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TRANSCRIPT:

Brad (00:00):
Welcome to the B.rad podcast, where we explore ways to pursue peak performance with passion throughout life without taking ourselves too seriously. I’m Brad Kearns, New York Times bestselling author, former number three world ranked professional triathlete and Guinness World Record Masters athlete. I connect with experts in diet, fitness, and personal growth, and deliver short breather shows where you get simple actionable tips to improve your life right away. Let’s explore beyond the hype hacks, shortcuts, and science talk to laugh, have fun and appreciate the journey. It’s time to B.rad.

Brad (00:38):
Do you wanna mature, authentic, dynamic, adult relationship with conflict, frank, discussion, negotiation, compromise and resolution, or

Brad (00:46):
Welcome to the next edition in the long series of Brad’s favorite podcast, insights highlights from my past shows. We’ve covered these in different categories. And now with the fourth recording here, uh, the category is relationship tips and insights from numerous experts. I’m gonna jump right in, but also reminding you that in previous highlights shows I’ve talked about diet tips, exercise, fitness tips relationship tips and insights exclusively from John Gray. And now I wanna bring in a few more of my favorite shows from the past, uh, starting with my friend Wendy Walsh. And boy did she hit us with some exciting tidbits and, uh, really quick takeaways based on her long body of research and work in the evolutionary psychology field. And here is what she conveyed from extensive research that are the top three qualities that males are looking for in a potential female partner, as well as the top three qualities that females are looking for in males.

Brad (01:57):
And before she dispenses the, the list here, we have to understand that this is based on our deep seated biological wiring. So even though the research from the dating apps has different answers in the highest ranking categories, this is what we truly look for as our priorities, uh, based on our biological wiring. So if you look at the research from the dating apps the number one attribute is something like a sense of humor, number one, but it’s not really true deep down. And that what, that’s what Wendy was cutting to when she shared this anecdote. It’s pretty interesting to learn why these are our top three. So when it comes to the female, the first attribute, number one attribute she’s looking for is resources. Number two, intelligence. And number three, kindness. Why is the female looking for resources first and then intelligence?

Brad (03:04):
It’s because her deepest biological drive, her wiring, is her tendency to want to be nurtured, cared for, and protected. So a male with resources, answers to those deep biological drives. Even though today’s modern female is independent has good career prospects, maybe even makes, uh, more income than the people that she’s dating. But she cannot escape this biological wiring and this compulsion, this drawn to someone with resources. Pretty fascinating. Secondly, intelligence, because intelligence represents the ability to acquire more resources if one loses those resources. And then finally, kindness. Something that we’re all looking for deep down in our deepest biological wiring in a relationship. Now, let’s jump over to the male side. The number one attribute, males I’m looking for are youth and beauty. Second, loyalty and third kindness <laugh>. So youth and beauty, because our deepest biological drive is drive is to reproduce.

Brad (04:16):
And, youth and beauty represents fertility. And so that’s what we are drawn to deep down, even if we claim that we want someone who is of a similar age group. So we can have the same cultural reference point and connect on an intellectual level and talk through the great memories of the, the best songs of the seventies and eighties and all these things that a, uh, younger potential mate might go. Like, who’s ELO? Never heard of them. Horrors, you’ve never heard of ELO? Okay. So youth and beauty is number one. Loyalty is number two, because again, our deepest biological drive to reproduce and propagate our genes to the next generation. In the primal context, we can’t be sure who the daddy is when the female births the child, right? So we need a female who’s loyal rather than someone who is sleeping around, and then we are obligated to care for someone else’s child.

Brad (05:16):
Yeah, it’s pretty, pretty heavy, and it’s pretty raw when we go back to these, this primal wiring that we have and how it permeates into our choices. But anyone who’s been frustrated or confused or perplexed as to why they keep choosing a certain type of mate, and it doesn’t work out because they’re going for the guy in the Ferrari because he has the resources. And deep down, that’s our primary biological drive, even though we have a Ferrari of our own. Now we can understand with clarity when Wendy spouts these top three on both sides of the coin. Some more tidbits that she offered about relationship tips is the importance of being authentic but not boundaryless. Does that make sense? We wanna be open and honest and vulnerable in sharing our feelings. But to echo some of John Gray’s advice as well, you don’t just want to, for example, sit down on the first date and spew your life story without any filter, because we’re trying to connect and we’re trying to build respect and trust in all those things.

