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TRANSCRIPT:

Brad (00:00:00):
Welcome to the B.rad podcast, where we explore ways to pursue peak performance with passion throughout life without taking ourselves too seriously. I’m Brad Kearns, New York Times bestselling author, former number three world ranked professional triathlete and Guinness World Record Masters athlete. I connect with experts in diet, fitness, and personal growth, and deliver short breather shows where you get simple actionable tips to improve your life right away. Let’s explore beyond the hype hacks, shortcuts, and scien0ce talk to laugh, have fun and appreciate the journey. It’s time to B.rad.

Susan (00:00:38):
There’s no shortcut to a warmup. A warmup is you do the warmup, and so you have to build the time in for the warmup and not expect your woman to have the erectile response that

Brad (00:00:52):
Susan Bratton, the sex expert, is back, and she brings the heat as usual. Please listen to our first show where we talked all things sexuality and received her many, many tips and tricks and exciting stories getting you fired up to improve your sex life. But in show number two, I thought we would start with the idea that a lot of couples are less than their best in this category these days. And so Susan took that ball and ran with it and rattled off 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 main reasons why sexual intimacy could be faltering in your love relationship. And we checked those boxes, and then she immediately jumped into three awesome tips to help you revive your sex life. I’m gonna give you a little teaser here so that you’ll listen to this whole amazing fast moving show. But I love her first one, which was make a commitment to nurture your sex life rather than letting it be falling down the list of priorities with all the other responsibilities and things that get in the way of healthy sex life.

Brad (00:02:13):
So that’s the first one is listen to the dang show here, and that’ll be your first step toward turning things around and taking notes. And she rattles off her many websites where she has free course material and downloads and videos. And I really encourage you to go and check out her content and the many, many free resources. She really does give quite a bit to the community and has helped so many people. She’s become a good friend of mine and she really is so caring and interested and will get me set up with her supplements and her favorite toys and suggestions. And she’s just out there trying to help relationships improve. Get a load of this cool bio that I’m gonna read, and it just shows how much flavor she has. She’s an author, award-winning speaker, serial entrepreneur who teaches passionate lovemaking techniques to her fans around the world.

Brad (00:03:07):
She has authored and published 20 books, including Relationship Magic, the Passion Patch, which she mentioned during the show, and 30 romantic tricks that work like magic. She also has her international number one Amazon bestseller, Sexual Soulmates, the Six Essentials for Connected Sex. So you’re gonna get a ton of practical tips and information during this show, as well as a really nice big picture perspective about why relationships might fall off their A game a little bit and how to get it back quickly, what could be more important. And as Susan explains, when you have a healthy sex life, there is great research showing that you live longer, you have better immune function, you have better anti-cancer protection, you have more longevity, you have more energy, you have better sexual hormone health, and all these things really do contribute to a better life. Make this show your top priority and all the suggestions and recommendations that she offers up Susan Bratton, the one and only. Here we go.

Brad (00:04:17):
Susan Bratton the Sexpert. I’m so glad to have you back, especially because questions have been piling up and we’re trying to leverage the great show we did last time with all your amazing tips. And of course, we’re gonna give all the the website links where you can get inundated with fantastic and very entertaining commentary, tips and advice. So thanks for coming back, Susan.

Susan (00:04:40):
B.rad. It is so good to see my friend. I was looking forward to getting together with you today. We had such a good time the last time, and I saw that you had John, my, my buddy John Gray, he lives here in my town. Um, I saw you had John on just recently, so that’s great. He’s gonna tell you all the estrogen and the testosterone and the <laugh>, know,

Brad (00:04:59):
<laugh>, Yeah. That shows flows. It flows beautifully into this one because you know, you need that hormonal balance and relationship dynamics. That’s such a favorite topic of mine. And then now we can kind of layer that with your area of expertise and, and passion for so long, so to speak. But I just, before we hit record, I said, um, you know, let’s leverage all the great, uh, talk we did on the first show. Um, and one of the things that came up with some listener commentary was, oh, that show with Susan was great. That, that was some really a, a amazing stuff and, and eye-opening. However, right now, um, it’s not really my top priority because the relationship is, you know, filled with stress, hectic tension, resentment, distance is being created. So our sexual techniques and enhancing the orgasmic pleasures is on the back burner, so to speak. So I thought we could like jump into that issue in case any listeners can relate or have friends who might be Oh, our first caller’s calling in. Yeah. My friend is not getting passionate anymore. Okay.

Susan (00:06:09):
You’re so cute. <laugh>.

Brad (00:06:09):
Yeah, mine. Three calling in. Okay. Yeah, you’re talking, you’re calling on behalf of a friend. Okay, sure. <laugh>, Susan knows all about how to handle those people. Does your friend still get an erection? Does your friend eat a healthy diet? <laugh>. All right.

Susan (00:06:25):
<laugh>. I’m not sure you need me, baby. I think you got it, <laugh>. We’re

Brad (00:06:28):
On, we’re on the groove as usual.

Susan (00:06:30):
Well, all right. So I’m thinking about the stressful world we live in, the fact that sometimes there are frustrations outside the bedroom that prevent couples from getting inside the bedroom. And, what do you do about it? So there are a wide variety of things. I’m gonna lay, I’m gonna throw out, I’m gonna throw down a bunch of stuff and you go, let’s do that. Let’s talk about that first or that first. All right. So one of them is that I notice that couples stop touching each other at all when they stop having intercourse. And often they end up in separate rooms because usually he snores, <laugh>. Turns out testosterone is an exacerbates snoring. So that’s why men snore more than women do, though women certainly do snore. But you know, you’re in separate bedrooms. You’re, you’re watching tv, you get up from the couch, you go into your rooms, you go to sleep, there’s no time for sex.

Susan (00:07:30):
So that, that’s a pretty common thing is that we don’t even touch each other anymore part of it. And that’s kind of one of the first things you have to deal with. The second thing is, my partner doesn’t, they kind of think their sex life is over. They don’t really feel like they need to have sex anymore. But what about me? I’m still horny. So there’s that one, there’s the, we’re both too stressed. We’re like ships in the night, they’re on the road. I’m on the road. By the time we get home, we just need to flop. The last thing I wanna do is one more thing. That’s a big one. So I would say those are the most common things. Our sex life used to be good, but it’s just petered out. And when I ask for sex, my partner turns me down. I feel really rejected. I don’t feel like they really love me. I don’t even understand why I’m in this relationship anymore. Now it’s just like, we’re here to feed the dog and the cat <laugh>.

