(Breather)Did you know that the health risks associated with loneliness are about the same as the risks associated with obesity?
Yes, that’s right, it’s not just your emotional well-being that is affected by your social interactions and intimate relationships — your longevity is also directly and adversely impacted by loneliness. In fact, loneliness can actually change your personality, making you more selfish and less sensitive to others. It’s also strongly associated with an increased risk for dementia, and lonely people actually have a 20% increase in their risk for early death from heart disease, stroke, or cancer.
In the final episode of this three-part breather show about the future of health and fitness and the 9 tips you can take to transform your life this year, we will cover the last four items on the list:
#6: Prioritizing live social interaction and your intimate circle of family and friends
#7: Evolving love relationships to the next level
#8: Reprogramming your brain
#9: Taking baby steps to achieve your goals
Here we go!
Prioritizing Family and Friends, Your ‘Intimate’ Circle:
It’s no secret that a lot of people feel lonely during this pandemic, but maybe one lesson we can learn from that is to be more proactive in making plans and engaging in live social interaction. The truth is, loneliness is a big deal; Keto For Life explains why when discussing longevity attributes: “Two-thirds of Americans have lost 90 percent of their friends over the past decade. Common reasons include moving to a new city, entering an all-consuming romantic relationship, or simply drifting apart. Thirty-three percent of Americans admit to having had a falling-out with a close friend or extended family member such that they are not on speaking terms. Thirty percent more people live alone in the United States than did in 1980, many of them elderly and thus less likely to engage socially outside the home. The disastrous health consequences of loneliness and isolation are widely acknowledged. Social isolation is strongly associated with an increased risk of dementia. Lonely people have a 20 percent increased risk of early death by cancer, heart disease, and stroke. These are about the same as obesity risks! Loneliness and isolation can actually change your personality whereby you become more selfish and less sensitive to others. This is a genetically programmed survival mechanism against the very real survival threat that isolation posed in primal times.” John Cacioppo, Ph.D., director of the University of Chicago’s Center for Cognitive and Social Neuroscience, and author of Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection, describes the phenomenon as follows: “When you feel lonely, you get more defensive. You focus more on self-preservation, even though this is not done intentionally. Completely unbeknownst to you, your brain is focusing more on self-preservation than the preservation of those around you. This, in turn, can make you less pleasant to be around.”
Evolving Love Relationships to Next Level: Emotionally Intelligent Relationships:
My shows with John Gray and Wendy Walsh are both great resources for information about this topic. The last time John was on the podcast, we discussed his book, Beyond Mars and Venus, and he talked about how one of the challenges of modern times is how evolving cultural dynamics are asking more from romantic relationships than ever before. Another thing John stressed was the importance of nurturing our biological drives so we can optimize our hormones with good relationship practices, and the Essential Male/Female Assignments, which are:
Men: Engage in Venus talks and don’t speak when you have a negative emotional charge (be a calm, cool, and collected Kung fu master!). Take cave time to replenish testosterone (by solving problems, tackling challenges, etc). David Deida, author of The Way of Superior Man, advises us to, “lean into a female’s emotional outbursts.”
Women: Don’t nitpick, and work to express everything as preference. Remember that men just want to be the hero in the story.
Wendy Walsh says there are “no rules” (e.i., swiping a screen to find a new mate). In discussing the challenges of the all-consuming modern relationship, Wendy asserts that “too much autonomy means no intimacy. Too much union means fusion, and that’s not healthy either.”
Some great takeaways from John Gottman: “Discover your own happiness and bring it to a relationship.” John Gray says to look to yourself to be happy, and a relationship to make you happier. Get that 80% by yourself, and the final 20% is the cherry on top.
It’s also key to realize that you can’t change your partner. “Most marital arguments cannot be solved, because they emanate from fundamental differences in lifestyle, personality, or values. Fighting is something that wastes time and harms your marriage. A successful relationship depends on the extent to which the male can accept the influence of the woman he loves and become socialized in emotional communication.”
In your day-to-day lives as a couple, you have hit upon a dynamic that keeps your negative thoughts and feelings about each other (which all couples have) from overwhelming the positive ones. The goal is to have an emotionally intelligent marriage. Also, keep in mind that, “neuroses don’t have to ruin a marriage. If you can accommodate each other’s ‘crazy’ side and handle it with caring, affection, and respect, your marriage can thrive.”
Reprogramming Your Brain:
One recurring theme in all our lives is that we are replaying flawed childhood programming and our subconscious runs the show, 93-98% of the time, as per Bruce Lipton. The way to counteract this is by awakening to this idea, acknowledging our patterned behavior and ‘issues’, and taking some space to control thoughts and emotions. Work on responding, instead of reacting.
One of my most inspiring shows was with John Assaraf, who talked about Innercise, which is how to rewire your brain neurons through “tiny actions” that are do-able and non-intimidating. This helps build up your confidence and also helps you to start thinking differently. The brain has neuroplasticity, meaning it can become rewired for success and positivity, so why not take advantage of this?
