we can look at the past and go, well, that was really bad. That was really bad. But at the time, that was the best we could be. So there’s a higher consciousness that’s happening now. And with that, this is the good side. Now the plastics are making us all shutting down certain neurons and everything, uh, genes. But that’s happening biologically. But on the other side of it, as, as a man, I’m very aware of my female qualities.

John (01:12:23):
And I’m very aware, like I love being a father. You know, I love making foreplay with my wife. I love taking care of her. More so than I ever, than men in the past would do. In the past, men didn’t even care about a woman’s orgasm. Okay? Now, every man asks a woman, did you have an orgasm? <laugh>? What’s he asking? He wants to feel successful. Making you happy. They never even asked that in the past. They didn’t even think about that. They didn’t even know how to do it. They didn’t do foreplay. It was just, so, this is, people don’t know the huge shift of consciousness where now we can be aware of our masculine side and our feminine side. We wanna express that. That was the sixties. And women now going, Hey, I wanna have a masculine side too. I wanna be free to solve problems, be on my own, not be so dependent on someone.

John (01:13:05):
That’s great. But then you go too far that direction, you kind of go, gee, why am I stressed all the time? Check your hormones. And with the hormones, if you’re a woman, it would be, I’m in a relationship and I have many relationships, not just with a man, but I have girlfriends. I have people I can talk to. I have children I can take care of. It’s not your own, but helping out others, it’s have or having a pet. These are all different forms of love. That’s nurturing love, unconditional love. It’s, it is I try to, I I work in the workplace to support myself, but I don’t have to do it all myself. I have support. See, support is relationship is all forms of support. And when women feel I’m surrounded by support, and at part of the month I get to do what I enjoy doing.

John (01:13:47):
I like doing. Now you’ve got healthy hormone levels. When hormone levels aren’t at the right balance for that particular person, which could be a bit different for different people. But when, you know, if you’re stressed, you’re not taking care of your hormone levels. And generally for women, in my experience, and if you look at the statistics, it’s low estrogen or low progesterone and not low testosterone. And even when a woman has low testosterone, which most women as they’re getting older, they do have low testosterone compared to when they’re younger. What is the cause of that? Women make testosterone as a response to high estrogen. Okay? So you can look again biologically, when a woman’s estrogen goes really high, her brain releases luteinizing hormone, the same hormone that surges men’s testosterone and her testosterone goes higher. So that’s the healthy way for a woman to have high testosterone.

John (01:14:40):
So there’s no woman who has low testosterone and has healthy progesterone and estrogen. Mm-Hmm. <affirmative>. It doesn’t exist. So yeah, you can take testosterone, it can create some sex desire, no question about it. But you’re not addressing the cause of the problem, which is the stress in your body because you’re not making enough estrogen. Mm-Hmm. <affirmative> giving a woman testosterone does not lower her stress levels or giving her estrogen generally doesn’t do it either. It’s making it. So my whole thing is, if you can make it, that’s the best solution. And you can realize, what have I not done in my life? Which is why I’m not making the right hormones over and beyond, what is it? Beyond, um, menopause. You know, all this menopausal problems that women are having. So many divorces during menopause because, you know, she’s just not her. She’s so stressed.

John (01:15:26):
’cause her hormones are out of balance because her ovaries are no, no longer making the estrogen. Her. What can make estrogen at that point is her adrenal gland. But if she’s been stressed out for 10 years, her adrenal gland is burnt out and she can’t make the estrogen. So she can still just make testosterone. She needs the estrogen to balance her testosterone and her testosterone or estrogen. These will all naturally start going down. But the key to an active sex life, a happy life for a woman is the right balance of her testosterone and her estrogen. When she’s younger, it’s the body automatically does it after, uh, I mean, it demands it. And if it, if it doesn’t get it, she feels really unhappy. So she could be hormonally out, out of balance after menopause and have kind of a contentment in her life. She won’t have so much stress in her life. <laugh>, you know,

Brad (01:16:15):
Low estrogen and low testosterone, just kind of a duller experience of life. Yeah.

John (01:16:20):
A dull experience. And, and, and often, uh, kind of a, a testosterone driven bitterness for some women, which is, I can’t depend on anybody. I’ll just do it myself and see that feeling. I can’t depend on anybody, is a symptom of low te, low dose of low estrogen. Mm-Hmm. I can depend. Oh, I have so many people I can depend on. Mm-Hmm. And I’m not all women. I’m saying when the problems show up, this is the reason. Mm. And this is also the solution is having this understanding. So here’s a quick tips ’cause we’ve already gone overtime and, and, but I think I’m okay with that for a few minutes. I wanna leave people. This is so the knowledge, there’s more knowledge At my website, marsvenus.com. My favorite course at our, you know, we have so much free stuff, but one course you can pay for, it’s a six week workshop. It’s really profound. It’s called Understanding Men. I also do weekend workshops here in California, travel around the world doing them. But that’s always available at my website.