Susan (00:08:42):
That’s all we’re left with is the posable thumbs to open cans, <laugh> bags of dog food. <laugh>, that’s another one. My partner let themselves go. I don’t find them attractive anymore. I mean, I just, why don’t they take care of themselves? Why are they doing that? I take care of myself. How come he’s got that big belly that’s disgusting. Or why does she, you know, that kind of thing. That’s a big one. Yeah. I’m trying to think if there’s any other, other big, big, big, but well, another big one that is that, and this one’s more like a therapy one rather than a what to do about your sex life one. But it’s my partner cheated on me and I cannot forgive them. Like they’re not allowed to go with the other person, but I hate ’em <laugh>. So I’m just gonna keep ’em here in the house and torture for the rest of their, their lives and be prison sentence and miserable. Yeah.

Brad (00:09:41):
They got two more years left on their sentence. Then I’ll think about sex. Yeah.

Susan (00:09:44):
It’s like the, that’s like a, that’s about the 20% of 20% of people is, is in that category.

Brad (00:09:50):
I mean, are you saying that for real, that there’s Yeah, A lot of this a lot of these, these are actual pie slices of relationship dysfunction?

Susan (00:10:02):
I just gave you the pie. I just gave you all the

Brad (00:10:04):
Slices. Yeah, that’s the whole pie. Maybe there’s a few crumbs of whatever strange, uh, <laugh>. Yeah, there’s crumbs. My partner doesn’t like threesomes and I do, or whatever, you

Susan (00:10:12):
Know? Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Or, um, you know, we’re stationed overseas or, you know, you know, there’s those, or when we have sex, it’s amazing, but neither of us ever lift a finger to have it <laugh>. That’s, yeah. Add that one into the slice too. Mm-hmm <affirmative>. Like, no, nobody, it’s the, it’s the blind leading the blind behind closed doors, Brad.

Brad (00:10:32):
So there’s that. Maybe that’s a, maybe that’s a good one to start with because mm-hmm <affirmative>. I also feel like that dynamic could apply to various other things in your life, such as, I feel much better when I start my day with a workout and go to the gym, but I’ve been too busy. And so we kind of get into the we get inundated with, with stress and responsibility and distraction. And even though there’s a huge payoff that we can confirm from life experience, we still haven’t been intimate in one week, two week, four weeks, whatever. And there’s no major crisis. It’s just a habit or something.

Susan (00:11:11):
You’re not doing the old in and out. It’s not happening

Brad (00:11:13):
<laugh>. Right, right, right. It’s just as simple as that.

Susan (00:11:16):
Yeah. Yeah. We’re not motivated for some reason. Yeah. Yeah.

Brad (00:11:21):
That’s a big one. And then, then like, you know, time goes by and you’ve watched enough programming that you’re actually tired and you don’t feel like, whatever. Yeah. Mm-hmm <affirmative>.

Susan (00:11:32):
And I actually think that in a lot of these cases, which are the most common cases, energy is a big factor. You and I are both health-oriented people. We both love to work out, we love to do our things.

Brad (00:11:52):
Have sex.

Brad (00:11:52):
We focus on doing what it takes to generate a lot of energy. Like our workouts give us energy. The things that we do make us have more energy. And a lot of people don’t have energy, and they don’t even, they say, I don’t even have the energy to out, when in reality the energy to work out is what’s gonna give them the energy. So I actually think that a big, big, there’s a couple of big factors. One of them is I just don’t have enough energy. And that comes also from being too stressed. ’cause stress zaps you of resources. It’s a resource hog and it tires you. So I think that’s probably the single biggest issue when we’re not talking about a couple that has problems outside the bedroom. You know, when we’re, we’re gen, what we’re generally talking about here are people who are getting along pretty well. They’re just not getting it going on. And that’s, that’s a big issue. And oh God, it’s, it’s, you know, what I don’t want to be, and I really don’t like, are the, the sex experts who are like, just schedule sex. It’s like, if I, if that would’ve worked, I’d have done that a long time ago. You know what I mean?

Brad (00:13:10):
<laugh>, that’s like, that’s like Susie Orman saying, you know, you should stop drinking Starbucks and save 10% of your income. Oh, really? Save and invest 10% of my income. That’s pure genius. What a brilliant idea. Thank you very scheduling sex.

Susan (00:13:22):
And then it’ll just magically happen. Oh, hell no, it will not. We’re still too tired to have sex and we just wanna lie on the bed and watch TV Yeah. So that is definitely a part of it too. So, alright, what do you do about all this? How do we get here? Besides the lack of energy thing, which hopefully for most of your listeners, they’re here because they are taking care of their health. So I’m actually talking to an audience of way more healthy people than if I went on, you know, any kind of a kind of me, you know, big show that was just, you know, non-health oriented. So we’re already working with more than most people have, which is great. So what else went wrong? What happened?

Susan (00:14:04):
Probably the number one thing is that in our world, every example we see on the movies and television, especially when we watch pornography, even when we read a lot of erotica, it is based on a set of principles that are based on men’s arousal patterns. And so it leaves women behind because we have a very slow escalation. You guys have a fast escalator, and we have a ladder we’ve gotta climb up. And it’s heavy lifting to get our butts up that ladder. And the reason that is, is a number of things. Number one, you guys have more testosterone than we do. So let’s just say, you know, you’ve got, you wake up, you, you know, you get erections at night when you’re healthy, you wake up with a morning erection. You if, if your partner, generally, if you’re a guy and your, and your partner’s like you wanna have sex, you’d be like, yeah, I do.

Susan (00:15:14):
And your pants are already off. You’re ready to go. You’re pretty much available on demand for as much sex as we want as women, which I love that about you guys. Thank you so much for that erection and that willingness. I mean, it is, we couldn’t do it without you. Thank you. Nice to feel wanted. Yes, we, exactly. But the thing that happens is because we, what we think about when we think about sex is we think about, okay, sex is intercourse. So our job here is to have intercourse. And man, I love intercourse, especially because I literally turned into a sexpert because I wasn’t having orgasms from intercourse with my husband for 12 years and was like, I don’t wanna have sex with you anymore. This is like your, you can just masturbate. You do not need my vagina for this. You can just use your hand.