Remember to “Take 6” under stress. There are also a host of other techniques that take practice and repetition: affirmations, positive self-talk, tools like MyNeurogym online courses, physical priming techniques like diaphragmatic breathing, meditation and mindfulness training, CBT, subliminal tapes. Or how about just refraining from self-critical comments and self-limiting beliefs? And then, start envisioning some possibilities?
I also love what Jack Canfield says about implementing ‘Turnaround statements’: “If you want to find happiness in life, put a muzzle on that inner critic and transform it into an encouraging, loving, and positive inner coach.” The inner critic can be incredibly destructive; Canfield cites research that we talk to ourselves around 50,000 times per day and that 80 percent of that self-talk is negative. Canfield’s suggestion is to identify the belief you would like to change, determine how that belief limits you, and decide how you would rather be, act, or feel. Then, create a “turnaround statement” that affirms or gives you permission to be, act, or feel this new way. Then, you implant the statement into your subconscious mind by repeating the statement for 2-3 minutes, several times per day for a minimum of thirty days. If this stuff sounds silly to you, you’re right.
The Imperative Habit is full of great words of wisdom from Dave Rossi, one of my favorites being the importance of sticking to your values and vision when you experience stress, fear, pressure. He also suggests we try framing these negative emotions entirely differently, so we can see that stress, fear, and pressure are actually choices. And they’re caused by obsessing on an outcome or what you think others might think. So just fake it ‘till you make it if necessary! Do something about it. Eliminating stuff that makes you unhappy is ultimately what leads to happiness.
I also love what psychologist Gay Hendricks says in his book, The Big Leap, which advances the compelling argument that we bump up against an “Upper Limit” in life. Hendricks describes, “An inner thermostat setting that determines how much love, success, and creativity we allow ourselves to enjoy. That thermostat setting usually gets programmed in early childhood. Once programmed, our Upper-Limit thermostat setting holds us back from enjoying all the love, financial abundance, and creativity that’s rightfully ours.”
Taking Baby Steps to Achieve Your Goals:
There seems to be a huge recurring theme that, instead of grand plans and huge goals and dreams, you just take baby steps, meaning, you set do-able, intermediate step goals.
Instead of a million zillion, see if you can get a handle on your consumer debt and start spreadsheeting.
My morning routine has been a life changer for a free-wheeler like me. As I’m now on a 4-year streak with this routine, it’s become less and less reliant on thought and motivation and willpower – I just know it will happen.
Finally, when it comes to achieving goals, and the things you do in order to make them happen, remember that taking baby steps is the key to actually making progress. Don’t think, don’t judge, don’t hesitate – just do what you can, when you can, and then enjoy watching all your efforts add up over time!
Brad starts by review of the first predictions for the first two breather shows. Diet, fitness workplace and career dynamic, and discipline with technology were covered. [01:47]
Prioritizing your family and friends is more important than ever. When things get back to normal, we will appreciate how important it is. [02:42]
Loneliness and isolation are more prevalent than we realize. [04:32]
Evolve your love relationship to the next level. Understand how the roles have changed. [07:20]
Males should never speak when he is experiencing a negative emotional charge. [12:58]
Females need to vent as part of their biological drive to connect but never nitpick. [14:12]
Discover your own happiness and then bring that happiness and that stability to the relationship, rather than looking to a relationship to fill a void in you or to make you feel whole. [16:22]
Realize that you cannot change your partner. [20:13]
Reprogram your brain neurons with tiny actions that are doable. [22:37]
Take Six is a good strategy to remember when under stress. Take six deep diaphragmatic breaths. [26:59]
Learn to be a listener. Learn to make “turn-around statements.” [31:01]
When you experience stress, fear, or pressure in daily life, you want to redirect your thoughts to your values and your vision. [34:33]
There is an inner thermostat setting that determines how much love, success, and creativity we allow ourselves to enjoy. [37:17]
Take baby steps on those changes you are wanting to make. [39:48]
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Brad [00:01:47]. Welcome to the B.rad podcast, part three of Brad predicting the future of health and fitness and how you can transform your life in 2021 and beyond. So we have this wonderful list of nine hot topics, things that are emerging in the diet, exercise, fitness lifestyle scene, and areas across the board that I think would be a wonderful use of our time and energy as we aspire to make 20, 21 a great year and beyond. So we’ve already covered, uh, the first six on the list. The first show covered personalized dietary patterns, micro workouts, and a kinder, gentler approach to fitness. The second show covered number four, evolved workplace and career dynamics and culture, the discipline, restraint and selectivities necessary for engaging with technology.
And now in this show, we will cover number six,: prioritizing lives, social interaction. Number seven: evolving your love relationships to the next level. Number eight: reprogramming your brain and number nine: taking baby steps to achieve your goals. Here we go, prioritizing family and friends and your intimate circle of your closest associates, your homeys, your sisters, whatever you want to call it. And right now in the age of quarantine, everything’s kind of on hold our endeavors and our goals to further connect and have more personal interaction, time, making dates to go sit and have coffee or go for a hike or watch a movie everything’s on hold, but it gives us a chance to reflect on how important these things are and how much we miss them. So yes, please cancel your Christmas gathering or birthday gathering or wedding. Uh, and then boy, when everything comes back someday to near normal, we can have a much greater appreciation for the importance and the beauty of live social interactions and how difficult it is to withstand that pressure of technology.
