Once again, it is time for a refresher course inspired by the teaching of four-time podcast guest John Gray, the #1 bestselling relationship author of all-time with his Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus franchise.

In this highlight episode, you will hear life-changing advice and insights into relationship health, including the specific “assignments” John Gray has designated for men and women and why. You will learn about the importance of being a “Kung Fu Master”, why men should never speak when they have a negative emotional charge, and the #1 danger women face today.

I also include tips from author David Deida, talk about the effects of complaining or nitpicking and what happens when you instead express everything as a preference, and how to overcome emotionally fragile reactions. You will also learn what causes arguments to escalate, why women just need to vent, what kills the passion in a relationship, what causes women to end up anxious and depressed, and more details about the different fundamental biological drives and hormonal underpinnings that influence our behavior and wants and needs.

TIMESTAMPS:

After the first two highlight podcasts, Brad looks at relationship insights. [01:04]

The male’s relationship assignment is to be a kung fu master by remaining calm, cool and collected. [02:43]

The female needs to vent, to talk out her problems, concerns, challenges, and complaints. [09:55]

Leave the petty grievances alone.  Decide what is really important. [14:59]

The female should never complain and nitpick your male partner. [18:11]

You are responsible for your own happiness. You cannot depend on another person to make you happy. [20:10]

The evolving culture and evolving relationship roles lead to challenges, mainly with the female. [23:23]

Another dynamic is the increased isolation of society. [26:16]

John Gray’s anatomy of an argument: Female feels unhappy and starts to feel disconnected. The males responds by telling her why she shouldn’t feel that way.  [30:27]

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TRANSCRIPT:

Brad (00:00):
Welcome to the B.rad podcast, where we explore ways to pursue peak performance with passion throughout life without taking ourselves too seriously. I’m Brad Kearns, New York Times bestselling author, former number three world ranked professional triathlete and Guinness World Record Masters athlete. I connect with experts in diet, fitness, and personal growth, and deliver short breather shows where you get simple actionable tips to improve your life right away. Let’s explore beyond the hype hacks, shortcuts, and science talk to laugh, have fun and appreciate the journey. It’s time to B.rad

Brad (00:38):
We’re thinking of the primal example where the male was physically larger and stronger, and so took on the role of protecting the female partner from danger. This still exists deep inside the brainstem and the primitive brain. Today is John Gray’s argument. Like it or not, if I’m not sounding woke enough, um, just dispensing this great information from John Gray. You can go think about it and process it as you wish, but it really hits home to me when.

Brad (01:04):
it’s time for another edition of our continued series of B.rad Podcast highlights in specific categories. And we’ve covered in the first two shows. Episode one was covering topics relating to mindset, parenting, self-sabotage, manifesting tech addiction. Show number two talked about personality tendencies, focus, motivation, decisions and actions. And we wiring the brain and now we get to relationship insights. I think this is gonna be two shows on one of my favorite subjects with some of the greatest guests that life-changing, guests that have appeared on the B.rad podcast.

Brad (01:44):
Look no further than John Gray. My four-time podcast guest, number one bestselling relationship author of all time with his series of books. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus franchise, and he has delivered so many nuggets with his incredible rapid fire technique that I’ve dedicated a couple shows just to recapping all the stuff that he spewed out and organizing them into the essential male and female relationship assignments. And I think about these all the time. I try to share them as often as possible. We need a constant reminder of how we’re supposed to act and what our highest goals and principles are when we’re trying to be the best partner that we can be. And I’ve rebroadcast that relationship assignments episode, recently after first airing it a couple years ago. And now we’re gonna get into a little more tidbits from John Gray to help you keep it fresh and front and center.

Brad (02:43):
And my favorite one, the biggest, biggest picture insight is that the male’s relationship assignment essentially is to be a kung fu master and remain calm, cool, and collected at all times, no matter what that is. Your female’s primary and deepest, biologically-driven need is to have a partner who is calm, cool, and collected in the face of these minor, everyday petty stresses that we deal with throughout our lives as well as the major crises. Someone to lean on, someone you can count on what this means. And John Gray is so strong on this point, looking at me through the screen, boring holes into my eyeballs saying, look, you are never to speak when you experience a negative emotional charge. So if you are getting bent, getting irritated, getting frustrated, and you need to blow up, that is going to be death to the relationship, quote, unquote, from John Gray.