Susan (00:16:06):
And, you know, it was making my husband crazy. He tried everything to get me to have sex, and I just was like not into it because it wasn’t that great for me. And so, for a lot of people, it’s not that great because we don’t get taught what to do. We’re just making stuff up. We’re doing what we see. And when we do the things that we see, they’re great for guys’ pace of sex, but not so much for, for the gals. And, you know, everybody’s on this, on this big bell curve, right? There’s some women who are super horny all the time. They wake up, they want sex in the morning. I don’t know any of them, but I’ve heard they’re out there. They’re in magical unicorn land. I mean, there’s a few, a smattering of them, and I, I don’t think I know any of them personally, right?

Susan (00:16:54):
And I’ve been doing this for decades, but they’re out there. So, you know, it’s within the realm of po possibility, but it’s most common that the guy is ready to go. He’ll have sex whenever you want. And it’s the woman who is like, I don’t think so. Not maybe, maybe not today or this morning. It sounds like a good idea. By the end of the day, she’s not so sure. You know, that kind of stuff. And I think the biggest problem with that is that for us women, you’ve probably heard, uh, the research about how women are more responsive desire and men are more spontaneous desire. Hmm. And that’s what I’ve really been describing, is that it takes her 20 to 30 minutes to get to the level of turn on that you’re kind of walking around with all day long.

Susan (00:17:38):
You know, that is not a level playing field. And then when you get started, when she’s like, okay, let’s have sex, or we have sex on Saturday, so I am going to have sex with you on Saturday, you know, or whatever her arrangements are around assuaging her guilt over not wanting you as much as you wish she would, which is kind of what it is. Then your job is to have intercourse. And the thing is that it happens before she even gets, it’s like it’s over before she’s even turned on. Mm-hmm. She never really gets into that, you know, want and abandoned, slutty hungry, this ravenous lions, that’s what you wish she was like. And what she wishes she was like, a lot of times for women after they’ve had sex with their husbands, they’re like, that was good. Why don’t we do that more often? And the guy’s like, biggest eye roll in the world. Like, oh my God, are you kidding me? I’m offering you sex cons. I’m trying not to badger the crap outta you. Are you kidding? Like, how come you can’t remember from one sex date to the next how much you like sex? Like, why do you have amnesia? Sexual amnesia, <laugh>? Does any of this sound familiar?

Brad (00:18:54):
I hope so, listeners. But I am relating to that first question I asked about, it kind of gets passed over because, uh, I guess you could argue that the logistics are complex, especially as you described how both partners need to be feeling comfortable, safe, secure, going on their own, stair climb pace. And so it can get, it can get pushed away by dog feeding and, and opening the cans and, and <laugh> just dealing with busy life. And then you kind of look back and go, gee, um, why don’t we end every day like that? I can definitely, um, relate to that, but it just takes it just so hard to, to get to the starting point, you know? Yeah.

Susan (00:19:41):
So how do you circumvent all that? Yeah. What are the three little tricks that, you know, get all, make all these problems go away? There are a few. So I’ll just give you all the, all the things. And we’ve, we’ve definitely established the issue at this point. So let’s solve the problem. And the way that relationships work, it’s, everyone is totally unique. You guys are all snowflakes in a good way. And different things work at different times as well. So what worked yesterday might not work next week. So it can be confusing. So you have to have a big arsenal of strategies, because if you want to have the commitment to having good sex together, your whole life long, you kind of have to trick yourselves into doing it in some ways. Like you have, you know, the good intentions, but it never happens.

Susan (00:20:37):
And one of the things that I will say is, because I’m about to tell you how to fix the problem is that having a commitment to your sex life, a guilt-free commitment to your sex life, by understanding what you’re up against and why these things are the way they are, is very, very, very important. If you want to live longer than all your peers, you wanna look 10 years younger than all your peers, and you want to be happier than all your peers. So when you get to the end of your life, you are still having incredible intimacy. You’re creating oxytocin together. You’ve got lower cortisol, you’re sleeping better at night, you’re having orgasms. The orgasms you’re having are easier, they’re effortless. You’ve got more different pathways to pleasure. You really know your body. Your body has a giant palette of pleasurable possibilities that it enjoys.

Susan (00:21:39):
It knows the root to the, to the orgasmic ecstasy. It’s a well worn path. It’s got an ease to it. You get a wonderful, you know, cascade of neurotransmitters, all that good serotonin, you give her lots of testosterone so she stays confident and doesn’t turn into a scaredy cat, little old lady. Mm-hmm <affirmative>. Uh, you, um, have higher IGF one, so your immune system’s more solid. You’ve, you gen you’ve generated so many more nk natural killer cells than any of your friends because you guys have regular orgasmic pleasure together that neither of you got cancer and all your friends did. You know, I’m not guaranteeing that. But NK cells are where it’s at. And intimate, orgasmic ecstasy is what generates it. So, that ain’t bad. You are calm, more calm, less agitated, less, less willing to freak out about because you have nervous system reboots and you’re grounding and calming each other.

Susan (00:22:48):
You feel more loved, more seen more cherished. All of these things make your relationship with your partner the envy of all your friends. And you know that you have something that most people have forfeited because they gave up when they hit this wall and you kept going, what are the secrets? Tell me the coping mechanisms. Give me the shortcuts. I need some answers. Give me a checklist. Here we go.

Brad (00:23:17):
The very first thing is that because she’s got as much erectile tissue in her vulva vaginal system as you do in your penis, but it’s in nooks and crannies, you get a fast acting erection. She gets a slow, slow blossoming erection. And she, you wouldn’t have intercourse with her with a flacid penis, but she, if she doesn’t have the time to get really turned on, which just takes longer. Hmm. And you don’t want her to put pressure on herself.

Susan (00:23:50):
She has to learn to allow her body to have the responses. So she gets her lady boners. So everything just feels better no matter whatever you do. So she’s more likely to want to have intimate connection again, because it was so much better than anything she’d been having then. And that just started getting really good for her. And you have to think about yourself, and you come up with your own hashtag. But the one my husband and I use and we have used for decades is hashtag team sweetie. ’cause I call him sweetie, and he calls me sweetie. And so we just call ourselves team sweetie and team sweetie. It’s us against my biology <laugh>. It’s, there’s no blame game. There’s not, my arousal patterns are totally normal, but even I, to this day, when we are getting started, I can get impatient with myself for how long it takes me.