And, you know, go back, go back in time, essentially to where this was the centerpiece of our life. Uh, we talk about loneliness quite a bit in the book Keto for Life because we’re focusing on the topic of longevity and the huge impact that loneliness has on longevity, the adverse impact it has on health and longevity. Um, here’s an interesting stat from a website called not for dating.com. So it’s like a connection a website, but it’s specifically not for dating. It’s just for making friends and connections. Maybe somebody to jog with, or go lift weights with, or go shop at the grocery store, all the possibilities abound, but they have some pretty horrifying stats.
Two thirds of Americans have lost 90% of their friends over the past decade, nine out of 10. So if you had 10 good friends, when you were rolling hard in your twenties and going out after work and going on weekend excursions, who knows what was going on now only one of those 10 remain, uh, by statistics. Whew, common reasons include moving to a new city, entering an all consuming romantic relationship. There goes your one out of 10 stat huh?, Or simply drifting apart. 33% of Americans admit to having had a fallout with a close friend or extended family member, such that they are not on speaking terms. One third of Americans admit to having a freezer show going on, Oh my gosh, 30% more people live alone in the United States than did in 1980, many of them elderly and thus less likely to engage socially outside the home. The disastrous health consequences of loneliness and isolation are widely acknowledged. It’s strongly associated with increased risk of dementia. Lonely people have a 20% increased risk of early death by cancer, heart disease, and stroke. And these are about the same. The loneliness health risks are about the same as obesity risks. And if you’re lonely, maybe you’re getting obese anyway from adverse lifestyle practices, not enough movement, eating, uh, junk high palatable foods to soothe your loneliness.
Oh my gosh. Not to be, not to be smug about it, but I bet you, those things are associated loneliness and isolation can actually change your personality where you become more selfish and less sensitive to others. This is a genetically programmed survival mechanism against the very real survival threat that isolation posed in primal times. John Cacioppo, Dr. John director of the University of Chicago Center for Cognitive and Social Neuroscience and the author of Loneliness: Human Nature, and the Need for Social Connection describes the phenomenon as follows quote. When you feel lonely, you get more defensive, you focus more on self-preservation, even though this is not done intentionally. Completely unbeknownst to you, your brain is focusing more on self-preservation than the preservation of those around you. This in turn can make you less pleasant to be around. Okay? So we’re doing our best right now. We know there’s a certain measure of safety when you’re engaging outdoors. As far as transmission of the virus, there’s a very low rate of transmission when you’re out there hiking or doing some outdoor activity. So let’s see if we can work around this as much as possible and maintain those social connections, including some in-person semblance of that within the rules and guidelines and, uh, sensible safety measures. Okay.
That brings us to the next one. And that is evolving your love relationships to the next level (number seven). Oh boy. And the podcast has done a great job bringing in the world’s leading experts on this topic to give you some super duper powerful life-changing insights. I’ve told you about my very first episode interview with John Gray and how touching and incredibly personal it was. He broke down at one point talking about his lifelong partner. He was married to Bonnie for 33 years. She was a main subject in all of his books and, uh, he lost her to cancer a couple of years ago. So he’s been going it alone. And boy, to hear this guy, you know, with his vulnerability and his appreciation for his partner and telling these anecdotes, and you’re thinking about how, uh, we get so, you know, uptight and wound up in real life with the imperfections of our relationships, the importance of seeing that big picture and appreciating the beauty and the positive aspects of a person and not focusing on the negative. And we’ll get into that more with some of John Gottman suggestions. But boy that touched me directly, uh, very deeply having this privilege to engage with the number one bestselling relationship author of all time, a one-on-one direct through the, the zoom screen, of course, but, Oh man, the very next day I was just, uh, over overwhelmed and compelled, uh, to propose to my girl Mia Moore because I realized as John Gray was describing the ideal partnership attributes that she was right there in front of my face.
So what was I waiting for? What the heck? All right. So John Gray. Wendy Walsh has had some great shows talking about the evolutionary biology underpinnings of modern relationship dynamics and dating. So you can go back and listen to those wonderful shows. That would be an assignment of five, six, I think like seven shows total when you count my summary insights, taking out the insights I pulled from the interview shows, uh, and in John Gray’s book Beyond Mars and Venus, he talks about the challenges of modern times and the evolving cultural dynamics that are asking more from the primary love relationship than ever before. Because back in the day, even a generation or two generations ago, the male female roles were very much more rigid and defined. And so the male was out there as the breadwinner, dealing with the rough and tumble dog-eat-dog world of, uh, the, uh, commerce, the economy while the female was generally expected to be in the hme and, uh, being the nurturer and the caretaker. And these roles are aligned with our biological drives, uh, dating back to, uh, evolution and primal lifestyle.