Brad (06:25):
And so, and boundaries are important. So, here are some, uh, suggestions for important or valuable conversation topics on the first date or in early dating. Number one, you can talk about your accomplishments and things that you’re most proud of. And this has a strong impact on forming a good connection. You can also try to interview your date and ask them numerous questions like you’re interviewing them for a job and getting to know them. So, people love to be heard and validated in general. That’s the essence of communication. So being a good interviewer and sitting back and listening is a great relationship attribute, not only on the first date, but on the 31st and the hundred and first. Okay? So, interviewing the date stating your relationship goals and also stating your boundaries. <laugh>, by the way, I just want you to know, I don’t believe in sleeping together until the 12th date. Oh, thank you very much. I’m more like the second or third. So let’s see what we can do about discussing this further, right? So you state your boundaries, you state your relationship goals. Good stuff from Wendy Walsh that I just pulled out of the many, many topics we covered. I think she was on the podcast three times.

Brad (07:44):
Jillian Turecki. Love her show titled Jillian On Love. And listening to a lot of her content, I was compelled to reach out and say, Hey, I want to interview you for the B.rad podcast. She kindly made a spot in her busy schedule, so please go listen to her show. She does a lot of great direct in your face advice and tips and setting you straight. So she’s a real straight shooter and cuts right to the chase where you can take these actionable items that she communicates and improve your relationship dynamics, and especially improve your ability to navigate the dating scene and make good choices and have a healthy perspective.

Brad (08:24):
What she talks about in that context of, you know, going out and choosing a partner is we really like satisfying our brains. And so we are, we tend to analyze potential mates on paper, and this could be considered a mistake or at least a overly narrow approach because people who look good on paper might not be a good match. I have friends who are wishing to date exclusively in the category of a fellow Ivy League graduate because of what that all represents, where someone has a high emphasis on academics, they excel, and that’s a nice filter. But you might be missing out on someone who perhaps is not an Ivy League graduate, but still has the same interest and values and could be a good potential, mate. Just a example there. Or a lot of times we try to filter or scrutinize our prospects through lenses.

Brad (09:21):
Like, well, they really have to be into fitness like I am. And, they also like to need to go and do birdwatching on the weekends ’cause that’s my main hobby. Well, not really. Maybe you can do birdwatching with the members of your birdwatching club and have your partner and your mate reserved for other things that might still create a lot of value and form a good relationship. They don’t have to be clones, and they don’t have to be ideal on paper. Instead, we want to ask some different questions because when we analyze on paper, we end up asking the wrong questions according to Jillian. Instead, we want a partner who gets, quote, gets you, accepts you, is kind, communicates well and is committed. Hey, that’s not much to argue with there, huh? Do you want someone that gets you, accepts you, is kind, communicates well and is committed?

Brad (10:19):
Or do you want someone with all the attributes on paper? Even ones that are seemingly important to form a good connection? Like he’s got a couple kids just like me. And so, uh, we can match up on that level where we know what it’s like to be a single parent and, and juggle that. Uh, there might be some value and some attributes there, but you don’t want to discount anyone just because they don’t match up on paper with what you think is important. And instead ask those questions. Same with the ones I mentioned, uh, with Wendy’s suggestions for the first date. What are your relationship goals? What are your dreams? What’s your vision for the future? All that fun stuff.

Brad (10:59):
Furthermore, back to Jillian’s advice, we’re pretty much drugged on chemicals for the first two years of a relationship. And by definition, we make bad decisions. What we end up doing when we’re drugged on those love chemicals from that exciting and great intimacy in the early years of a relationship is we tend to downplay the negatives and the red flags, remember that our deep biological drive is to mate and reproduce. Not that we’re interested in starting a family right away. We might be using birth control every time, but we’re still drawn on a biological level, on the deepest biological level to pair up and reproduce. And that’s why those chemicals are there to drug us, to make sure that we reproduce rather than being too picky. Those listeners, viewers who are familiar with the fantastic movie, Idiocracy, that’s now over 20 years old, I believe, but it was predicting a future where, um, the, the people with the highest intellect were had enough scrutiny and patience and restraint to delay starting families and have smaller families for all the main reasons that we, uh, tout today.