Susan (00:24:50):
And I just have to say to myself, there’s nothing wrong with you. You just, you just, you know, cool your heels little girl. You’re go get there. Don’t worry. Ask for what you need. Some days it’s a little faster than others, but this is what it takes. It’s like, it’s warming up your system. It’s literally warming up the muscles of your sex life and that you don’t do it instantly. There’s no shortcut to a warmup. A warmup is you do the warmup. And so you have to build the time in for the warmup and not expect your woman to have the erectile response that you do as a man. Because once you put that time in team sweetie, here we go. Let’s it, let’s get this girl her lady boner. This is, this is the job for team sweetie. Then she starts having much better pleasure.

Susan (00:25:35):
And then she remembers it more fondly and is more likely to say yes to your advances. That’s one thing. The second thing is, and people know this, but they don’t do it. You don’t touch each other except to try to get sex. And then mm-hmm. When you stop having sex, your partner avoids you for touch. So one of, one of my favorite programs is this little book called The Passion Patch. And it’s the one place to arouse her to turn her on in 30 seconds flat. And it’s actually a dozen different places to touch a woman that are different erogenous zones that you wanna be touching all the time, so that she’s very used to you having your hands on her so that she’s not like, oh God, you’re always grabbing me to try to get me to, you know, do things. You know, instead of that, it’s like you’re actually touching her because she wants it, because she’s now turned, you’ve turned your with, with your touch, understanding the difference between nurturing, touch, healing touch, sensual touch and sexual touch.

Susan (00:26:44):
You are suddenly touching her in nurturing, healing in sensual ways a lot more, instead of just in the sexual touch that makes her shy away from you. And then she’ll start touching you because she knows you can touch her without trying to get something. Then you’re touching her a whole bunch more and you’re touching her in lots of places. It could be, she likes the small of her back. It could be your hand resting on her knee. There are it, it could be encircling her wrist and pumping it a little bit, which is part of one of the shocker systems of pleasure in your body. Hmm. So there are myriad ways to begin to reestablish touch and connection. One of the things I like to do when I’m talking to my husband is sit on his lap to talk to him. I will just, if I, if I need to say something to him, I’ll walk to up to his desk and I’ll sit down on his lap.

Susan (00:27:36):
He’s gotten so used to that now that he rolls his chair back when I’m walking up toward him so I can get in there. He loves to have me sit on his lap. He just puts his arms around me, he rests his hands on my thigh. And it just, it’s just a moment for us of closeness and a little oxytocin and, you know, that kind of a thing. Another thing that I teach is something called the Soulmate Embrace. And the Soulmate Embrace. And I wanna give you a link to that because I find that if you download it and you read the steps, you’re like, oh, I got it. Okay. But if I tell you the whole thing right now, you might not remember. It’s at soulmateembrace.com and it’s basically how to hold your woman in a way that she’s been craving, that she never knew, that she never got her whole life.

Susan (00:28:25):
’cause it never dawned on you to hold her this way. And it’s basically, at its bare bones, it’s a long hug, but there’s some nuances to it, and I wanna stay at a surface. So I’m just gonna keep giving you other examples of things that to do. So that’s another, another big one is holding her in bed or holding her on the, on the sofa. Another technique is small offers. One of the one of the books that I published from my mentor, Dr. Patty Taylor, is called The Seduction Trilogy. I’ve given you all these. And, the Seduction trilogy is interesting. It’s the four keys to seduce your partner with integrity. And it doesn’t always need to be the male partner who’s doing this, but I find in the masculine feminine, typical general paradigm, that it’s a really nice thing when my partner runs me, a menu of small offers instead of asking me for sex, which I’m not in the head space to be in, because I’ve got to first relax before I can begin to think about becoming aroused.

Susan (00:29:34):
Hmm. Women, you know, we are very much multitaskers, where men are much more, you know, single-minded. And so you guys are, you get a boner and you’re ready to go. Where for us, it’s harder because we’re thinking about a million things. That’s how our brains work. It’s part of the process, neuroprotective process of keeping us safe, because we don’t walk in the world safely like our men do. And so we need our man to kind of put his hands on us, settle our body, get us out of our head, calm us down so that we can relax enough and let go enough to let our our spit run our eyes, water, our breasts, kind of relax our, our our blood to run to our pelvic bowl and begin to lubricate our vaginal linings. And, swell that erectile tissue. Those are the, those are the physiologic functions that don’t happen in fight, flight, freeze, or feed.

Susan (00:30:32):
They just don’t. So a big part of your job as the man that can be super helpful is when you learn how to touch us all the time so that we enjoy it, and then you hug us for long periods of time to relax us. And you make a small offer when I get home. Would you, like you say to me, would you like to lie on the couch and put your feet up on my lap and I’ll rub your feet and I’ll get you a glass of Chardonnay or whatever you’re drinking. And I’ll rub your feet and you can tell me about your day. Would you like to go into the bedroom? And I’ll give you a back rub. Would you like to go into the bedroom? And I’ll hold you and we can just catch up. Would you like to go in the hot tub or the sauna and just relax for a minute?

Susan (00:31:19):
Would you like me to get dinner started or call for takeout so we can just chill and connect? Because a big part of turnon is because a big part of turnon is the, the providing a safe container for her. But then that gets me into the other thing where couples tend to go kind of south, if you will, is that people think that they should automatically know how to have good sex. And men overestimate their skills because testosterone makes them very confident. And so they think they’re better in bed than they are. And also it’s easier for them generally because they’re ready to go. So it’s easier for them to achieve orgasm than their women, ’cause their women end up getting rushed ’cause they think they’re supposed to have a male response. And, and that’s not how their bodies work. And people aren’t taught that.

Susan (00:32:13):
And so they think it’s, something’s wrong with her, or she can’t orgasm, oh, well, too bad, we’re still gonna have intercourse. You know, that kind of thing. They don’t understand that everything’s a learned skill. They don’t understand that she’s slow, he’s fast. They don’t understand that she needs to be calmed first. These are things that are important, but also she needs a lot of variety. So while you’re offering that structure, that safety, that security, that attention, that affection, that adoration, that relaxation, she simultaneously will be really bored if that’s all she gets. Mm-hmm. And so what she wants is novelty. Mm-hmm. Variety, bedroom adventures, erotic play dates, excitement, things to look forward to. And that’s where I think having something like a sex life bucket list.