Of course, almost everyone, not everyone, but almost everyone believes that to be a progress and a positive thing as society progresses out of these dated and narrow cultural roles. So now females are welcome in the workplace. They’re welcome in the law schools of the world. I think it’s like 53 or 54%, uh, attendance in college and in law school is female. So you know, more, more so than the male they’ve now taken over in these paths. Uh, they’re, they’re, you know, prominent in the workplace. I know there’s a, still a long way to go, but in a short time, uh, the females have come through and now we’re asked to, uh, perform in many different dynamics. And this makes for a lot of stress and difficulty in John Gray sites that the modern female who’s trying to be, um, a working mom and be that nurturer caretaker that she always will be in the home environment and go out there in the workplace and kick ass and rise up the management ladder, uh, to better, bigger and better things.
It can be overwhelming. Uh, he States there’s record rates of depression, anxiety, and prescription drug use among today’s female because of the pressure and the load coming from all directions. And, uh, on the male side, uh, all of a sudden in a recent, you know, recent decades, the man is asked to be more than just this solemn, uh, you know, resilient breadwinner that doesn’t have a lot of feelings or emotions is not someone who can, uh, be nurturing or connecting in that manner that the female craves and previously, because these roles were so constrained, uh, the female got her needs met in other areas like going and, uh, convening with other females in the same sort of, uh, cultural dynamic. And of course the males did the same. They’d go out with the boys after spending all day away from the family at work, then they’d go out and play in their bowling league and, and have some beers and watch sports and all these male, uh, supporting dynamics.
And now the females wondering when the hell are you going to get home? So I can vent to you about the stresses and pressures of my busy day. So John Gray, seeing that we have this big challenge, we need to try to be the best we can be with the inexorable progress of culture and the additional pressures that are put on, uh, males and females. And so what we want to do is nurture these biological drives so we can optimize hormones with, uh, good relationship practices. And so very quickly, because I have an entire show on the essential male and female assignments. The man’s assignment is to be a calm, cool, collected Kung Fu master in life. That’s right. You have to regulate your emotions more so than ever in ancient times, the man’s main role in a relationship was to protect the female from danger.
Uh, this would be predator, dangerous, starvation danger, right? The man, the tough guy was out there with the spear, uh, keeping female and the family and the clan safe. And today John Gray says the female’s main danger that she faces in modern life is the anger from the male and the mistreatment from the male. So the assignment is to never speak when you are experiencing a negative emotional charge. That’s right stuff it, man. Fake it till you make it. Go off and take what John Gray calls, cave time to replenish your testosterone and get back into your optimal mindset. I know this flies in the face of some modern relationship advice, where the man is supposed to be, uh, totally authentic and vulnerable and revealing and share your feelings. And John Gray just flat out refutes this. And he says, if a man says, for example, my feelings were hurt when you were talking to Gary a lot at the party and left me alone over there at the hors d’oeuvre table. When a man says, my feelings are hurt, it is quote death to a relationship. And I don’t know how much you want to take this away and reflect on it, but it really sung to me that we don’t need the back and forth of negative emotional charge, into the female realm.
On the female side, uh, females need to vent as part of their biological drive to connect. And so the man’s assignment is to allow the female to vent without offering advice or interrupting her. Now, it can’t be directed at the man cause that’s an unhealthy relationship dynamic, but the male-female closeness and connection will improve greatly. If the male can just engage the female in her need to converse and vent and tell a story, talk about her day. And the key factor there is to let her complete her journey through this, uh, verbal, uh, venting of, uh, relieving stress in that manner, uh, without interrupting, without offering advice.
And the problem is the male’s biological drive is to solve problems and help and be the hero in the story. So the man’s inclination is to interrupt the story and say, why don’t you just tell your boss that you need an additional week to complete the project, but that’s not what the female needs at those times. So you have to be very sensitive and aware that it’s time for a Venus talk and let the female do her thing. And she’ll feel better afterwards, even if it’s not your inclination to do that. When you’re facing stress and problems, you’re more likely to go off, be quiet and solve it in your own head. So we have to understand the differences in the sexes there. And then the female assignment is never ever nitpick because even tiny complaints will seem like a big deal to the man.
The man’s primary biological drive is to be the hero in the story and to be your, uh, your, your shining knight in shining armor. So minor complaints like, Hey, uh, the kitchen is still dirty. Can you do a better job? Hey, it would have been better to turn right back there instead of take this street. All these little nitpicks will turn out to be a huge deal for the man. So instead the assignment is to express everything as a preference. I love when you drive slow and mellow. It makes me feel so relaxed as opposed to can you slow down? Gosh, you’re driving me crazy. That kind of thing. And just rewording and being careful with your communication.