Brad (03:49):
He also reminded us that a male sharing to his female partner, uh, my feelings were hurt back there at the party when you were talking to Gary in the corner for so long. That is also death to a relationship to show that emotional weakness or vulnerability. Hmm, that’s interesting because this kind of commentary flies counter in the face to a lot of this evolved societal messaging these days where we want to grow and evolve beyond that stoic, rigid male archetype who doesn’t, uh, share feelings very well. And then, uh, in tandem, the females need to step it up and become tough, rigid, resilient competitors and go kick in the workplace, but of course, still honor their deepest biological drives to be the nurturer, the caretaker, the connector. Um, so we’re asking basically all things from all people.

Brad (04:46):
And in relationship, we’re asking the partner to not only be calm, cool and collected and resilient in the face of stresses and conflict, but also be emotionally sensitive and sharing and vulnerable. And it’s a nice thought to try to evolve culture from these dated and largely objectionable ideals where, you know, the man goes out and earns the income and the woman is home, uh, making meals and, and taking care of the children, that of course, we can reject and continue to progress and try to express, uh, the, the life of our dreams and of our destiny. And that’s gonna cross over to males and females sharing roles and crossing over roles. That’s all wonderful. But what John Gray points out is that deep down our deepest biological drives and tendencies are still there, and the female’s deepest biological drive is that nurturer caretaker and has a need to be protected from danger.

Brad (05:42):
Dating back to, you know, we’re thinking of the primal example where the male was physically larger and stronger, and so took on the role of protecting the female partner from danger. This still exists deep inside the brainstem and the primitive brain today is John Gray’s argument. Like it or not, if I’m not sounding woke enough, just dispensing this great information from John Gray. You can go think about it and process it as you wish, but it really hits home to me when we dust off all the sophistication and the progress in modern culture and modern society. We still have these deep biological drives down that we need to honor and respect and understand. So, as John Gary relates now, since we don’t have predators looming around the camp looking at that sort of primitive danger that’s gone and that’s neutralized now, and today, John Gray contends that the female’s biggest danger is to protect herself from your anger, from the partner’s anger and negative emotions.

Brad (06:45):
And of course, in the most extreme example, we have the high prevalence of spousal abuse even, still today is a huge problem in society. So on that basic level, the female needs to be protected from your anger, your emotions, and other such abuses even worse, right? So, that is why it’s so important to remain calm, cool, and collected at all times. And I’m going to stand my vote squarely in the category of my total support over this, because every time I’ve dabbled in feeling trying to be emotionally vulnerable and sensitive and, and show my frailties, I don’t think it, it turns out great. I think it would turn out better just to, um, kind of, uh, remain, uh, calm, cool and collected rather than engage and, you know, really, uh, unleash whatever the emotions are.

Brad (07:43):
Oftentimes it’s anger, which is never really constructive for a relationship. And even if it’s that e emotional fragility where I got jealous because my partner was talking to Gary too long in the corner at the party, uh, those are things I think are better processed, <laugh> myself individually if I’m putting myself up for an example, right? Um, it’s probably all about you rather than, uh, your female partner innocently, uh, connecting with someone, uh, at a party that triggers your jealousy buttons. That’s probably baggage that you’ve carried along your whole life because your high school girlfriend lied to you and went to the football game with someone else, right? These things are really relevant, and I think it’s important to overcome them and show your partner that emotional resiliency to be understanding. Now, it doesn’t mean to stuff all your feelings and walk through life with your hands in your pockets and your head down and not say anything because John Gray recommends being calm, cool, and collected at all times.

Brad (08:43):
There are definitely ways to engage on important matters and speak freely and directly with authenticity, but it does not have to have any a negative emotional charge. It simply does not work out well when you are speaking and engaging and arguing and bitching and moaning with a negative emotional charge. And in John Gray’s most recent book that we’ve focused on in numerous podcast interviews Beyond Mars and Venus, he contends that this is beyond the visuals of getting into an argument, uh, on a hormonal level. This is throwing off your hormone balance. So when you engage and get into nitpicking arguing, you suppress testosterone and you spike estrogen, which is the, the male, uh, being outta balance and the female, the opposite. When she has an overly stressful day, she is out of balance on her, her yang side, her male side, and, uh, suppressing estrogen, which is the hormone that makes her feel like she is being the best that she can be, and happy content, satisfied, all that great stuff. So that was the number one assignment for the male calm, cool collector at all times.