Susan (00:33:06):
There’s really, there’s two forks in the road right here where we are actually B,rad. One is we had something happen in our relationship. 20% of the time it’s cheating. 80% of the time it’s mental and physical health issues that took us off our game and we stopped having sex. And maybe it could be something like, you know, one of us had cancer, or we have erectile dysfunction, or what, whatever it is. Okay. We have my partner has ED and he is not doing anything about it. So we don’t have sex anymore. So we don’t even touch. So now we’re in separate bedrooms. Well, what needs to be done to regenerate his function? You know, the penis pumping, the nitric oxide, the gains waves, you know, all of the regenerative therapies that can reverse erectile dysfunction. You gotta go work on that stuff. So sometimes something happens and everything stops and you don’t know how to start it again. For that, I have essentially a five step process that couples can do themselves.

Susan (00:34:06):
’cause many couples don’t wanna go to therapy about this. If you do, your therapist will help you solve these problems. Mm-hmm. But I like things that are like a lot less talk therapy and more just like, let’s just fix the frigging problem. Mm. That’s why I didn’t become a therapist. That’s why I am a sexpert not a therapist. I just want you to have sex again and you can go to a therapist for all the other stuff. I just want you to have hot sex. And so I created this thing, it’s a free download as well. It’s called the Magic Pill Method. And essentially, most guys feel like they can’t bring the topic up because their wife, and it’s generally this way, but it’s not always, so this is just an example. Their wife will stonewall. They, she’ll have a shit fit if he brings it up.

Susan (00:34:48):
And so it’s like, ah, God, I don’t even wanna talk, I can’t talk to her about this. She won’t have a, she won’t communicate with me. Or he thinks no matter what I say, I’m gonna lose, she’s gonna be able to talk circles around me. ’cause men are men. A few words for a reason. Women are the more articulate group. Generally in relationships, it’s harder for men to access their feelings ’cause they get denied those feelings. As children. It’s part of our, it’s another part of our culture that messes up our relationships. And, you know, I didn’t make the rules. I just try to fix ’em. <laugh>. So The Magic Pill Method is a five part, step-by-step process for finding your way back together. And the, and the, and and it puts you on a level playing field. And what’s cool about it is that it actually gets you to list and get your partner to write down.

Susan (00:35:37):
It’s a little workbook actually. It’s a downloadable workbook. It’s free. Um, it gets your partner to list the things they’d be willing to do with you now, even if there’s some things they can’t do. So it gets you starting to, yes, I would let you hold me. Yes. I would let you rub my feet. Yes. I would go in the hot tub with you. Yes. I would have a backrub. Yes, I’d be willing to try mutual masturbation. Yes. I’d be willing to try getting a Yoni massage. No, I would not be willing to try oral. No, I would not be willing to try intercourse, whatever. I’m just saying, you know, okay, all right. We won’t ever, or we won’t have intercourse. Those are your boundaries. Let’s start with the things we can do. Let’s get some stuff back on the table. Because pretty soon, once you get her pump primed again with everything I’ve been telling you, you’re doing the touching, you’re making the offers, you’re doing the embrace.

Susan (00:36:32):
You’re not afraid to touch her anymore. You’re not afraid to have pleasure together. Once you start having pleasure together, it escalates. Mm-hmm. So that’s, and, and you can fix the problems you have. And maybe there, maybe you’ll never be able to do certain things. That doesn’t mean you should never touch again. You should never have pleasure again. You should never have orgasms. There’s so many ways to have orgasmic pleasure together. You don’t need it to be one path or another. It’s a fault tolerant, massively redundant system. Our bodies and pleasure. And I do keep saying orgasm because that’s another misconception is that a lot of people think, well, this is the way I come and now I can’t do it that way. So I guess I’m not never gonna have an orgasm again. Mm-hmm. It’s like, no, there are 20 kinds of orgasms your body can have. Number 20 is wild card. There’s so many ways to have incredible pleasure. And the orgasms are the juice for your health. Mm-hmm <affirmative>. All the loving and all the touching in the world is not gonna get you the 10 years longer, the 10 years healthier, the 10 years happier. You need to come. <Laugh>.

Susan (00:37:49):
Don’t be afraid to have orgasms and to learn new pathways. The way that it works is you start out with tissue that might be numb or feel ashamed or feel painful. When you bring it loving, consistent touch, it begins to develop new neural pathways from your erogenous zones to your biggest sex organ. Your brain. And then your brain’s like, oh, I actually like being touched there now. Oh, now that’s feel really good. Mm-hmm. Oh, wow. This is the third time you’ve touched me there. And I just think I had like a little beginning of an orgasm from that. So what you’re doing is it’s mind-body connection. People who work out really get this because we’re used to mind muscle management. We’re used to thinking about how we move our bodies and access specific locations in our body. So I, this is why I love to work with people who are healthy and move their bodies and are embodied because they are the best comers.

Susan (00:38:54):
They know how to make their bodies do things. They just feel like, oh, I can learn that. I can learn these things. So you start to do all those things. So that’s one aspect that’s for your couples where, you know, they’re, everything’s gone. Something happened, they can’t talk about it, but one of them is willing to try to get the other one too. And sometimes what I say to them is, just give your partner the PDF, The amgic, print it out and give them The Magic Pill Method and say, I’d like you to read through this. This seems like something we could actually manage to do together. Hmm. Would you be willing to try to do this exercise with me? Hmm. And it’s a thing you break up over a series of times. So you’re not trying to do it all at once.

Susan (00:39:35):
So you have times to, to like rest and digest from the experience and think about things, which is really, men need a lot of that. You need to chew on things for a while. You need to ruminate to access what you wanna do and what you need. So that’s really helpful. But then there’s the other couples who are just more like, we didn’t realize, we didn’t know what we didn’t know. We’ve been the blind leading the blind behind those closed doors. We are bored. The biggest issue for us is that it’s like, oh God, all right, I gotta fuck him again. <laugh>

Susan (00:40:13):
Big issue. And that is very, and and so what are you gonna do about that? Make it more fun. Be more fun to have sex with. So how do you make it more fun? Erotic play dates? You don’t, you don’t have sex. You have a date to do something new you’ve never done together. We’re back to the neural pathways. We’re back to variety. We’re back to novelty. And for couples that can talk about their sex life the offering I have in that category is my sex life bucket list. So when you begin to realize, oh, okay, we have a different arousal. We need more touching. I need to hold her. She needs time to calm down so her arousal can build. And I need to put more time into giving her a lot of good orgasms before I penetrate her. How am I gonna do that?