On to Wendy Walsh. And one of the interesting things she said in her most recent show was that today there’s no rules in relationship. This is the age of swiping on the screen to find a new mate, a new prospect. And so all these old things about commitment and till death do us part, these are, uh, dated notions that now deserve to be reframed and recalibrated. Another advice that really, um, resonated with me was that instead of till death do us part, maybe it’s more healthy for a relationship to recommit to decide to recommit every single day. So you don’t take the other person for granted. Oh boy. I mean, you think about abusive relationships where, um, there’s a disinclination to get out, even when the dysfunction is obvious due to these manufactured commitments that we see still hanging in there in modern life. But these are dated notions now, uh, referenced, uh, are represented very nicely by the ability to find a new mate so easily, unlike, uh, days of old. So, uh, Wendy Walsh also references how challenging it is to meet your partner’s needs and get your own needs met because the modern relationship is all consuming, uh, rather than the old days where the men had their boys to hang out with. The women, had their, uh, women nurturing sessions that they didn’t have to burden the man with a, so there’s a fine line to strike here.
And I guess that’s the advice or the thing to think about from Dr. Wendy, where she says too much autonomy means no intimacy. So we know those people traveling on parallel tracks, where the man has all kinds of outlets, things to nurture his testosterone. The female has her own life and the Venn diagram doesn’t really cross over at all. And so, uh, there’s the lack of intimacy there because they’re not sharing anything. However, on the other side, too much of union quote, too much union means fusion and that’s not healthy either. And in John Gray’s work, he talks about if you’re stuck together at the hip all day long, a lot of couples are working together. They’re talking through everything together. They’re not getting along a lot of breathing room and that can diffuse the sexual energy that’s necessary to preserve that excitement and that healthy intimacy for years and years, uh, John Gottman, one of the great relationship experts of all time, The Gottman Institute up in the Pacific Northwest author of many bestselling books and he and his wife, Julie are famous for their studies with healthy couples and their ability to predict divorce.
He studies, they studied long-term healthy couples. So people that report still being in love after 20 years and getting all these wonderful insights from them and also being able to quickly and easily identify dysfunctional patterns to the extent that they can predict divorce with like a 94% success rate or something. Oh, that would suck to be one of those people. You go up there, pay for a session and he says, yeah, you guys doomed. Okay. Thanks, bye. Uh, but anyway, if you can sit back and read some of his insights, uh, boy, it might be, you know, uh, life altering, transformative. Okay. Uh, the big one is, um, discover your own happiness and then bring that happiness and that stability to the relationship, rather than looking to a relationship to fill a void in you or to make you feel whole. John Gray said the same thing. He said something about you know, you’re responsible for 80% of your happiness yourself. And then looking for that final 20% through a relationship, sort of like a cherry on top of that wonderful, happy well-balanced well-adjusted base, where you’re comfortable being alone. And then you have something to contribute to a relationship rather than a different type of equation.
Okay. Uh, number two from John Gottman is to realize that you cannot change your partner. You will not be very successful in changing their basic nature, who they are, their behavior patterns, quote, most marital arguments cannot be solved because they emanate from fundamental differences in lifestyle, personality, or values. And Gottman says fighting wastes time waste, valuable time on fighting when you could have been talking about something else makes sense. And it also greatly harms the marriage. So a success of a marriage or a long-term partnership depends on the extent to which the male can accept the influence of the woman he loves and become socialized in emotional communication.
Huh? Uh, repeat please. Okay. Success depends on the extent to which the male can accept the influence of the woman he loves and become socialized in emotional communication. And let’s pause for a commercial, uh, asserting that these insights definitely work for same-sex couples. And you’re just talking about, let’s say the masculine or feminine energies and how those interact, uh, the yin and yang. So please, um, the, the pronouns used here are for convenience and perhaps in some cases from, uh, old time quotes, right before we got into this extreme sensitivity and political correctness. So hopefully, uh, same sex listeners can, uh, same-sex relationship listeners can appreciate it and then apply the insights correctly. Okay. Back to the show, Hey, uh, another Gottman in their day-to-day lives, uh, this healthy, successful couples have hit upon a dynamic that keeps their negative thoughts and feelings about each other, which all couples have, by the way, from overwhelming the positive ones. They have, what I call an emotionally intelligent marriage.
The point is that neuroses don’t have to ruin a marriage. If you can accommodate each other’s crazy side and handle it with caring, affection and respect, your marriage can thrive. Oh right. Wonderful, heavy insights there from all sides. Let’s do the best we can. Okay. All right. And don’t go changing me. Wait, that’s not the lyrics. Don’t go change in to try to please me. Don’t change me. Okay. I forget the lyrics. Anyway.
The number eight on the list is reprogramming your brain. I’m so inspired by my recent show with John Assaraf, mega best-selling author and internet personality. He has wonderful online courses. You can go to Brad, kearns.com, hit the shop page, and you’ll see a link over there with a special offer. And there’s all kinds of courses. Uh, one’s on a wealth mindset. One’s on procrastination. I’ve been meaning to do that one, but I haven’t had the time yet to do.
Iut it’s what he talked about in our show. His new book Innercise is about rewiring brain neurons, And the best way to do this, uh, you know, to, to build new habit patterns and new healthy mentalities and corresponding behavior patterns that get you out of these destructive patterns and these negative thoughts and emotions and, mistakes and ruts that you fall into. So it’s about rewiring brain neurons through the best way is through tiny actions that are doable and non-intimidating, I talked about my morning routine and tiptoeing in that direction with a short, easy, doable routine. That’s no trouble for you to do. That’s not overwhelming that you can commit to every single day without worrying about it or sweating about it. Okay. So it’s tiny actions that are doable and non-intimidating when you do it this way, rather than the grand lifestyle transformation plans that you proudly jot out on January 1st.
