(Breather)After my interview with Jonathon Aslay came to an end, I couldn’t help but slide in one last question. And I’m glad I did because that one question led to this breather show!
We talk briefly about Mark Manson’s book, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck (check out Mark’s appearance on the podcast here), which Jonathon praises for its strong message about empowerment and taking responsibility for your life. Jonathon actually has a chapter in his own book that echoes a similar sentiment, called “Don’t Let Anyone Fuck With Your Chi,” and he gives us insights into how beneficial it can be to learn how to let go of your attachment to the outcome of whatever it is you’re doing. As a former athlete, this seriously resonated with me.
Jonathon also talks about the different stages of evolution we all experience as human beings and pokes a little fun at himself while also demonstrating a lot of self-awareness, revealing the not-so-flatting nickname he has coined for the “righteous” version of himself. The show wraps up with a discussion about the importance of doing things for the joy of experiencing them alone, and he explains the concept of “grounded spirituality” and what “spiritual bypasses” are.
Release your self-esteem from the attachment to the outcome of what you are doing. [01:16]
There are different stages with any human evolution. [04:45]
Learn how your self-worth comes into play when dating. Don’t be afraid. Date from your heart instead of the biological place. [07:17]
- Brad Kearns. com
- What the Heck is Self-Love Anyway?
- The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck.
- Jonathon Aslay
- If the Buddha Dated
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Brad (1m 16s): Hey listeners, here’s a fun breather show. Keeping the mic on after my wonderful interview with Jonathan Aslay and we got to talking. So I said, you know what, let’s make this a breather show. Because I asked him a question about the distinction between the goal of healing childhood trauma rebuilding, or building up some self-worth some self-esteem and then heading out into the dating scene with that self love as a starting point, which was kind of the theme of the show and learning how to strike a healthy balance between that and that Zen existence of being mindful. And like Mark Manson says, seeing your life as a series of decisions and actions and releasing your self-esteem from attachment to the outcome of what you’re doing. Brad (2m 3s): And I think that’s kind of the, the recurring theme of the podcast as evidenced by the title, get over yourself and my mission to maintain passion and competitive intensity throughout life, but releasing your self esteem from attachment to the outcome. So you go out there being fearless, going for it, giving it your all, and all those things are allowed and okay, but not having this ego connection where we’re inflated and deflated. And I relate to my athletic experience where it became so important and I was so driven and wanting to succeed so badly that that mindset served to harm me at many times, rather than just going with the flow, enjoying my life, appreciating the challenge and taking what my body gave me every day as an athlete and letting the process of improvement happen naturally. Brad (2m 51s): So there’s a huge difference. And you can apply the insight to parenting to your career goals, all these things that we face in life, these challenges where we’re measured and judged from outside forces, and of course tend to take these things on and own them. So I think you’ll like this little chat with Jonathan Aslay as a nice piggyback to the wonderful show about dating and healing childhood trauma. Here we go. Open mic night. Oh yeah. I was going to ask you off the, off the show about Mark. Manson’s take on some of this stuff. Jonathan (3m 26s): Oh, I was going to mention the book, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck. I love that. In fact, one of my chapters in my book is called Don’t Let Anyone Fuck with Your Chi. But I, I love his take on life because it’s, it’s really, it’s, it’s the empowered, I’m taking responsibility of my life approach, right? And it’s about personal empowerment. And that’s what I, I like his, his work, his content. Brad (3m 54s): But some of my notes from him, I think it was the second book. Everything is Fucked, a book about hope. And he said that you want to, I guess, eventually evolve away from cultivating this precious self-worth and just be, and just see your life as a series of decisions and actions. And one of the, I think quotes was self-worth is an illusion. And it’s a form of persistent low level narcissism to cultivate self-esteem and self-worth, and it’s like, wow, that’s pretty heavy. And I can see how it’s applied to the spiritual enlightenment, where you’re just present all the time and you don’t have an ego involved in any way. And I think it can get misinterpreted when you’re dealing with childhood wounds and fucking up your dates because you keep bringing out these, these flaws, but you know, it made sense to me reading it. Brad (4m 45s): You know. Jonathan (4m 45s): I, I like to think of it as there’s different stages of evolution with any human being and right. You’re allowed, there