Susan (00:41:11):
How are we gonna do that together? Go to sex life bucket list.com. Yo-=———————-u get a downloadable PDF that has 48 different erotic play dates on it. Mm-hmm. And I created a video. It’s free. I created a video where you just crack open your laptop or watch it on your phone. Do it in bed together. Get a, you know, an album cover or a notepad or whatever you do. Right. I’m from the, I’m from the sixties. We, I don’t, I don’t even have an album cover around here anymore. I book and put your little spreadsheet on there, your little, your little list there. And watch my video together. Pause it as much as you want and talk about the things I’m saying. I walk you through the 48 erotic play dates. You mark them an A, a B, or a C, and so does your partner A, B, or C.

Susan (00:42:02):
You don’t share your stuff in the beginning. The very first thing that you do is you say, what I want this on my sex life bucket list. That’s an A. Okay, this is a B for me. I wouldn’t put this on my list, but if you wanna do it B.rad, I’m doing it with you. Right. So that’s the Bs B for B rad. And Cs are, it’s not for me right now. Nothing on that erotic play date list is gonna be like, oh, gross. God, I can’t believe she included that. There’s nothing yucky in there. It’s all sweet, loving, sexy, sassy, fun. But it’s gonna stretch you. It’s gonna get you doing things you’ve not done before. There’s a few on there, you reckon, oh God, remember we used to do that. We don’t do that anymore. Let’s do that again. And there’s others where you’re like, we talked about doing that, but we never did it.

Susan (00:42:48):
Because couples tend to get in a groove and that’s safe. But that’s the thing. If you want more desire, the trust and the safety have to be balanced by novelty and variety or it’s boring. So the sex life bucket list gives you some ideas and then you can start planning, oh, I wanna learn how to give you a Yoni massage with, you know, Susan’s favorite tool, the Queen. I’m gonna get this tool and I want you just to lie there. I’m gonna tell you some stories and tell you how sexy you are, and I’m just gonna give you this Yoni massage and I’m gonna rub this vibrator on you, and it’s gonna get all that tissue. It’s gonna give you your lady boner. And then, you know, maybe we can try something else from there. That’s the kind of thing that really makes a difference.

Susan (00:43:48):
Couples need something to work with. If you knew what you were doing, you’d be having hot sex <laugh>. So being willing to begin as beginners and try new things together. Get you on a level playing field. Nobody has the upper hand. There’s no expectations. You get to make mistakes together. You get to have laughs together and you get to get that new relationship energy going. You feel like teenagers again together, that will reinvigorate your sex life. And it’s so much fun to see what’s on your partner’s bucket list. So when you merge your list, then you know the kinds of things you wanna do.

Brad (00:44:32):
Yeah. You used that word integrity, had a seducer with integrity. When you, when you start talking down this, down this thread. Yeah. And it, it seems like, um, you’re, you’re engaging in all these, um, behaviors and offerings from a place where you really care about your partner and you want her or him to feel good without making it an exchange or a transaction. And having that pressure that’s behind that, which possibly is a reason why things kind of crumble and fall apart. Maybe you’re not getting enough respect in general everyday life. And then you’re expected to give it up, as they say. And it’s no longer like this win-win transaction. It’s more feeling like people are being taken advantage of in general life. And then, uh, yeah. You, you could see how the, the distance builds and then all of a sudden you need, you need that second bedroom teed up for <laugh> for, for nighttime.

Susan (00:45:34):
Yeah. Um, I like seduction with integrity and giving without expecting to get. One of the things that I have with Tim, my husband of 33 years, and our sex life’s better than it’s ever been. It keeps getting better. We’re very good together. I love having sex with him. But we run into those same things where we get busier. We just, we just like crash at eight o’clock and have dinner and watch a show and go to bed at 9:30. <laugh>. I mean, I love it. Love to go to bed at 9:30 these days. Oh my God. Oh yeah. Because I get up so early. So, um,

Brad (00:46:07):
I get up late and I still love to go to bed at 9:30.

Susan (00:46:10):
<laugh>. Yeah. I mean, you know, 33 years in, you gotta, you gotta work at it. But one of the things that really helps us is that I get on unlimited yoni massages with no expectation for more. And that has been a real Rosetta stone for us where I can ask for, uh, I basically have on-demand Yoni massages. So whenever I am willing to lie down in my bed and butterfly, my legs open, he is willing to get there with me and give me a yoni massage. And what I like about that is that’s my on-ramp to my turn on. We chat, we talk, then I start getting turned on, then I kind of go quiet, and then I almost go like almost limp. And then I start moving a little. And then sometimes I have to like really move a lot and kind of all my, the prolactins kind of coming in and then stretching and you know, letting down and relaxing.

Susan (00:46:59):
And then he knows we’re making some progress. And he’s so patient. I never feel pressured to do anything, have any response. Like, if I literally am just lying there, like, I’m dead sometimes, Brad, but he knows I’m not dead, he can tell it’s pleasurable. Mm-hmm. And he knows all the little spots I like now and exactly what I want. And I just love getting Yoni massages from him, because that’s often what it’ll take for me to go, oh yeah, I do like you. Ooh, IDI actually are Oh, Iger baby. I, maybe I just wanna jump on top of you right now. And that’s another thing I learned over the last, I was like 60, 59 or 60 when I started really practicing cowgirl. And I have become such a cowgirl lover. First of all, I got some serious muscle mass in my quads. So like, I am strong in the bedroom now, stronger than I’ve ever been in my whole life.