John (01:17:18):
The tips. So the tips are this, a woman can practice, first of all, for men to give her four hugs a day. Just say to your husband, honey, I realize my estrogen levels are low. I need four hugs a day. And each hug needs to be six seconds. And say something sweet to me. I’m gonna say something to you. And what she’s gonna say on one of those hugs during the day is she’s gonna say, do you love me? And he’s gonna say, yes, that’s it.

Brad (01:17:42):
Of course. Oh, wait, no, <laugh>.

John (01:17:46):
Exactly. The men will take it personally. You asked me yesterday. Of course I do again. Yeah, of course I do. Of course I do. It’s a, it’s an expression of love to say those words. It’s powerful, but it only is powerful. And I’ll say it’s most powerful in many cases. It’s only powerful if the woman asks for it. Mm. See, you know, I, I have one client and I have ’em doing this to change their relationship. One of the most powerful tools I teach, it’s simple things that are powerful. And, and when I first taught them, he said, I tell you all the time, you’re beautiful. I love you. You’re amazing. And she goes, yeah, yeah. But she pushes it away. But if she has to ask for it, she can’t be pushing it away. Mm-Hmm. <affirmative>. See, it is like, and you say to him, I love you so much. And sometimes they like it, but sometimes they think, well, if you love me so much, why’d you forget to bring home the milk? You know, immediately that comes up. Right. But if she has to find the vulnerability, just if you say, do you love me? That’s super vulnerable. Because what if he was to say, of course, <laugh> Or, or what if he was to say, well, you know, it sort of changed, or I’m kind of mad at you.

John (01:18:53):
What, whatever it is, or, you know, I’m thinking of leaving you. She, you could say anything, they would tear. They would just rip it. Or shreds. You see, when you, when you say, do you love me? You’re giving someone the power to hurt you or elevate. Mm. If I don’t reveal it, and women go, well, I don’t feel that insecure. I say, well, you’re not in touch with that part of you. But when you’re putting on your makeup next time, ask yourself why you’re putting on the makeup when you’re changing outfits. Why are you putting changing outfits <laugh>? Because you want people to love you. And when you fell in love with this man, you want to feel the same feelings when you began the relationship. Well, that was your big question. Does he love me? Is he there for me? Does he think I’m beautiful?

John (01:19:34):
Why do we have, stop doing that? And that’s when the sex was the best. If you want the sex to be like it was in the beginning, you need to be like you were in the beginning. <laugh>. It’s just real simple logic here. And this is a mindblower. So you start with it, doing four hugs a day. And one of the hugs, she’ll say, do you love me? Or do you feel you, you still, are you still happy with me? Are you glad you married me? If you’re married, do you still think I’m beautiful? Any of these kind of phrases, you promise you love me? And he yes, I promise I love you. Now, if I was a man just being logical and not my romantic side, she can say, you, are you sure you’ll always love me? Now after five years of marriage or hearing other people’s stories about what happens in their marriages, well, I can’t be sure that I always love you. ’cause if you were to mistreat me, how can I still love you? Or I can love you at a distance that’s called logical thinking. Mm. There’s times not to use your logical brain <laugh>, but just your hearts. You let your hearts. And

Brad (01:20:31):
There’s also times per John Gray’s doctrine, fake it till you make it. That’s right. And you, you give us permission in the last show. And I love that because, you know, it might not be the best time for the, for the couple right now, and it might be struggling into dysfunction. But if you follow the assignment and you pay good money for the course and study it, then go do your four hugs a day for six seconds. It, it’s beautiful stuff. But I think we’re so stuck in ruts that, you know, we need to, we need to bust out and, and take this advice to heart. Even the fake it till you make it part.

John (01:21:04):
Yeah. And even with the I when she says, do you love me? Maybe a part of me goes, well, maybe not today. But you don’t say that if you see the thing about men, if a man says, if she says, do you love me? Alread we recognize she’s vulnerable. Mm. So that, and it’s itself brings out more love inside of us. Hmm. Then we say the right thing. And even you’re sort of not, you don’t have the words for it, but you say, yes, I love you. The answer to that is, yes, I love you. And then another question, which is, how much do you love me? And the answer to that, I love you so much. At least that is a simple little ritual you do. Now, why the ritual? Because when she’s vulnerable and he says that, it will touch her in a positive way, and then he will feel his connection with her.