And then by April Fool’s day, they fallen through the cracks and fallen off the side. When you do it this small way, tiny actions, baby steps, what happens is you build confidence and you start thinking differently. You start thinking, yeah, no, maybe I got this after all. If you’re trying to write your first novel or write your memoirs and you make a commitment to writing a page a day, that’s not too hard who can’t write a page a day. Of course you can write a page a day, but a lot of people who are trying to write, get intimidated, thinking they have to finish this whole thing and, uh, you know, let it flow. And the prose just comes right off the keyboard. And all of a sudden you have 25 pages of beautiful finished work. It’s certainly not that way. Uh, I know that for a fact, because I’ve been fighting this battle in my mind and with my fingers on my keyboard for a long time. You just have to plug away and not be attached to the outcome or judge a day as good or bad, uh, by your production.
You just have to do your best and, and go forward and not worry about your motivation level or things that get in the way of just taking these tiny actions that are doable and non-intimidating. The great playwright, Neil Simon. had a strategy of writing a page a day. And so if you think about a feature movie or a feature length Broadway play lasting for about two hours, that’s 120 days. Uh, and maybe a little time for vacation. This is a guy who’s writing three awesome movies or plays every single year for a 25, 30 year run as one of the top playwrights screenwriters. That’s a lot of production, but if you break it down to a page a day, that’s, you know, pretty easy to do, right. Okay. Just a interesting insight. And, uh, when you take the tiny actions, you build confidence and it helps you start thinking differently.
The brain has neuroplasticity, which means that people actually can become rewired for success and positive energy. Ah, and boy, this is so important because, and this theme is really getting hot right now. I hear it on a lot of different podcasts. And in books, people are appointing to the flawed childhood programming that we experienced, especially from ages zero through seven when were a sponge for everything in our environment, including criticisms and teasing and traumatic experiences that we had, uh, especially when we’re talking about abuse and things that have a drastic destructive effect throughout life. But even the little tiny stuff that we don’t even remember, but it’s formed our opinions of ourselves and formed our behavior patterns. Bruce Lipton, I did an entire show honoring his work, uh, in books like the Biology of Belief. He contends and backs it up with science that the subconscious mind is running the show 93 to 98% of the time in daily life.
And that subconscious mind is informed by flawed childhood programming. So if we can awaken to this idea, acknowledge that all these different pattern behaviors that we have, the way we think and act about money, whether we’re a crazy spender with no responsibility or a miserly saver that charts all of our expenses and stresses about it nonstop. These are things that come from flawed programming, and there’s the ability to reprogram those with our neuroplastic brain. So this is the first step is to bring it into our awareness, right? That we’re running around like robots rather than being mindful and deliberate and intentional with all our behaviors. So you can listen to the John Assaraaf interview, but I love his gateway into becoming more mindful and aware and intentional, and he calls it the Take Six. And it’s just a matter of taking six deep diaphragmatic, intentional breaths when you experience stress.
And boy, if you can be that self-aware to kind of go there when you’re feeling like overwhelmed, whatever the form of stress is, maybe it’s a direct interaction with another person where you just have to take a breather, pause or walk out of the building or whatever’s going on if you’re having a tough day at work. So his Take Six strategy. If you read his book, it’s referenced in almost, uh, every, uh, assignment or challenge that he presents to you is you start by calming yourself. It’s he calls it, take six, calm the circuits, take six, calm the circuits. Uh, there’s so many other techniques that are covered by he and other leading experts in brain training. Um, that will help you things like affirmations positive self-talk, uh, the online email@example.com. There’s physical priming techniques. You might’ve heard these because Tony Robbins is huge on these, where you get up and expand your chest out and assume like a winning a powerful posture because posture physical posture is so important to your mental state. Uh, engage in diaphragmatic, breathing meditation and mindfulness trainings have such a great impact here.
Even subliminal tapes and some of those advanced things where you, you gotta be a believer of course. And if you’re not a believer, you’re absolutely right, because you don’t believe in it. You think it’s nonsense. Therefore it is nonsense. But if you want to be open to self-improvement, um, doing something like playing a subliminal tape or writing down an affirmation 10 times, even though it seems silly, these are things that have been shown to be effective in reprogramming your brain. Fun stuff. How about the vision boards and the mind movies? Have you heard of that? This is something that’s touted most notably by Joe Dispenza, another brain and peak performance expert. And the vision board is where you go into the magazines and you clip out cool things that are representative of your ideal lifestyle. And a lot of people tend toward the materialism here where they’re going to cut out a Ferrari, a big house, a vacation in Hawaii, and all these things, and then manifest things, manifest these things, uh, through the power of the mind.