Susan (00:48:02):
Even in my twenties, way stronger. Way more able to do different sex positions and all kinds of stuff just ’cause I’m late to bodybuilding. But now this is what I love. And strength training, really not bodybuilding. I’m not a bodybuilder. I’m mm-hmm. You know, shredded or anything. I got a little, I got a little nice pad of fat on my belly on top of all that, all that core strength. And I don’t care. It makes me happy. I’m good. And that’s another nice thing when you get older, you can kind of, if you’re, if you work out and you, you have comp body confidence and strength and things like that, you’re not so hung up on if your boobs are saggy or you’ve got UL letter or whatever. Like, my body is such a temple of pleasure that if it has a little few wrinkles in it, I don’t care.

Susan (00:48:48):
My God, I’m so far ahead of 99% of the universe with all the hot sex I have that it doesn’t matter what I look like. I’m good. So I do like that a lot. And the cowgirl husband fantastic for me because instead of him having to do all the work to, um, make it great for me, I just use him for my pleasure, <laugh>. And he really enjoys that. And I love to tell him dirty stories while I’m riding him, because he’s very auditory during love making. He likes to hear moaning and things like that. And I sometimes just enjoy taking control and running the game. And that took me decades of confidence building and getting comfortable with sex and learning and trying things and experimenting together where I am just as comfortable as at leading and asking and saying what I want and saying what I need as he is.

Susan (00:49:51):
And so we just have this wonderful free flow and we’re all, we’re both full of ideas. And so we never know when we hit the bed what’s gonna happen. But it’s almost always gonna start with a Yoni massage. Every once in a while I say, babe, I just, I’m not gonna get there. I need to roll over. Can you just tuck me in? And, and I like him to pull the covers all the way up over my shoulder. I like to start my little sleep on my belly. A lot of times I’ll wash my face, brush my teeth, everything before we get started, because sometimes all I wanna do is just get my husband to tuck me in and I just drift off to sleep. And he does not mind that at all. Because the more Yoni massages I have, the more chances are that I get turned on.

Susan (00:50:36):
And it’s back to team sweetie. I can’t control the animal body I live in. All I can do it is get, is give it the inputs that put me on a path to success to have a chance of success, which is I wanna have lots of sex. I have good intentions, I like it, but it takes me a while to get there. And it’s not me. It’s that I am the female homo sapien of the species. And this is how we are wired. And so if more couples knew these things, it’s all learned. We have different arousal patterns. She needs the safety, but she also needs the variety, how to touch her without, you know, make her these offers. You’ll net so much more orgasmic intimacy by doing that.

Susan (00:51:19):
And then I’m just gonna drop one last thing, and that is that orgasmic intercourse is a learned skill. And I have written a dozen techniques that most people have never seen on porn, they’ve never seen in a movie. No one’s ever explained it to them. They’ve never heard of it. I doubt that if you went and it’s at orgasmic intercourse.com, so if she’s not having orgasms from intercourse, don’t keep having intercourse with her without trying these. She deserves to have as she, she deserves to orgasm the whole time you’re penetrating her. And if, if she’s working hard to get to one, you’re not there yet and you need to stroke her vagina with your penis, the way the vagina wants to be stroked, which is again, not depicted in our culture. Mm. And so heart tongue method, gdo, the feline grind, the pivot method, the thrust in time, I’ve got all these techniques. You could just literally start there and try one of those things every time you make love and you’ll start activating that tissue, getting those neural pathways. She’ll be asking you for intercourse.

Brad (00:52:29):
We can learn more at felinegrind.com. Oh no. That

Susan (00:52:33):
One yet,

Brad (00:52:34):
The queen of you else. Not really.

Susan (00:52:35):
There is no feline grind.com

Brad (00:52:37):
<laugh>. She has to run and get that before the show publishes <laugh>. Oh my gosh. I love that. I mean, you must have, what, 50 websites by now or something?

Susan (00:52:45):
A hundreds.

Brad (00:52:45):
A hundreds,

Susan (00:52:46):
Yeah, hundreds. I’ve been doing this for decades. Yeah. And I’m prolific because I like to write sex techniques. I like to teach people the step by steps. I mean, my God, we get that for exercise. We get like Yeah. Your exact perfect form for the ultimate mm-hmm <affirmative>. Deadlift. Yeah. Why shouldn’t we have your exact perfect form for the ultimate orgasmic intercourse? That’s what I do.

Brad (00:53:07):
Yeah. Keep it coming. I mean, come on.

Susan (00:53:09):
Oh, I do baby. I do. Yeah.

Brad (00:53:11):
<laugh>, uh, you mentioned ED and the techniques that we’ve, we’ve talked about and I’ve talked about Gaines wave on, on the show, and, um, talked to Judson Brandeis, your, um, your compadre in theologist Yeah. In the, uh, sexual wellness world. Now is there a huge percentage where it’s psychological and there’s nothing wrong with the plumbing?

Susan (00:53:34):
No.

Brad (00:53:34):
Oh,

Susan (00:53:35):
Mm-hmm.

Brad (00:53:36):
Oh, so, uh, where, where do we stand with, uh, like

Susan (00:53:39):
80 20? So

Brad (00:53:40):
It’s 80, 80, 80%,

Susan (00:53:42):
80% physical, 20% mental. Oh, I didn’t realize. Yeah. I didn’t realize mental is more often performance anxiety, which, which people call premature. Mm-hmm <affirmative>. Not having enough stamina coming too fast, coming before she wants you to basically mm-hmm. <laugh>.

Brad (00:53:56):
So the, the 80% physical is poor vascular health, poor circulation. And as Dr. Brandeis mentioned, it’s a 10 year red flag for poor heart health and Yeah. Poor circulation in the heart. So, wow. I didn’t, I didn’t realize that that’s, that’s, that’s pretty disturbing because that’s all related to adverse lifestyle practices.

Susan (00:54:16):
Yeah. Well, but that, but the good news is you can turn it around. Sure. It’s fixable.

Brad (00:54:21):
Yeah, yeah. Day by day. Yeah. Well, that was a boatload of great advice. I just,

Susan (00:54:29):
Did you get what you needed?

Brad (00:54:31):
Yeah. I think, you know, stepping back, and I think the listeners might agree. Just expressing the interest to open up the workbook and, and score your ABCs and so forth, is such a beautiful, uh, thumbs up in favor of the couple and your hashtag working on everything as a team. So the couple sex life is a team issue rather than, oh, one person wants it more than the other. Let’s talk to our therapist about that. That seems like how we’re commonly addressing these issues. And it seems so ridiculous, especially looking from the outside at whatever I’m listening to someone complaining about their relationship intimacy. And it’s like, well, you know, um, if you’re not touching much in real life and you’re annoyed 17 times a day, of course it’s gonna lead to trouble at the ultimate expression of relationship harmony, which you could say is the intimacy. Mm-hmm <affirmative>.