John (01:21:52):
Hmm. Not only that, but he said, I love you. When you say something and you’re a man, you wanna be right. Okay. This is the what runs every man. If I say it, I wanna be right. So, you know, this is your strength. I’m right. I, this is why couples argue I wanna be right. Nothing wrong with being right. That’s how you get paid. That’s how you save your life. That’s how you save other, nothing wrong with being Right. You know, people say, oh, you’re always trying to be right. Of course I’m trying to be right <laugh>, but, but let me also do the right thing. Yeah. But when I say I love you, and she, to whatever extent she can let it in, I now will defend that statement. And there’s a part of the brain, which is now called the reticular activating system, which is the part of the brain that looks for reasons to be right.

John (01:22:38):
That’s its job. If I, that’s why you set, that’s why setting goals is so important for testosterone production. If you set a goal, then your brain immediately goes, okay, what are the best ways to do it? How much energy you gonna need to do it? If you don’t have a clear goal in mind, you just sit there. You have, because there’s go with the flow. Nothing wrong with going with the flow, but it’s good to have a, a direction. You know, you’re going in and that will bump up your testosterone. Uh, I think I heard Tony use a phrase. Tony Robbins used the phrase, he’s all about manpower. Get out there and achieve your goals and everything. And he used the phrase, which was, uh, always have a compelling future. A compelling future. You’re looking forward to something you see. Mm-Hmm, <affirmative>, it’s, it’s from my side.

John (01:23:17):
Just have a goal that you feel you can achieve and you’re moving towards it. But it was a good phrase, compelling future. I could see why you would use that phrase. So that’s the first thing. Four hugs a day. The powerful technique of looking for reassurance after you practiced that for a while, when you have sex at least once a week. And, and ideally, and not in every situation only once a week. Now why is that? Mm-Hmm. <affirmative>, there’s research showing that for men’s testosterone levels, if they have sex on Saturday night, and they have it on Tuesday, on Saturday morning, his testosterone level does not, is the same as it always is. And the same as always is, is 1% down every year. That’s the average for men instead of going up, which has happened for me. Now, this is, I can only say this, I intuitively knew it.

John (01:24:02):
I only had sex once a week. Okay. And people, but I’m a sex expert and everything. I counsel that people say, how much sex do you have? I say, quality over quantity. And that was just my instinct. And I didn’t like saying it. ’cause everybody was always disappointed when I said it. ’cause we’re all sex addicts. Right? But, and, and there’s nothing wrong on a weekend. Special time. Lot of romance get in bed and do it. But what happens is, now couples are often creating a quota at we least they have sex twice a week, if not three times a week. And then some men are just addicted to sex. They want it every day. That, that’s a different story. But the research shows if you have sex on Saturday night and you go six days without an ejaculation, you go six days without, you could have sex without, ejaculation, which is what I do.

John (01:24:50):
So I have sex every day. But you can have, that’s a whole nother topic. That’s advanced stuff.

Brad (01:24:55):
that’s gonna be show number five, I think.

John (01:24:57):
Yeah. Yeah. That’s a big, big topic. But oh my god. It means, it means the woman wants to have sex with you every day. Mm-Hmm. <affirmative>. And then that makes you wanna have sex with him. Okay? So this this amazing stuff that we can grow into. But the research, they haven’t done the, the research on that. The research on the not ejaculation more than once a week. What happens is after sex, your during sex, your testosterone goes up, depending on how amazing it is and how much passion there is. But always you have your emission, your testosterone will always go back to your, your baseline. Hmm. Now, while it’s at baseline, if you have sex again, or you imasturbate, it will go back to baseline.

John (01:25:38):
But on Saturday morning, when you wake up, it will be at baseline. If you go six days without ejaculatiing, a man’s testosterone levels will double or at least go 50%. Mine doubled. But it will go, the research on young men was they went up 50%. That’s biologically a reality. If you ejaculate too much, your testosterone levels go down. And this is my, my major reason why we have all these 20 year olds today whose testosterone is 20% lower than it was 20 years ago. On average, they’re doing it every day. Hmm. Nobody understands. This is a big secret. They can’t even find, do a study with a control group. <laugh> in college. You don’t see studies that on college people. Yeah. So these are young men. If they go without sex for six days and then have sex, you gotta have sex as well. If you’re not having sex, it doesn’t increase 50%.You have a compelling future. You went six days without sex and now you have a compelling future. And even if you’re not in the mood, if you’re in a couple relationship, what I recommend is getting in bed and saying, okay, we’re not gonna have sex. There’s no goal at all. We’re just gonna gently get naked under the covers and massage each other and just touch each other. It feels good. There’s no goal. There’s no goal. And ironically, that’s the best advice. Even if you’re having sex, there’s absolutely no goal. You’re just giving pleasure to your partner and, and you in your mindset, I’m giving pleasure to my partner and I’m being pleased for one reason to feel the love that’s in my heart. Hmm. This is, most people are not aware that if men feel pleasure, then they can feel more. And when they can feel more, they can access the ability to feel the love in their heart.