Brad (09:55):
And number two is you are to indulge your female partner in what John Gray calls Venus Talks. And that is the females deeply biologically-driven drive to vent, to talk out her problems, concerns, challenges, and complaints. And at these times when the female needs to vent to get back onto her female side, to get into hormonal balance, your assignment is to listen intently without an, without offering advice, solutions, or constructive criticism. This flies in the face of your deepest biological drive, which is to conquer one’s environment, solve problems, and engage in competition. That’s what makes the male tick at the deepest, most biological primitive level. So when a female is venting about what a jerky boss that she had to deal with at work that day, the male’s tendency is to say, why don’t you put in for working remotely on Friday so you can do all that stuff without that person looking over your shoulder?

Brad (10:56):
That’s not what the female needs at that time. If the female’s looking for advice solutions or constructive criticism, and not only in the relationship example, but in all examples of life, refrain from dispensing advice until someone is really looking for, it might be good operating principles to live by. I know that my message doesn’t fly as well when it’s just spouted without prompting or without request in contrast to someone signing up for a coaching consultation, right? A lot better traction when someone is really eager and engaged and wanting to listen to what you have to say rather than when you sound off on your soapbox. Okay? So in related to John Gray’s message is an author named David Deida, who wrote The Way of the Superior Man, probably 25, 30 years ago.

Brad (11:51):
Some of his stuff is pretty wacky, and you might chuckle because it might fly in the face of the, you know, the evolution of culture and the respect of male and female roles evolving and transitioning. Uh, but again, I do appreciate some of his stuff in real, like real life practical application. It’s hard to go wrong sometimes when you, uh, adhere to some of these basic principles. So what David Deida says is, when your female partner is upset, you are to shower her with love and humor, do not try to solve problems, criticize or analyze. Praise and acceptance work, but not information, advice or suggestions. And then he paints the example of, gee, if you wish, your partner would get in better shape and take care of themselves better, whatever what you are to comment, suggested comment is, those are some really sexy workout clothes <laugh> compare and contrast to, uh, hey, maybe you should go to the gym.

Brad (12:55):
I don’t know, females listening. Which one would you respond to, uh, with more enthusiasm and, uh, influence? Those are some sexy workout clothes right there. Or, perhaps you should go to the gym. <laugh>, pretty obvious great suggestion there. Now also David Deida tips. He wants you as the male partner in the relationship to be decisive when you are asked for advice, when that time comes, give your firm opinion and support her decision, whatever it is. Okay? Again, I know there’s gonna be a lot of pushback here because we want to talk about this evolved modern male who expresses his feelings and is open and honest and direct and vulnerable and authentic. So, if you feel like it’s a relationship win or a relationship probably gonna put you into a tailspin of relationship dysfunction and hormone imbalance behind the scenes.

Brad (14:03):
So instead, what you are to do from the great expert’s recommendation that have had years and decades of experience dealing with relationship conflict, when you have this sense of being triggered, uh, feeling annoyed, slighted, uh, nitpicked, whatever you are to respond on the spot with loving kindness in a loving kind manner, and then you let that shit go, man. Again, quoting John Gray, and on our very first show together, the one that I do contend was life changing for me because I was so inspired and touched by my first connection with John Gray, that the very next day, I proposed to Mia Moore at the baggage claim at Burbank Airport because I heard John Gray talking about the ideal partner attributes. And I’m thinking in my mind, wow, Mia Moore does all this, what am I waiting for? She’s the greatest partner.

Brad (14:59):
And so I went for it spontaneously. But anyway, on part of that show, he was talking about his longtime partner named Bonnie. They were together for 33 years. And, unbeknownst to me, she had passed in the year, just in the previous year, proceeding the show. And he was just getting back into the game and getting back into the public eye after, you know, experiencing a period of mourning and laying low. And so he kind of cracked a little bit during the show when he was talking about his interactions with his partner and even, an example of relationship conflict. And now the person is gone, and that was the one that, you know, if that doesn’t impact you, the world’s leading relationship expert talking about his partner who’s now gone, and how these petty conflicts could potentially get in the way.