Susan (00:55:28):
Yeah. Yeah. And there’s so much more to learn. I’ve given you easy starter steps, but becoming incredible lovers together is a real joy.

Brad (00:55:41):
The first one, your first advice, which is commit to nurturing a sex life is, yeah. Is beautiful advice. I’m, I’m even wondering like, could you even hack all this stuff and just agree to start having sex again, then unwind from there, like from, from, uh, the other direction rather than build up, build up. You know,

Susan (00:56:05):
You can do both. Yeah. You can agree to try, but the problem is that what got you into this in the first place was sex that wasn’t satisfying. Right. To one of you. Right. So just starting there again, it’s, I think it’s better to do what I said. Yeah. Yeah. Work your way from the bottom up rather than try and just go back to what you were doing, you know, expecting the same, hoping for different results.

Brad (00:56:26):
Right. Especially if it’s, as you describe, uh, the, the male wants sex more than the female, that’s a clear indication that you need to take the pressure off and, and start going from the position of integrity rather than conquest or whatever the opposite would be.

Susan (00:56:43):
Yeah. Or mercy sex. Just being willing to take mercy sex, which a lot of guys do. Mm. And a lot of women give men, I did it for 10 years with my husband and that’s what almost ruined our marriage. And we were like, we gotta fix this. And we thought it was me. We thought there was something wrong with me. Well, she, she can’t have orgasms from intercourse, but we’re still gonna do it. Well, that didn’t work out so well. So, but we got through it by learning what to do and learning how to talk to each other about it. And Yoni massages,

Brad (00:57:12):
<laugh>

Susan (00:57:13):
Unlimited Yoni massages. Yoni massages is on demand.

Brad (00:57:16):
Oh my gosh. If, if you can get there, what else can you, what else can you ask for? Yeah. Um, and if you’re not watching on video, Susan is holding up a toy occasionally. If you are watching a video, you’ll see that as is that your favorite? Is that the one you were describing?

Susan (00:57:32):
I have two I recommend for Yoni massages. I always think it’s better to use tools. There’s, if there’s a tool for it, use it. Right? Like, I’m not trying to screw a screw in with my fingernail. I’m using a screwdriver. Right. And I honestly joke, Brad, that if Makita made vulva massagers, more guys would buy them. Right.

Brad (00:57:52):
<laugh> with like the colorings of the, you know, the, the manly colorings on the, on the box that it comes in. Yeah. Hilarious.

Susan (00:58:00):
<laugh> Red and black. Yeah. By Makita. But these two are my favorite tools right now. You might be interested in getting one and trying it out for yourself. This one on the left that I’m holding is green, and it’s called the Queen. And it uses a technology called pulse plate Technology. These are in the category of vulva massagers. Now they massage the clitoris too, of course. But they, they massage all that tissue around the vaginal opening, the labia, the, you know, the mons, the clitoral hood, the clitoral shaft, the clitoral tip, the vestibule, the perine, all that, because all her erectile tissues under there. Hmm. And so this pulse plate technology stimulates and penetrates through the skin into the tissue to generate the blood flow, to plump it up, to create the surface area that sends all those signals of pleasure to the brain.

Susan (00:58:55):
That’s her lady boner. Or this gets her lady going. And, I really like this. It has different, different modes and different, you know, um, patterns and things like that. But what I, this one is also good for people who are either auditorily sensitive, like hypersensitive people, or people who their kids are in the house and they don’t want them to hear any noise. They live in community or she’s very sensitive to vibration and wants something not quite as strong. And when you turn this on, it literally makes no noise and it still works. And so, and they’re both wonderful. Some days I want, and I have it on now, I cannot hear it.

Brad (00:59:49):
I’m it in my hand. Can’t holding this smaller black device, she was holding up the big green queen. Mm-hmm <affirmative>. And now there’s various options. We’ll get some of that in the show notes. And

Susan (01:00:00):
I literally have this on full blast and I cannot hear it. So it’s, and it’s, it’s giving me plenty of vibration, <laugh>. So, if you go to drive desire.com, they’re on that page. I try to always have links to everything I talk about and try to keep them up because the tools, frankly, the tools change a lot that I recommend. ’cause things keep, sex tech keeps getting better and better and better very quickly. I was just down in LA moderating a panel on sex tech that was fascinating. So I am very up to speed on tools. And this would be the place that I would start because it’s just nice to have a little help with the process. And they feel wonderful. And you’ll give her a bunch of orgasms right off the bat, and that’ll be nice for her too. And the more she has, the more she’ll continue to have. That’s how orgasms work. There’s, it’s not a one and done. We’re not like men with our ejaculatory response. We are massively multi-orgasmic. So are men. You guys just like to have your orgasm with your, but you could have lots of different kinds of orgasms. You can have male multiple orgasms, energy orgasms, PeaPot, orgasms, all kinds of things. You know, we are, we, we are so incredibly orgasmic as a species, it’s unbelievable. But, I really do love those yoni massage tools.

Brad (01:01:28):
Okay. Listeners, if I’m sure you have your latest iPhone and your important technical innovations, uh, here and there. So go and go and shop. Let’s get, let’s get on the cutting edge and stay there. <laugh>, Susan Bratton, another great show. Thank you so much. And you gave out all the great URLs to go download. It is really amazing the the amount of free content that you give away, and you just download these fantastic PDFs, really well done with, with great information. So I really encourage all the listeners to, to connect and join your community and, and learn more and enjoy more.

Susan (01:02:01):
Yeah, you can tell this, this is my passion. I do it for the passion. It’s, it’s really fun. So it’s always my pleasure to give people what they need because there’s always more. That’s the thing about sex. There’s always more,

Brad (01:02:11):
More, more, more. Susan Bratton, everyone. That’s a wrap. Thank you so much for listening to the B RAD podcast. We appreciate all feedback and suggestions. Email, podcast@bradventures.com and visit brad kerns.com to download five free eBooks and learn some great long cuts to a longer life. How to optimize testosterone naturally, become a dark chocolate connoisseur and transition to a barefoot and minimalist shoe lifestyle.