And I think that’s the, uh, misinterpretation or the, uh, the knee jerk response to this silliness if you’re not engaged here. Uh, but as you will appreciate late in my show with Luke Story, I think he explained this beautifully, uh, this manifesting world and this manifesting movement. He made a good explanation that will get you more interested in the power of it and kind of cut through some of the baloney. And Luke basically said that you have to be in a state of gratitude in present time to be able to allow the manifesting to work. So if you’re a bummed and unhappy that you’re single or in a lousy relationship, and you dream of the man with the trim beard who, uh, arrives, uh, from his private jet and picks you up in his convertible Ferrari and brings you to the promised land.
That’s not going to work for you. But if you live in gratitude and you start to call in, uh, things that you believe you deserve, that’s when the stuff starts to get powerful. And we have to, you know, go in and do some personal work and realize deep down, there may be some blocks here that you’re not willing to admit or not aware of. And boy, this stuff is powerful. I know that going through my athletic experience and wishing I could win all the races and being upset and disappointed when I didn’t win, or when I made repeated training mistakes, such as an overtraining pattern, or maybe, uh, you know, if the swim was my weakest event and I resolved to get better at it. And then six months later, my, the swim is still my weakest event because I didn’t make the proper commitment to organize my life around the swim training, because I didn’t enjoy it as much as I did biking and running.
These kinds of things when they come out in the wash in a very, uh, intense and dramatic manner. When you’re talking about an athlete, you can’t hide behind a double-talk, as you might be able to in your career when your boss is putting heat on you and you blame it on somebody else, or you make excuses in your, in your own personal life, dealing with your finances or whatever it is, the justifications and rationalizations that play out in your brain. But as an athlete, you’re pretty much exposed and you get your ass kicked and you got to go home, and there’s no way to talk yourself out of, uh, uh, the reality. So I’ve, I’ve been a fan of that self exploration for a long time and the vision boards and the mind movies are things that can, um, can help you. If you look at it every single day or even a positive affirmation written on a three-by-five card of the person that you want to be.
So, uh, back to the, uh, relationship advice. John Gray urges you to be calm, cool, collected like a Kung Fu master and, uh, respond rather than be reactive and interrupting and, uh, full of advice and knowledge instead of just being a good listener. So you can write something like that on an index card and look at it every single day. And the next time your partner comes home and wants to vent. You might have a much better chance of sitting there and listening intently without offering advice or interrupting. Another great technique that we talk about in the new book, two meals a day is from Jack Canfield, the purveyor of the sensational Chicken Soup franchise, and a great peak performance expert. He does these mastermind courses in a lot of content online. That’s really helpful. And he says, these turnaround statements can be very helpful.
So if you identify these weaknesses and frailties and shortcomings that are driven by flawed childhood programming, there is a way to pull out of that by creating a turn-around statement and repeating it over and over. So if it has to do with irresponsible financial spending, you can create a turn-around statement. Like I am a highly aware of my expenditure patterns and committed to being more responsible. And you repeat that several times a day. It has an impact on your brain, and it brings you to a different realm than just this reactive, uh, mindless behavior where you’re noticing a pattern recurring over and over. Here’s the quote from Canfield. If you want to find happiness in life, put a muzzle on that inner critic and transform it into an encouraging, loving, positive inner coach, end quote, and Canfield acknowledging that the inner critic is incredibly destructive.
Research suggest that we talk to ourselves around 55, 50,000 times a day. So we have 50,000 internal thoughts every day. 80% of that self-talk is negative. So if you identify the belief that you would like to change, uh, determine which of these beliefs that you’re carrying around are limiting you and then decide how you would rather be actor feel that’s when you create the turnaround statement. Just like my example. Yeah. Implant that statement into your subconscious mind by repeating it for two to three minutes, several times a day, for a minimum of 30 days. Dave Rossi the Imperative Habit on this topic. When he says very simple, I love this one. I heard it in a seminar, and I said it was the most profound and awesome thing. He said all day, amongst many other awesome things. But he said, when you experience stress, fear, or pressure in daily life, you want to redirect your thoughts to your values and your vision. Turn the conversation and your mind over to values and vision, and then acknowledge that stress, fear, and pressure, our choices and these choices, the cause of making these choices with your thoughts is obsessing on an outcome or what you think others might think of you.
So if you can pull out of that pattern, which is so common, I think we all know we all experience stress, fear, and pressure, and these are choices caused by obsessing on the outcome. Come on. Now, there’s another way to do it. And Rossi even allows you or gives you permission to fake it til you make it if necessary. So maybe you are feeling financial pressure right now with COVID changing the economy and putting you in a squeeze, but you have to go back to your values and vision. So you know what you’re good at? Uh, you know, you can execute. You’ve had some success to reference in the past and you want to stick to the values and the vision of what you want to do, what contribution you want to make to the world, because, uh, obsessing and stressing about it is not going to earn you additional money.