John (01:27:27):
Because every man who’s happy marriage, to a certain extent, he loves his partner. You know, of course I love you, honey. I’m not, you know, you’re the one, I’m committed to you. I love you. But in, I like feeling the love generally not. Mm-Hmm. There’s even many have written books on experts saying, love is not a feeling. It’s ’cause they’ve never felt love. What they do is they do loving things. Mm-Hmm. In the beginning they sure felt love, but they’ve forgotten that. You know? ‘Cause it, the ability for men to access the feeling of love either happens with little children. Someone in need. A big thing you do in need. You feel you love yourself more. You feel proud of yourself. But this feeling of love for your partner is activated to the greatest extent through the sexual interaction. That’s just how we’re biologically set up.

John (01:28:12):
That’s when men can feel the most. Because we’re designed to it. It causes so much pleasure. Okay? Just pure pleasure to be stimulated. But if you go just into the pleasure, it’s over. If you go into, I’m feeling pleasure to now feel my love and express my love, now, it lasts longer. And eventually you mature into no need to have a emission. You become multi-orgasmic as a man, as a woman. So these are all possibilities that, you know, we can learn from the ancients. You know, this was taught, you know, thousands of years ago that tantrics and the Daoist, you know, they all made everything a spiritual celebration. But that knowledge was very secret, because you can’t do it unless you have access to both your male and female side. It’s a very, and people today do so. But the first step is just giving up the addiction.

John (01:28:59):
It would never work until you give up the addiction to having sex more than once a week. So that, that’s, it is just an addiction. Right. It’s why it produces so much pleasure. It produces so much dopamine. And then your body will go back. But just like with any addiction, if you indulge it, it just gets worse and worse. So some men wanna come three times a day, you know, they’re just completely addicted to it. Very, very unhealthy addiction. Even though it’s a very natural thing to make love to have sex and those things.

John (01:29:27):
Oh, so I wanna give another takeaway. I’ve that this is the little things make a big difference. That’s a straight Mars Venus one. But post Mm-Hmm. <affirmative> haven’t read Men from Mars. Uh, men don’t know. They think one big thing. This was Valentine’s Day and I did get, I got 24 roses from my partner for Valentine’s Day. And they look beautiful. Uh, I could have on a regular basis, you know, you get a response. I can bring a one rose and get the same response. See, men always think bigger is better, and occasionally bigger is better. But you can’t do 24 roses every week. It will just become habituated. Oh, he brought roses again. He brought roses again. But you do little things. Little things make a big difference for women. Little things do very little for men. So that’s a, so if you wanna get a surgeon estrogen, give her 24 roses. You get a surgeon in estrogen, she can check that off. I got my Valentine’s rose. But, but again, on a random basis, you bring a rose three roses, you’re gonna get the same response. You give a hug after a while, the hug thing will be a little, little bit habituated, but still do it. Because a biological need to be touched in a non way is very, very important. It’s just biology there. So that, that’s one. I think of another quick one. I know the time the bell rang off. I’ve got another interview, but I’m so much happy to cover.

Brad (01:30:45):
Oh Gosh. Just such beautiful show today. And you, you covered so many amazing topics. I appreciate you so much, John. And fresh new stuff. You know, some of, some of it was in beyond Mars and Venus, and then we went beyond, Beyond Mars and Venus. Yeah. Yeah. <crosstalk>, what would we expect? Anything less from John Gray. So <laugh>, Go get onto your other interview. I encourage listeners to, to, to listen over and over to the same show and get all this stuff. ’cause we went, we moved through quickly. But some amazing life-changing insights, uh, in my opinion,

John (01:31:18):
Brad, I have three minutes. I have one more.