Brad (15:47):
If you didn’t frame the perspective carefully, boy, I hope that you can, you can be similarly inspired to let that shit go, whatever that shit is, because one day, it’s all gonna be gone anyway, right? And I think the example he was talking about was, oh, she requested that John, turn off the lights in the home with more discipline than his tendency to just kind of leave the light on and walk outta the room. And so this was something that they would, uh, bicker about from time to time, if I remember his anecdote correctly. And so now he’s walking around in his big, beautiful empty home telling the story. He’s since got into a new partnership, which is so wonderful for him. but he’s talking about how leaving the light on and smiling and going over to the wall switch and turning it off, but having that memory and that reminiscing and having a fresh new perspective is, you know, we don’t need to break down and engage relationship conflict for these petty annoyances.

Brad (16:53):
And I think in his case, he could have, he’s realizing, you know, that he’s smiling and saying, thank you for someone reminding him to turn the light switch off rather than getting annoyed and slighted and expressing it, thereby forming this opinion and this firm edict for you to keep cool instead of spouting off every little petty thought that comes into your head. Instead, back to my notes, if you insist on getting triggered and engaging with your partner on whatever level, will you leave me alone about the freaking light switches? Do it yourself if you are so important, you know, whatever your comeback is, right? You create scarring and damage and destruction and distance. And instead of becoming this lifelong loving, exciting, sparkly romantic partnership, you become quote, business partners in the home. And how common is that these days? You hear from other relationship experts like John Gottman, the Gottman Institute, that even the marriages that are proudly standing for their decades of decades of existence as opposed to the incredibly high divorce rate, which is now, I believe up to 60% overall, that might be a California statistic.

Brad (18:11):
Maybe they get divorced more in California, I don’t know. But, uh, there’s a lot of divorce and then even the relationships that are hanging together are quite often seen as business partners in the home. Now that was a lot of commentary about the male keeping as cool and how important that is for hormone balance and relationship harmony. It’s also worth a little quick mention. We’ve covered this on the other shows, especially the relationship assignment show. The female’s preeminent relationship assignment. And that is to never complain or nitpick your male partner, you must express everything as a preference. The male’s deep down biological drive is to be the hero in the story, to conquer one’s environment to keep his female partner and his family safe. These are the deepest biological drives not to respond to nitpicking, right? And so, John Gray’s little trick here in this scenario is to express things as a preference and lavish praise when your male partner does something that you appreciate and that you’ve asked for.

Brad (19:15):
So instead of nitpicking about the dirty dishes are still in the kitchen in the morning, you can say on those times that they occur, oh my gosh, you, you cranked it in the kitchen. Incredible. You did a great job. I love it when I wake up in the morning to a clean kitchen. Thank you so much for kicking butt last night. And that will go a hundred times farther than that morning voice saying, Hey, what’s, what’s your problem? Why are the dishes still here? It’s so annoying. Okay? So express everything as a preference. And of course, you can do that, right? Don’t gimme some counter arguments right now. Well, I asked 10 times, and he still didn’t do it. There’s ways to express your preferences with loving kindness and refrain from this common tendency for petty complaints and nitpicking the male is not going to respond optimally to that type of communication pattern.

Brad (20:10):
John Gray, continuing. It’s important to overcome a fragile emotional reaction to relationship conflict. Don’t sweat these small conflicts. Instead, speak the truth with loving kindness and realize that you are responsible for your own happiness. So if you’re coming into a relationship looking for a way to <laugh> to transform your a miserable, lonely life with a magical partner, uh, you can sit and watch a two-hour movie to that, uh, refrain. But this is not going to be a winning formula in real life. And as John Gray explains, you’re responsible for, let’s say 80% of your own happiness, I believe is what he said. And then you look to the relationship to give you a 20% bump in happiness. But you are responsible at all times for your own happiness. And I love that comment because it really does help you, uh, have a nice foundation when relationship dynamics get a little bit difficult, and you have little conflicts here and there.