Brad (12:16):
That, you know, you can be a better parent if you’re raising two kids rather than seven and all that fun stuff. But meanwhile, um, those in the, uh, lower socioeconomic status that didn’t have the same, uh, pedigrees we’re reproducing at a greater rate. And so the, the movie starts out with the world being taken over by people, um, with lower IQs. And 500 years later, um, because of all that, you know, exponential increase in the population the world was run by idiots, <laugh>, so many parallels to modern life and things that they, uh, they spoof in the movie, but are actually coming true right in front of our face here today, only 20 years later, not 500 years later, but a brilliant, hilarious movie, Idiocracy. And why did that come up? Uh, because, um, if we get too stuck on rationality and sensibility, um, we’re not gonna have we’re not gonna have, uh, partners forget about, uh, reproducing, okay?

Brad (13:15):
So that chemical drugging of the person in love is for an evolutionary purpose, and it enables us to pair up and mate and downplay negatives and red flags. So, because we’re in sophisticated modern society and we wanna live the best life we possibly can, it is our obligation while drugged and having that tendency to make bad decisions, to wake up and notice those red flags, perhaps discuss those red flags with your friends and supporters and people in your corner. And, when they see that every time they meet your partner, uh, the partner tends to get drunk. They might, uh, gently take you aside and say, uh, I think your partner has a problem with substance abuse. Have you thought about that? Oh, he is the life of the party every time we go out. Ha uh, alright. So don’t downplay those red flags and negatives. Be aware of them. And, and think about it, even when you’re drugged for the first two years.

Brad (14:09):
More from Jillian, what you want to master in a winning relationship is being friends and having that togetherness having that sex and sweatpants dynamics. And what she means by that is to be very comfortable around each other and not have to, you know, put up a put on an act every single time you meet and go out or, or, or hang out, but instead, be yourself. Be comfortable in sweatpants, but also maintain that relationship excitement. There’s the term “polarity “that Esther Perel uses where, um, you want to have a little bit of relationship tension and time apart, pursuing separate endeavors and then, then coming back and keeping that chemical spark going so that you maintain a healthy, exciting sex life rather than go overboard into the sweatpants category where you’re just laying around too lazy to get up and fix a drink for your partner because you’re too tired. Also, you know what I’m talking about, where you just kind of lower your lower your guard so much in comparison to that first date when everybody was on their best behavior. And now you’re just roommates, as a lot of therapists describe rather than exciting romantic partners for years and years. So there’s that important concept of polarity.

Brad (15:31):
Jillian mentioned in one of her shows, or the one interview that I did with her seven things that destroy physical attraction in relationships. And number one was stress. General levels of life, stress perhaps from, uh, each partner individually as well as just stress and tension on the relationship. For example, uh, the outside influences of, we always blaming the in-laws or someone’s best friend who doesn’t like you. And all those things that can come in and permeate the relationship and, and bring stress to the relationship, including, or in addition to your own stress in your own job, your own career with your own family members, whatever it is.

Brad (16:18):
Uh, she also said that number two, on the list of seven things that destroy attraction is stress <laugh>. So we have, number one is stress. Number two is stress. And this is kind of humorous that going back in my notes, I didn’t even bother writing numbers three through seven, and I think that was the whole point of, uh, when she was talking about it with number one being stress, and number two being stress after that. I mean, you gotta handle that matter before you even get into the nitty gritty details of what’s 3, 4, 5, 6, and seven. Some final tips from Jillian before I go on to my next favorite expert, uh, Mia Moore, and the highlights from our two shows together. Jillian says, master your inner voice and you master your life. Wow, how about that? For a heavy one, master your inner voice and you master your life.