Brad (01:31:20):
Okay, one

John (01:31:21):
More. This is really fun hack. All right. So if I was like exhausted and tired and, and or not even exhausted and tired, and my wife was gonna go make tea, okay? She likes to drink some tea. And the, and the last of her mind would be to ask me to make her a cup of tea. Because a man will think, well, you can make it yourself. What’s the big deal? It a cup of tea. So my partner, I said, any little thing you ever want me to do that you can do yourself, please ask me to do. Hmm. When a woman asks you to do something she can do herself, it’s extremely vulnerable because a man will say, well, you can do it yourself. But the reality is it raises estrogen. What is it? When you go to a restaurant, you can cook your own meal, you can do that.

Brad (01:32:04):
But having someone do something you can do for yourself creates romance. It’s a simple logic. Nobody thought of that. Okay. So this is asking little things that you can do yourself at least once a day. Just making a, so many women have difficulty asking for things because the only time they’ll ask is when they can’t do it. And they really need you to do it. Or they’ll ask you and then, or they won’t ask you. And a lot of women walk around with little resentment because they think you should have done that and you didn’t do that. It’s so obvious to a woman that she, you know, how could you ignore me? You know, they think we have a hat on time. We’re supposed to understand women and be motivated to do things. You know, I like flowers. Why aren’t you bringing me flowers? And of course his response will be, well, I did that.

John (01:32:45):
Why do I have to do it again? <laugh>, and you go to the grocery stores, why don’t you pick ’em up? See, we don’t have the same sensibilities, but for women to actually feel the love in their heart, remember I said women being vulnerable helps us to step forward. Say that. Then both can feel the love more over time. For her to feel the love, she has to experience her vulnerability that gives him energy. And when he does something for her big or small causes estrogen to go up and she can start to feel her love more. See, they get stuck in that. They get stuck in, he didn’t do this, he didn’t do that. And or habituate. And there’s no passion there. So this is a real simple, I just, it’s you put your hands up and you with a little signal and you say, uh, when you have a chance, I need your help.

John (01:33:30):
And you just quietly do this. This means it will only take less than five minutes. Mm. It won’t ask for more. It’s a five minute deal. So when you have a chance, I need your help. That’s one phrase. Another one is just casually, when you’re sitting together, maybe you’re watching TV or she’s doing something, you’re doing something, and she says, oh, John, would you do me, would, but this is, would I, would you help me with something? And says, or she could just go direct, say, would you make me a cup of tea? Would you, would you finish up the dishes? Uh, would you put that, those that trash away just a little request. See what women, the reason they do so much is they can’t ask for help. And what they need most to produce estrogen is experience. I can get help.

John (01:34:13):
So this is an agreement make with their partner. He’ll say Yes at any time, no matter what I’m doing, whatever. Unless it’s the end of the Super Bowl Sunday. Yeah. And even then, even then, you can put it on pause with our TVs today. But still it is. You put your hand up for five Absolutely. Without any resistance. I will do whatever you ask me to do. And what I’ve never met a man that I cannot talk to. And you won’t give your wife five minutes. Every man will say, of course I give her five minutes. Now you say, now five minutes, you’re gonna do something that’s you think is a waste of time, or she could do herself or it’s no big deal. So what You’re giving her five minutes and she can get that. You just, people don’t realize these little things have a huge impact on women’s estrogen levels. Knowing that anytime I can ask and I can get that.

Brad (01:35:03):
Beautiful, I love that, that final, final thought. So easy to turn things around if you just set your mind to it and make the commitment.

John (01:35:12):
And I like what you’re saying. If you’ve got, you know, couples got history and they’ve got stuff, just put your stuff here and try these things and try these things. And the past melts away because you’re now making the hormones of being in the moment.

Brad (01:35:26):
Fantastic. MarsVenus.com. We could see all the courses, we can pick up the books. And it’s John Gray everybody. Thanks for listening. Thank you so much, John.

John (01:35:37):
One correction. It’s MarsVenus.com, No. And oh,

Brad (01:35:40):
Mars venus.com. Sorry. Thank you so much. Was nice. We, we’ll find you and, uh, keep up the great work. Thank you. I appreciate you, man.

John (01:35:47):
Thank you, Brad. So, so happy for you as well. Thank you.

Brad (01:35:49):
Thank you, John. Bye-Bye

John (01:35:51):
Bye-Bye.

Brad (01:35:52):
Thank you so much for listening to the B.rad Podcast. We appreciate all feedback and suggestions. Email, podcast@bradventures.com and visit bradkearns.com to download five free eBooks and learn some great long cuts to a longer life. How to optimize testosterone naturally, become a dark chocolate connoisseur and transition to a barefoot and minimalist shoe lifestyle.

 

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