Brad (21:15):
If you’re happy and you have your own, for example, network of friends and hobbies and meaningful work and outlets and ways that you can disengage rather than be, you know, codependent and get immersed into these negative relationship dynamics, that’s gonna help you a lot when the conflicts do arise. So again, this is sort of a summary. Some of this stuff I’ve mentioned, but I have a nice finishing paragraph here. Men and women have different fundamental biological drives and hormonal underpinnings that influence behavior and wants, and needs. I should take a moment here to do just as John Gray did with basically every interview that he’s done with me and explain that we’re talking about kind of basics and generalities here. And of course, all these things also apply to same sex marriages, as well as people who are identifying outside of these narrow parameters that are the majority, right?

Brad (22:18):
So you can take the information and process it and apply it to your own life, even if you are LBGTQ plus or in the same sex relationship and so forth. And if you’re looking for more details or more refinement, there’s a lot of great information at marsandvenus.com. So anyway, I’m talking in that generality for the sake of convenience. When I talk about, uh, the man is driving to protect the woman and so forth, hopefully it’s not offensive, and it’s, uh, giving you the clarity that we’re also, uh, applicable to a much bigger perspective than this black and white type of thinking. Now, male and females have different biological drives and hormonal underpinnings that influence behavior and their wants and needs. We’re trying to negate and disregard these. Oftentimes we’re trying to negate and disregard these in pursuit of societal progress and equality. This is largely a good thing, as I tried to explain in my own words earlier, because we’re taking women out of this traditional caretaking role at home and men out of their narrow roles as this stoic breadwinner.

Brad (23:23):
And this is in the interest of striving for more connection rather than that basic, you know, foundational connection of the man and the woman get together to make babies and earn a living, and all that stuff that we’re fortunately transitioning beyond that. However, the process of doing this, of evolving culture and evolving relationship roles leads to challenges, mainly with the female. John talked about this in detail. Females are trying to be all things to all people, right? They’re obligated to go compete in the workforce and engage, he calls it on their male side, on that testosterone driven competitive workplace environment. And I’m not talking just about, the boiler room, uh, and the sales team and whoever, sells the most. Every workplace is competitive in this way, where we’re demanding and we’re setting goals, and we’re setting parameters, and we’re adhering to protocols and all those things.

Brad (24:20):
That’s all part of the male dominance on the hormonal perspective. Okay? So females are trying to, uh, be this, uh, workplace peak performer as well as answer to their basic biological drives of nurture caretaking. And so you become this quintessential harried soccer mom who’s trying to be a good wife and trying to keep in shape and wear those sexy workout clothes to the gym, and also raise kids and shower that love and attention and caretaking on the kids, so females can end up anxious, depressed, and highly medicated. That is a John Gray observation of the modern female who’s running a million miles an hour. Males are socialized to kick ass, compete, conquer, and also be emotional, vulnerable, and be a good companion. So it is still against the male’s deepest biological drives and basic nature to talk problems to death and get into petty relationship conflicts whereby it’s a form of connection for the female to perhaps overtalk things and perhaps tend have a tendency to nitpick when getting frustrated.

Brad (25:39):
They need to talk things through to death. Again, I don’t wanna offend anybody with this commentary I’m referencing John Gray’s great work. It’s highly steeped in relationship research and science and his years of experience. So if you get, you know, triggered yourself by listening to this and saying that’s putting the female, uh, into a, uh, a prejudicial box, um, I’m trying to re remain an open mind and realize that we are bumping up with our cultural progress against basic biological drives and the conflict and the frustration that can ensue.

Brad (26:16):
Finally, another dynamic that John sees in modern times, is that the increased isolation of society puts more pressure on the relationship for the relationship or the partnership to be all things to all people. So now instead of the female gathering at the <laugh> at the, at the site of the river to wash clothes with 20 other females and, and chitchat and gossip and connect, uh, now we’re asking the male to be the female’s conversation partner when that’s against the male’s deepest biological drive.

Brad (26:52):
And furthermore, if the man is not getting out there to bowling night on Tuesday and the golf round on Saturday morning, and all these things where they connect with their community of their peers, they’re kind of asking too much of the female, in the same refrain. So we need to bring in the community and have our, uh, needs, our varied needs met in different ways by different members of the community instead of just having the relationship to be all things, to be all people as we live in our suburban home distance, perhaps from other homes in your big giant gate that you have to drive through to get to your, your house, your castle, as they say. And everything’s all about, uh, the relationship when sometimes it can get annoying or you feel stifled because the male’s not as good at gossiping as the females at the hair salon and vice versa, the male has a complaint that the female doesn’t know enough about NFL football to really engage in meaningful conversation during the football game, <laugh>, okay?