Brad (17:09):
To me that means I think there’s a another level besides mastering your emotions and your communication with others. So as John Gray instructs me looking right through the camera at each of our four interviews, and he says, you gotta remain cool, calm, and collected at all times to be the ultimate male in your relationship. That’s what your female partner most desperately needs. And I try to take that advice and adhere to it every day, but maybe my inner voice sometimes isn’t calm, cool and collected when I’m engaging with an idiot in culture or in the economy and in a business, uh, transaction or whatever. And I’m starting to get lit up inside and feeling really frustrated, but I’m still may able to maintain my outside composure. That’s great that I’m maintaining my outside composure, but when that inner voice is going off and getting me lit up and triggering me, it’s almost as destructive and troubling as when, uh, you’re acting like a loose cannon and you’re yelling and snapping at everyone in your world because you’re having a bad day.

Brad (18:13):
You get what I’m saying here. This is just my own personal insight that, uh, mastering your outer, uh, presence to the world and being able to hold your tongue and keep your cool even when you’re triggered is great. But also that those internal triggers and that inner voice is something that I’m working hard on to master that and be able to remain calm inside and process whatever stressful situation I’m in without eating me up inside is another level of sophistication. And of course, that’s gonna be a great relationship attribute also, because when you get triggered repeatedly and you don’t speak up and you just withhold your communication, your emotions, whatever, uh, this can build into resentment and distance created in the relationship. Second, another tidbit from Julian. The more autonomous we become, the better our self-esteem. So the opposite would be codependency in relationship, right?

Brad (19:11):
Where, um, your self-esteem requires relationship harmony, and so you’re hanging on the other person’s words and you’re very sensitive, and they haven’t texted you in 12 minutes. So you get stressed out and upset about it rather than building, for example, a community of friends and interests and hobbies independent from your partner. And then looking to the relationship to become 20% happier, as John Gray says, rather than wishing and feeling lonely and needing a relationship in effort to be happy, period. So get yourself happy first, and then look to the relationship to make yourself happier. Finally, Jillian’s last comment. Lead your communication, lead with honesty, vulnerability, and love.

Brad (19:58):
Next, Mia Moore observed that we see so much struggle, stress, and dysfunction in love relationships, that we become socialized to believe that relationships are mainly about hard work. We both strongly agreed on this insight before we decided to, uh, record it and, and discuss it together.

Brad (20:21):
And that is, I think, um, something that’s kind of stepping out of the bounds of what is widely communicated, going hand in hand with relationships, that it’s, it’s really, uh, about a lot of hard work. And we, we kind of challenge that notion and propose that, hey, because life is about hard work and tension and stress and conflict and difficulty, um, shouldn’t the relationship be, uh, have a foundation of being easy breezy and smooth and comfortable and not necessarily about busting your butt every day to make a relationship work. It’s just kind of a little different look at it. And I love that perspective, that I want my relationship to be a safe haven away from all the hard work and discipline and controlling my emotions that I’m required to do, to navigate through, uh, daily life. Okay, um, Mia discusses how, uh, life experience, including both positive and negative aspects of past relationships can frame one’s perspective and personal growth for future relationships.

Brad (21:27):
And we were talking about that in the context of both this being a, um, a newer relationship and a second marriage for both of us here later in life in our fifties and into our sixties. Uh, that’s great, and I think I’m a better partner than I was when I was a younger person due to that life experience. But of course, whether it’s the same partner or whether you’re on your fifth marriage or your seventh girlfriend in the last seven years, um, you can use these, uh, these experiences to become a better person and be wiser and, uh, more resilient and all these things that maybe, uh, you had to grow through, in earlier relationships. So whether it’s the same person and you’re going on your 30th wedding anniversary, or your 50th or your 20th, or it’s your seventh girlfriend in seven years, uh, that’s all good, because the whole point I think of growing older, besides the negative stuff, the good stuff is that you get wiser and you have a nice expanded perspective from life experience.

