(Breather) After our awesome interview where Dave detailed the content of his new book, The Imperative Habit, I kept the mic running and captured some precious off the cuff commentary about how to stay focused on the seven habits when you need them most – when dealing with relationship conflict, facing tough interactions at work or in personal life, or experiencing anger and frustration.
Dave talks about how you can use compassion and kindness to communicate your wants and needs and accomplish goals; how to live in acceptance and gratitude, but without getting taken advantage of: “You can say no with love and compassion,” Dave says. It’s a great little tidbit to close the book on the wide-ranging insights from our full-length interview.
TIMESTAMPS:
When dealing with conflict, observations are not defensive, and stating your goals is not defensive. [04:42]
Sometimes it is the lack of awareness, not a value system that keeps you from doing something. [07:51]
LINKS:
QUOTES:
- “Our awareness is a lot more powerful than our values.”
- “It’s not events that make us upset or angry, it’s our belief in them that does.”
LISTEN:
Get Over Yourself Podcast
Brad (00:08):
Welcome to the get over yourself podcast. This is author and athlete, Brad Kearns, discovering ways to be healthy, fit and happy in hectic, high-stress, modern life. So let’s slow down and take a deep breath. Take a cold plunge and expertly balance that competitive intensity with an appreciation of the journey. That’s the theme of the show. Here we go.
Brad (03:09):
Okay, here we go with the breather show from Dave Rossi, author of the Imperative Habit and my guest for a wonderful full length interview where he talks about using his seven steps toward living a life of happiness and grace and peace of mind and getting out of those reactive behaviors that caused such destruction for ourselves and in our relationships. But Hey, it all sounds great when Dave’s talking up a storm on the show. And then when you have these situations in real life where you’re dealing with a conflict, perhaps a relationship conflict or any tough situations such as in the workplace or when you’re experiencing anger and you’re trying to keep your head about ya and not let it ruin your day or break down loving, peaceful relationships and smooth interactions.
Brad (04:02):
So this is Dave talking about how to use the seven habits, how to put them to work and live in acceptance. Uh, but without getting walked on. So, right, we can’t just accept everything and be a doormat for people with lower levels of consciousness, lower vibrational levels to come and mess with our day because we’re so graceful and mindful and living in acceptance. So there’s a fine line and little nuance here. So we get a little raw and unplugged here. Listening to Dave talk about how to use the seven habits when you most need them. Enjoy
Dave (04:42):
Whatever comes out will be a thousand times better than if you don’t follow those rules.
Dave (04:47):
Right.
Dave (04:48):
Compassion is not rolling over. It’s an understand where you are. I get it. You’re, you’re upset. I understand that. I’m really sorry you’re upset. I hope I can help you with you, but this is what I was trying to achieve. These are my objectives. These are my goals. Not defensive. Observations are not defensive. Stating your goals. You’re not defensive. Disagreeing is not defensive. Saying no is not, not giving love and compassion. You can say no with love and compassion. So you finished the book?
Brad (05:18):
Uh, yeah, but you know what, I, I had to read it too quickly, so I’m going to read it all over again. Mia Moore and I will probably read it together, uh, but you know, to get it, uh, get it absorbed. And then I take notes and I have, you know, notes from books put into the Brad master thing. A lot of them are like fitness and training and diet things. But then I have, you know, John Gray’s assignments and Deepak’s for, uh, what does he call the, um, uh, his four daily intentions that he reminds himself of every day in meditation. And, uh, it’s, you know, it’s a lot going in and I think most people don’t have time to deal. So, um, you know, what, what you do with extracting these, um, these seven laws is really important because, you know, we have a fighting chance at remembering those, especially if you write them down on a sticky note and tapping into it.
Dave (06:08):
Yeah. I remember this, the checklist I remembered, I would have literally, my ex wife would call me, you’re an asshole and fuck you for doing this. And I go, okay, I love and compassion except don’t argue you don’t offend. You know, and then I’d say, what could I say? Honey, I’m so sorry that you hate me.
Brad (06:25):
Sorry for your pain. Was that your quote from Deepak or I just saw it today. I don’t know what he said. Um, uh, it helps to understand that people are doing the best they can from their level of consciousness.
Dave (06:38):
The book is a collection of all these other people’s books. Um, the chapter on relationships is actually pretty good too.
Brad (06:43):
Oh yeah, we’ll do a whole show on that, man. That’s our, that’s our bread and butter here. So,
Dave (06:47):
Well did you read the example about leaving a towel on the floor? I mean that’s all about relationships and people do things that piss you off. And how do you deal with that?