Brad (27:54):
So when there’s too much pressure, too much stress, and we’re asking the relationship to be all things to all people, the relationship goes into survival slash business partner mode. It becomes stagnant, passionless and dysfunctional when the female acts like the CEO in the home. So she’s running the show and she’s directing the kid operation, and she’s making all the decisions, and she’s pushing the male aside because he’s not as much of a natural nurturer and caretaker. The female CEO kills relationship passion on the other side when the male becomes aloof, which is the common response when the male is asked or demanded to come out of his shell and be more open, honest, authentic, vulnerable, and sharing and caring, the male will distance oneself from the relationship by, for example, bury his nose in his cave activities, as John Gray calls them, the testosterone boosting activities like going into the garage and tinkering with the motorcycle for hours, or heading out to perhaps too many bowling nights and too many golf rounds that last, not only the four hours that it takes to play that annoying round of slow golf, but also lingering around in the grill after.

Brad (29:14):
And, uh, watching TV and just, uh, staying away from relationship intimacy because relationship intimacy is no longer a big payoff. So, the female CEO kind of dishes the male to the side who has that deep biological drive to be the hero. So we have to kind of get out of these familiar negative adverse patterns, branch out with nurturing positive relationships with people besides our partner, and then come to the partnership, look to the partnership to bring that relationship, spark excitement and appropriate conversation. For example, the Venus talks where you refrain from giving advice, critique, and so forth, and just listen in a supportive manner. So pay attention to how some of these conversations and behavior patterns aren’t working. The female, again, looking at you now, do not nitpick, express everything as a preference with loving kindness instead of the constant litany of complaints that kill passion and drive the male further into the distance. In summary, or in bringing this into real life focus.

Brad (30:27):
Here’s John Gray’s anatomy of an argument. First, let’s say the female feels unhappy and starts to feel disconnected. Remember, the deepest biological drive is nurturing, caretaking, and connection. So the female starts to feel disconnected and expresses herself like, we never go out to date night anymore, whatever it is, the male responds by explaining why she shouldn’t feel unhappy and disconnected. The female rejects this male explanation, this mansplaining. She rejects the advice and the constructive criticism and realizes that she just needs to vent. When the male is rejected and his advice is not appreciated, or his explanation is not appreciated, he reacts, he gets triggered, and he loses his emotional stability of the kung fu master being calm, cool, collected at all times. What happens is the argument escalates at that time, and they get into it, so to speak. The further into it they get, the more the male testosterone and calm, cool, collected state is disturbed.

Brad (31:40):
And as the estrogen spikes and you start to get more emotional, more bitchy, to use the perjure of term that’s often used on females, but males can get bitchy, too. I’ll even call myself out sometimes as being a bitchy boy about something when I realize that I lost my emotional control and engaged in an inappropriate manner. So when the argument escalates in that manner, emotional bruises occur, and they take time to heal, and they form scar tissue. If you don’t have a tremendous heroic effort to heal and move on and have everybody feeling whole and trying again the next day with better effort. And that brings me to the conclusion of John Gray’s comments in specifically. And on the next section, I’m gonna talk about, uh, three or four other relationship experts, including Mia Moore gets in there, and some tips from our two shows that we did together talking about relationship dynamics.

Brad (32:42):
So let’s keep this, wrap a bow around this John Gray exclusive show, and he definitely deserves a dedicated show with, uh, all his great contribution to the listeners and to my own personal life as I related. So, thanks for listening. Love to hear your thoughts, comments, and perspective about these relationship insights, especially as they can drift into the potentially controversial category. When again, we’re hearing this drum being pounded, that we want the male to be open on its vulnerable and share its feelings at all times. <laugh>, All right, people, calm, cool, and collected. Express everything as a preference, never nitpick. Take your assignments and run with ’em. Thanks for listening, watching. Email me some comments podcast@bradventures.com.

Brad (33:32):
Thank you so much for listening to the B.radpodcast. We appreciate all feedback and suggestions. Email, podcast@bradventures.com and visit brad kearns.com to download five free eBooks and learn some great long cuts to a longer life. How to optimize testosterone naturally, become a dark chocolate connoisseur and transition to a barefoot and minimalist shoe lifestyle.

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