Brad (22:27):
So you sure as hell better put to work all the positive and negative aspects of past relationships to make your relationship the best it can be today. Heavy. A good comment from Mia Moore that she said on the recording, and boy, I I think about it a lot. She said, those who complain and whine about their relationship imperfections might wanna try showing up at the Friday night singles meeting and checking in at the front desk, at the gathering spot. And, the person with the clipboard, the volunteer there is, uh, getting your name and you’re checking in and you’re putting yourself out there, uh, in the interest of finding a partner. And boy, that is, uh, compare and contrast to these little nitpicks and relationship dysfunction that we see in long-term partnerships. Maybe if you head out there to a singles night one night, you’ll possibly gain a fresh perspective and more gratitude for the love relationship that you are immersed in.

Brad (23:32):
I appreciate that point very much. You know, it’s really easy to nitpick and whine and complain your way through life and fail to see all the, uh, the tremendous benefit that you have from being in a partnership and striving to make it the best it can be, rather than whining and complaining. One of the mistakes that can put some relationship tension into the mix that Mia sees a lot is, uh, the big mistake that parents, uh, do in putting kids before the priorities of nurturing and loving relationship. And here we are in the age of the helicopter parent, or it’s now called the lawnmower parent, which is one step worse than the helicopter parent, right? The helicopter parents flying, hovering above the kid, making sure that their life is free from pain and suffering and excess responsibility, right?

Brad (24:24):
The lawnmower parent is right there in front of them mowing a path through the high grass so that the kid can, you know, just skate through life without having to, uh, struggle, suffer or persevere. So with this lawnmower parent trend in culture, this is coming at the expense of a potential in the romantic partnership of the parents. When kids believe that they’re the center of the universe, guess what’s gonna happen? They’re gonna bring an unhealthy perspective to their own future love relationships. If their model is growing up that they’re the center of the universe and seeing their parents kind of put each other, put the relationship on the back burner in favor of the kid that’s gonna, uh, perpetuate. And Mia argues that the, the kid should always see the relationship coming first. So, I’m sorry, little clingy, 5-year-old or 7-year-old.

Brad (25:21):
Tonight is date night and mommy and daddy are going out and you’re staying home with a babysitter. No, no, I wanna go with you. I wanna go to the bowling alley. I want to go to the candy store. <laugh>. That’s the kind of thing. See you later, your little rat. I’ll see you in four hours. You’ll be asleep by then. We’ll see you in the morning. That kind of thing. The kid gets the message that the relationship is very important and couple time and private time and intimacy time. And I know I’ve talked with, uh, my own friends and acquaintances and listeners writing in on these, on these topics. And it seems to be a common trend of the kid having open access to the parent’s bedroom, even into the upper ages. And so when a kid has that free pass to come and crawl into bed and, and snuggle, that could be possibly, a negative aspect of this modern type of, you know, woke parenting where, um, there’s, there’s no strictness and the kid can realize that they’re center of the universe ’cause they can go and just jump in bed with mommy and daddy anytime.

Brad (26:26):
There’s some good insights about younger children where that might be a benefit rather than making the kid cry themselves to sleep in their own room. And I don’t know how I feel about that. I remember, uh, having those struggles when my kids were really young and we were instructed that, uh, you need to teach the kid to go to sleep on time. And so I would have to sit at my son’s door and hold the door handle. We didn’t have a lock, so I’d hold it with my hand and try to pretend that it was immovable. And you’d see this poor little kid, or you, you’d, you’d, you’d feel this poor little kid crying, crying his butt off on the other side of the door trying to open the door. That was rough <laugh>. And it’s like, man, maybe we should have just let the kid come into bed.

Brad (27:06):
He’d fall asleep in 30 minutes. You pick him up, you carry him to, to his bed. What’s the big deal? Anyway, uh, that’s topics for another show. But when you kind of show your kids that they’re the center of the universe, uh, they’re gonna grow up to do the same thing. Ah, now we get to the topic again with Mia Moore about whether we should find a partner who feels like a natural match, or is it the idea that opposites attract and complimentary, uh, attributes and perspective can make for a great relationship? And we kind of thought that finding someone who’s more aligned with attitudes, behaviors, values, disposition and perspective of how to live life is a better idea than this opposites attract concept where people initially are attracted to the complimentary qualities, the ones that you might not have, but that compliment you.