Brad (06:56):
Yeah, John Gray just talked about that. But I did a show with him last week and, um, his wife bug bug the crap out of him leading left this light on in the living room and it was a pretty powerful exchange cause he said, you know, today I’m pretty good. I go turn that light off. And I, he thinks of his wife died after 40 year relationship. He’s still struggling and traumatized. But you know, um, he said that when this shit happens, it’s really, um, different value system. And I go, can I say that out loud? That’s awesome. He goes, no, don’t say that out loud. You think that to yourself? Like, you know, I’m, I’m uh, I’m leaving stuff on the ground because I’m, what’s on my screen is more important. Right? Or whatever, whatever. That’s your value system. But someone else, they feel like they become your maid. Uh, but if, you know, if we can think of that outwardly, like that’s just a different values that Dave, Dave Rossi, he’s laid all the time. I waited seven minutes for him at the coffee shop. This has a different value system. It’s not, you know, it’s not, it’s not,
Dave (07:51):
well, yes and no. I would say this, um, number one, what do I deal with with anger is a quote from Epictetus, which is, is not event that makes us upset or angry. It’s our belief in them that does. A lot of reasons why you’re leaving the towel on the floor or leaving the light on is a lack of awareness. It’s not necessarily values. It’s literally your brain is busy and full. And that fullness, that chatter, that was too many apps on your phone in your head prevent you from focus being present and awareness.
Brad (08:31):
Well, a kid, frontal lobes not even developed till age 25. They have an excuse, Hey, I’m a kid. I can’t think of towels.
Dave (08:38):
Yeah. So I don’t entirely agree with Dr. Gray that it’s values. It would be values. If you stopped, you were aware and said I can be late cause I have a value system that I can be late. No one ever is going to say I value being late. Okay. They might say I have a priority that’s greater doing. Maybe that’s values, maybe that’s what he means. But ultimately if you’re aware, if you have a high level of awareness and you’re running and exercising and you’re saying, you know, my priorities have finished my run for the next 10 minutes and it’s okay being late. Okay. If you have an awareness, you might say, you know, I got myself here, I made this commitment, I value Dave’s time, I’m going to cut my run 10 minutes short and be on time. I don’t know. So I think awareness is a lot more powerful than, than values. You might end up saying, fuck it, I’m going to be 10 minutes late cause that’s my priority is to finish my run and this meeting isn’t that important. That’s okay. Yeah,
Brad (09:38):
that’s okay. Or I, you know, I don’t like the uh, oftentimes stressful, uh, aspects of being on time, like a little time machine. And so I make that conscious decision that I’m just not gonna whatever race through traffic or rush through the house and forget something and get into that high stress mode just to be there at nine o’clock instead of nine Oh four so that’s kind of my value system and some people that came from military or whatever, they think being on time is everything and being five minutes late is a form of disrespect. That’s their value system projected on me. It’s, I mean, no disrespect to arriving at nine Oh five to my meeting with the former military guy, you know?
Dave (10:18):
Well that’s what you use your checklist. I’m so sorry this upset you. I didn’t do this to upset you. It wasn’t my intention to make you less important. Also, if you knew that about yourself, then you create a situation to be kind. Hey, I know we’re going to meet at nine. I just needed to let you know that I am really sorry if I’m late, but sometimes I get overwhelmed with things and there’s a possibility that I might be like, I just, you know, it’s his folder. That’s awareness, right? That’s an awareness.
Brad (10:51):
Yeah. I think what works for me in those difficult relationships is if you can catch yourself from saying anything because you know it’s going to get pounced on, you know? Especially if you have a longterm programming where two people are like to go at it and you say, I’m sorry I’m late. What was the reason? Why were you late? I’m just so sorry. I have no reason and no excuse.
Dave (11:14):
There’s two reasons to give them that give them the ability to pounce and that’s being defensive and arguing. That’s why the checklist is don’t offend and don’t argue because you don’t want to give them ammunition because it doesn’t matter what the reasons were that you’re late, they’re just upset. So you rush in to make them feel better. Not defend or argue. Like prior, I used to say, you shouldn’t be upset. I’m going to argue with you. You shouldn’t be upset for these reasons. And that was a big part of my composition was arguing and there was, and I couldn’t get them to change their mind. Right?
Brad (11:52):
Yeah, because Dave Rossi always right and why the fuck.
Dave (11:55):
I care I want unkind. You shouldn’t be upset cause I’m doing good things.
Brad (11:58):
Right.
Dave (11:59):
You just don’t have all the right information instead of, I’m so sorry you’re upset. I understand you’re upset. It doesn’t matter why you’re upset, you’re still upset and I care about you and how can I make it up to you instead of, Hey, these are the reasons why in a year, I completely, totally agree with you. A hundred percent on that don’t. You don’t need to get the results, right. It doesn’t matter.
Dave (12:20):
Thank you for listening to the show. We would love your feedback at getoveryourselfpodcast@gmail.com and we would also love if you could leave a rating and a review on iTunes or wherever you listen to podcasts. I know it’s a hassle. You have to go to desktop, iTunes, click on the tab that says ratings and reviews and then click to rate the show anywhere from five to five stars. And it really helps spread the word so more people can find the show and get over themselves cause they need to. Thanks for doing it.