It’s not going to improve your relationship to, uh, experience stress, fear, and pressure in relationship dynamics. Do something about it, fake it till you make it if necessary, uh, and getting rid of stuff like stress, fear, and pressure, eliminating stuff that makes you unhappy is what leads to happiness. Happiness is sitting there waiting for you is what Dave Rossi’s idea is. If you just get rid of the stuff that makes you unhappy, rather than going on this quest across the globe to seek happiness from jumping off of bridges with a bungee cord or flying in a helicopter over the beautiful rainforest of Kauai. That is great stuff, but it doesn’t lead to lasting happiness.
Another insight in this area is from the wonderful psychologist and bestselling author, Gay Hendricks in his book, The Big Leap. Hendrix advances, the compelling argument that each of us bump up against what he calls an upper limit in life. As Hendricks describes. This is an inner thermostat setting that determines how much love, success, and creativity we allow ourselves to enjoy that thermostat. That upper limit usually gets programmed in early childhood, back to the early childhood insights. Once programmed our upper limit thermostat setting holds us back from enjoying all the love, financial abundance, and creativity, that’s rightly ours end quote. This one’s pretty heavy. I think you can probably relate as there any examples that you can reference in your life where, uh, some amazing, great things happened and you did something somewhere along the way to sabotage it or to bring in more conflict and stress back into your life because you weren’t totally accustomed to a breakthrough of whatever it is. The research on lottery winners is stunning. I’m sure you’ve heard it off hand, but if you dig deep, uh, and discover that a massive percentage of them, uh, report losing all the money a few years, they lose their friends.
A lot of them get divorced. They have massive lifestyle upheaval. They’re not happy about it, but we all dream of winning the lottery. But the, uh, the occasion of, uh, getting a bunch of money that you didn’t earn is psychologically disturbing. And then bumping up against this upper limit, we kind of dig ourselves back into the hole that we’re familiar with, where we don’t allow ourselves to enjoy, uh, this, these breakthroughs on all levels. Same with, uh, relationships. There’s so many examples of people, uh, torpedoing or sabotaging relationships. I know one familiar one is, uh, you know, you meet somebody new and the guy is so nice to you and he gives you flowers and he’s not rude. And he doesn’t do any of the things that your, your old boyfriend did, or your old girlfriend making switch, whatever side you want to talk about.
Uh, and it’s like too good to be true, such that you bring in conflict because you’re more familiar with those patterns than the, uh, love and wonderful cotton candy type of lifestyle. So something to think about the upper limit. And then through heightened awareness and controlling your thoughts and making a turnaround statement, let’s bump up that upper limit. Yes, you’re allowed you deserve it. It’s how right.
And we end the show with number nine on the list, and that is taking baby steps. I mentioned that a little bit when I talked about the brain retraining item on the list. Uh, but this seems to be a huge recurring theme that I’m hearing more and more and more and more respect and appreciation for the idea of, instead of going for rapid transformation swinging for the home run. Instead, you just take baby steps that are positive, doable, and set a bunch of intermediate step goals rather than these giant goals.
So, uh, you know, there’s been a lot of, um, the financial wealth gurus talking about you too, a multi-millionaire. You just have to dream it and see it and buy a bunch of real estate, especially during down cycles. And then it will all appreciate, and you can leverage that and, and borrow more money and then cash out what, huh, wait a second. That’s not a reasonable and feasible for many people. So is there a way that you can become more financially responsible in a baby step? For example, is there a way, if you’re in a dysfunctional relationship with a lot of tension and stress and arguing and smoldering lingering, resentments and dysfunction, can you take a baby step forward and, you know, face off to your partner and say, Hey, I want you to know that I’m going to work on this aspect of our relationship, because I appreciate you.
And I hear you. And I’m sorry, I haven’t paid attention to that over the last 17 and a half years or whatever, you know, baby steps and then execute and come through, rather than just talking about it. I talked about my morning routine as a perfect example here, where it just escalated in degree of difficulty and commitment and time duration over time, but it was a very and comfortable progression. So when I decided to add on, uh, the pulling of the stretch cords at the end, cause everything’s pretty much lower body. Uh, and I said, okay, I’m going to add this on, but it took me probably a month to make a full commitment to it because I didn’t want to overwhelm myself or just stack on too many things. And so it has to come at natural and comfortable time. And maybe that means with dietary transformation that it’s going to take you longer than 21 days, like the subtitle says on the bestselling book, the Keto Reset Diet, and that’s quite all right cause if you open the pages and read further, it says, Hey, maybe your 21 day keto reset is going to be a 42 day keto reset.
And that’s absolutely fine and understandable and do what works for you. But you have to continue to progress and not look back and not plunge into those dysfunctional patterns caused by setting yourself up for failure by taking on too much. So baby steps, baby steps is the key in every area of life. Thank you so much for listening to these series of shows and I hope they help us all raise our upper limits, unwind flawed childhood programming, smash through those dysfunctional relationship dynamics, optimize your diet and your exercise and your movement program and everything else. Good luck to you. Send me some feedback at firstname.lastname@example.org. Email: podcastatbradventures.com and maybe have some Q and A material for a followup show or constructive feedback. Love to hear from all of you. We read everything and analyze it, and we’re just trying to do the best we can here. Thank you for being on the ride on the B.rad Podcast.
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