Brad (28:08):
And that feels really good at first, and then it becomes a natural point of tension and contention because someone’s operating, uh, generally in an opposite manner in this context. So it can be really difficult when you go for the opposites attract path and then realize that you’re gonna have to navigate life, uh, and honor your partner who has sort of a, a, a very disparate perspective on the simple basic things of, for example, um, how much you want to pack into a, a, a busy, stressful, hectic day. If, uh, both partners are kind of, uh, a a bit aligned in wanting to, um, uh, uh, bite off as much as you can chew and live life to the fullest and travel a lot and have adventures and have five kids instead of one, and all those kind of things, um, that might be, uh, a little easier to navigate than when there’s a completely desp disparate opinion on such matters.

Brad (29:05):
Mia proposes that we reflect on these things and learn these things, uh, in our younger years and not get married until we’re 30, because when we’re younger than that, we’re still kind of processing these things. And, getting the basic, notion of what it’s like, for example, to be drug by chemicals for the first two years of an exciting relationship, as Jillian Turecki mentioned. Until you kind of figure that out and maybe have gone through a couple of those drugged episodes lasting two years, and then blowing up boy, maybe you would make some regrettable decisions where the first time you were ever drugged by chemicals, you proposed and got married, and then you realize there were 17 red flags that you were systematically ignoring because of the drugging of the excitement of the start of the relationship. So she said, wait till 30.

Brad (29:58):
Good advice. When we get older though, we often get set in our ways, and we have to consider that when we’re looking for a winning partnership and winning relationship dynamics. So I guess what that means is you know, wait until you’ve matured and have some good relationship perspective, but then realize, uh, the longer you go, in your own path without a partner, and then try to bring in a partner at let’s say in the later stages of life, that might be a challenge in and of itself because you are so mature and so, um, so wise and have such perspective about this is the way that life should be led, and this is the way that a home should be kept. You might become a little rigid, of course you are over time. Now there’s some, uh, great takeaway, bullet point tips.

Brad (30:50):
So I’m going to, uh, get through these and then we’re gonna wrap up a fantastic show about relationship tips and insights, um, communication. Say something once and have the expectation that your message will stick. If you don’t, if it’s not sticking, uh, could we consider that there’s some passive aggressive dynamics at play here? Uh, for example, and John Gray used this in his story about his former partner, Bonnie, where she used to nag him all the time about turning off the lights in the home because he, he’d typically forget. And so it could be that if you have to be reminded over and over that you don’t actually care enough to turn off the lights in the home, you don’t want to honor your partner. So if you start with that expectation that, Hey, I’m gonna ask you this once and I’m going to expect that it will stick for the rest of our lives, that is a good thing to strive for and shoot for.

Brad (31:47):
And I appreciate that very much because, Mia Moore asked me something once, like, please make sure that you lock the door at the end of the day, and sometimes I forget. And if I have to be asked five times for that, then I need to have an attitude adjustment to understand that something that’s important to her should be just as important to me, and I need to make it important, even though it’s not part of my natural inclination. Next tip, beware of using Mia Moore’s pet peeve word, which is “whatever,” <laugh> the term, whatever is often used dismissively. Okay, she told me this, uh, probably now our first recording for the show, one of the earliest episodes of the B.rad podcast was back in 2018, so that is almost seven years ago now. And over the past seven years, I’ve probably coughed up the term, “whatever,” let’s say, a handful of times by mistake.

Brad (32:46):
And as soon as I said it, I echoed back to her podcast interview where she said the term, whatever is often used dismissively. And indeed, it was every time it got out of my, out of my throat and passed my teeth <laugh>. So if you say whatever, think about it and realize that you’re being dismissive. It’s not a winning term for a healthy, loving, respectful relationship. Again, along the same lines, beware of using the word “but” in the middle of a sentence because it typically negates what you said before the word, but, and it also serves to keep the person closed off from whatever important thing that you’re trying to say with your sentence. I appreciate you wanting to stop and run some errands before you got home, but you’re making us late again to our engagement. So do you really appreciate that the person stopped and did some important errands on the way home because you said, but, and you’ve just negated that with the second part of the sentence, which is what you really are focused on, is how the person made you late.

Brad (34:05):
So, it’s much better to say, and instead of, but in the middle of a sentence, I appreciate you stopping for errands on your way home. That was really helpful. And I wanna make sure that we remain our commitment to be on time to things. So, next time, can you call me first and I can suggest that we do it tomorrow. Get it? Much better communication there, just by removing the term, but, and replacing it with, and, uh, develop the ability to sit quietly, maintain eye contact. And don’t interrupt, wait for your turn to speak. Oh boy, this is one of my favorites for modern life because I see with the advent of the mobile device, we have, culturally speaking, a much, much shorter attention span than we did in prior years. And I have the good fortune of living, let’s say, around half of my life without any intervention from the mobile device, where all we had was interpersonal live communication until the phone rang, and then we had to go run over and answer the phone and pull the cord as far as it went to <laugh>, get some privacy and close it close the door and go in the other room.

Brad (35:14):
Remember those days with the phone cord? Maybe young listeners don’t even know what I’m talking about when I talk about the cord on the phone headset, but boy today we are, we have become expert at diverting our attention to numerous things, multitasking and losing our focus, uh, very, very quickly to the extent that we often have trouble listening to people at a one, at a time basis. And instead, we’re just jumping in and competing for attention and trying to get those words out before someone, uh, loses interest or becomes distracted by the dinging of a text message and another update about the Los Angeles fires or what have you. That’s super important and super urgent, but still, it destroys that routine and smooth rhythmic interpersonal communication. So develop the ability to sit quietly, maintain eye contact, and don’t interrupt, wait for your turn to speak.

Brad (36:10):
Here’s a great quote from Confucius. Resolve to listen more and talk less. No one learns anything by talking. I will add today, thousands of years later, that sometimes we do gain self-awareness by talking things through, especially with a supportive partner. But I do take Confucius advice to heart and wanna make sure that people are fully listened to as a great attribute of communication in all settings, especially in the relationship settings. Next bullet. Learn the difference between needing to vent when you get home from a frustrating day and kicking the dog. You’re allowed to vent and the listener. This is, uh, John Gray’s advice for engaging the female in venous talks, because generally the female really benefits from venting. The male might not be that communicative or might not, might process as stress in a different way. But when you are, uh, engaging in indulging venous talks, you are to listen intently without giving advice or critique, critique or interrupting.

Brad (37:15):
Now, when venting turns in, turns in is directed at the partner, that’s when you are allowed to cut it off. You’re not allowed to come home and kick the dog, in other words, vent toward me because of your hectic, stressful day at work. So you have to develop those relationship skills to use lines like “I hear you “is John Gray’s idea, which means, uh, it’s a signal for the female to stop venting or to redirect her venting away from, uh, critique and nitpicking of her male partner who’s supposed to be listening intently and offering support without advice or critique. Now, if an interruption does occur, like I described with the mobile device or whatever else is going on have the sensitivity to encourage the partner to pick up the conversation where it left off. Mia Morris outstanding at this because she can’t process information a massive amount of information sometimes at the same time.

Brad (38:10):
And I’ll be talking and we’ll get some interruption like the navigator will talk and say turn right up here at the next turn. And I’ll sort of get, uh, kind of a little deflated if I’m telling an important story. And then the Siri interrupts to tell us to turn right, and she, every time goes, as you were saying, you were leading on the last lap, and then the competition, uh, was left behind <laugh>. And so then I jump right back into my important story. But it’s also, um, a good idea not to get but hurt as Bradley sometimes does when I get deflated just because some machine interrupted me. Um, so I’m a little sensitive to interruption because I’m sensitive to how it pervades our culture, but it’s okay, especially when the partner’s sensitive enough to encourage you to pick up your story where you left off.

Brad (39:00):
Another tip, don’t traffic and regrets. We want to learn and grow from past mistakes and appreciate your present circumstances. Most importantly, don’t sweat the small stuff. I think that was the title of our original podcast interview, and again, Mia Moore exemplar in this area, which helps me tremendously to also not sweat the small stuff. I think in particular, what’s wonderful for a partnership is to have it out and discuss the important matters at hand, even if it’s sensitive conversation where, uh, someone’s disturbed, someone has issues, you talk it through and then you whatever, shake hands, kiss and hug, and go on with life rather than build resentments and allow things to simmer where the conversation did not finish on a productive and resolution note. And instead is just kind of building up fodder and resentment for the next time that might turn into a blowup, especially when you use terms like whatever in conversation.

Brad (40:03):
We talked about having a sunny disposition and a natural inclination to see the glass half full. And I think that’s an important attribute to put in that category of whether it’s opposites attract or you have a sort of a complimentary opinion and attitude, behavior, disposition toward life. So a natural match would be two people who tend to see the glass half full rather than that common opposites attract where one person’s fun, bubbly and outgoing, and the other person is kind of has a tendency toward, uh, negativity and withdrawing and things like that. And at first, those two people were extremely attracted to each other because of those complimentary attributes, and then it starts to become a point of contention. Finally, we had the cheerleader episode from Mia Moore, that was the other title. And it came, it stemmed from this rhetorical question I heard long ago.

Brad (41:06):
I think it was from perhaps a podcast or written in a book and it went something like this. Do you want a mature, authentic, dynamic adult relationship with conflict, frank discussion, negotiation, compromise and resolution? Or do you just wanna cheerleader to stand by and cheer you on through life <laugh>? And my answer was, when we reflect on how difficult daily life is and the challenges of work and raising a family and going to school and dealing with all the pressures and the matters at hand, my answer would be after some, uh, careful thought and consideration. Yeah, I want a cheerleader <laugh>. Now, that’s not to say that we’re looking dating back to decades past and looking for a meek submissive partner who never challenged you as the old time stereotype might project, but rather a partner who delivers, uh, a steady stream of support and encouragement, especially when you might be a little discouraged and down yourself and need it most.

Brad (42:10):
So with this explanation, Mia explained that you can have someone who is both a cheerleader and an authentic partner. So when it’s time to discuss where you’re headed with your career and should you take this job or should you quit this job, and the cheerleader is saying, I support you. I believe in you, I know you’re gonna make it work. You’re gonna succeed in whatever job you choose. And then the rest of the discussion can continue with how about I wonder if you should work on your clay sculpting career in the background while you maintain your job so we can continue to eat food and pay the mortgage or what have you in the example that I just made up, right? So you have a cheerleader who’s really supportive and encouraging of your wonderful hobby of clay sculpture, of little dogs, but at the same time wants to bring that dose of reality and perspective into your decision making process while offering that wonderful cheerleader style, undying support, encouragement for you to live your best life.

Brad (43:12):
Now, finally, the last on the list here, there’s nothing wrong with mature, authentic communication, including negotiation compromise, resolution as I conveyed with the, uh, the startup point here of asking what the, either or, uh, however, um, you can do all this stuff without the conflict and the negativity and the resentment and the contempt that we often see from these relationships that become somewhat combative and dysfunctional. So I love highlighting that aspect of being a cheerleader for a winning relationship and also making it work where you’re real and you face matters with maturity. Thank you so much for listening to this series of Brad’s favorite podcast, insights on Relationship Tips from numerous experts. Look forward to recording more, going into some different categories. Let’s see what’s ahead. We have health and fitness stuff that’s coming up with all kinds of diet fitness. Much more to come. Thank you. Send some information to us to cover on future Q and Ashows, questions, comments, feedback. The email address is podcast@bradventures.com.

Brad (44:30):
Thank you so much For listening to the B.rad Podcast. We appreciate all feedback and suggestions. Email, podcast@bradventures.com and visit brad kears.com to download five free eBooks and learn some great long cuts to a longer life. How to optimize testosterone naturally, become a dark chocolate connoisseur and transition to a barefoot and minimalist shoe lifestyle.