is like one stepping stone to the next and the next, the next, I, I would say I bought I’m by the way, I have a self-righteousness in my scripting. I mean, there is a, there is a part of Jonathan who thinks he’s both stupid and righteous. I call it stupid righteous, Jack. I’m aware of this aspect of my personality. And so, and I’m now aware when it ruin it rears its ugly head. Sometimes it’s in that righteousness that I’m awaken or conscious or whatnot or self, but I look at it this way and you said it what you said and what he says is so important. Jonathan (5m 29s): It’s just about the more present we are to just the moment that, you know, each moment in our life, then we don’t have to judge what that looks like. We’re just experiencing life and that is truly living a life of Zen. So that’s, I’m just working towards it. I’m not even remotely there, but at least those stepping stones to starting with my worth because here’s sadly, a lot of people have zero self-worth. So at least get on the stepping stone of self-worth. And then after that you can reach another level of presence. Let’s say at least that’s my opinion anyway. Brad (6m 3s): Yeah. I mean it’s, I mean, zero would be okay. I think a lot of people have negative self-worth Jonathan (6m 10s): Oh yeah. Brad (6m 11s): They issue, you know, self-flagellate Tori statements and, you know, traffic in this nonsense that, you know, that, that sets them up. They’re behind the starting line before the race starts. And I guess so if you can get into the positive category and then realize that it’s not a big deal and I’m kind of referencing, you know, I used to be an athlete back when I was a professional triathlete and racer and Oh my gosh, it was so important. And I was so caught up in it cause I was a young guy and I wanted to do well, but I realized the more I got caught up in the self-importance of what I was doing and attaching myself esteem to, to the outcome of the race. That’s when I would struggle and suffer and make bad decisions and force the process of fitness to happen before it should. Brad (6m 54s): And if I was able to get to a position where I was just in love with what I was doing and going out there for the joy of the experience and not judging it, in other words, kind of putting myself worth on the back burner for a little bit. And just being someone who could get on the starting line and compete and not be afraid, I guess that’s what this would go. I’m still recording. So I might use this as like a breather show, cause we’re getting into some good stuff Jonathan (7m 17s): but like, if you can go on that first date and not be afraid of anything, you know, not be afraid of being totally rejected by an asshole, then you’re a little bit freer than someone who’s harboring this, this, you know, this kind of fragile self worth, who the self, the self worth is doing really good. Cause they went to three separate therapy sessions that week and had a coaching call and then they sit down and someone says, Oh, you’re fatter then you look up on your picture and then it boom that the bubble burst because they’re in the process of building up self-worth from, from being negative self-worth. Brad (7m 55s): Yeah, Jonathan (7m 56s): That’s a tough one. Well, I think of the book four agreements and one of the books that I do my best to don’t take that shit. But have you read, are you familiar with Jeff Brown? Brad (8m 9s): No. Jonathan (8m 9s): He wrote a book called Grounded Spirituality and this, it kind of actually, he kind of rejects some of the philosophies of Eckhart Tolle and others, because many people are doing a spiritual bypass or what you’re sharing with what Mark Manson shared. And it’s really getting into the roots of, of spirituality from the perspective of healing oneself. Brad (8m 32s): So what’s the spiritual bypass. What does that mean? Jonathan (8m 38s): Some people have this belief that if the world is in the loop, this would be more like the course of miracles, which I, I, I follow as well, but the world is an illusion kind of the matrix. Right? Some people give themselves a pass to treat others like shit, because this is all an illusion. So hence the spiritual bypass. So, and I’m kind of giving you the cliff note version of it, but it definitely not, but, and I want to eliminate, but from my language, right, right. Except for B U T T. And so these are just some but not, but, and the principals I do my best to live was four agreements from a dating perspective as well. Jonathan (9m 21s): Oh, by the way, there’s another great book called If the Buddha Dated. If the Buddha Dated and that really takes out the gender equation and is how can you date from your heart? How can you date from this place instead of the biological place that we’ve been so accustomed. So that’s another thing I try to emulate as well. Brad (9m 43s): Love it, man. Good stuff. Jonathan (9m 44s): Yeah. Brad (9m 44s): I think we got a little breather show for the, for the follow-up. Yeah, Jonathan (9m 49s): by the way, like I said, great interview, man. Thanks a bunch. Brad (9m 52s): Thanks Jonathan. Have a great day. All right. Jonathan (9m 54s): And as soon as this is out, I’ll promote on social media. I’ll let you know. Brad (9m 58s): Okay. Jonathan (9m 58s): Thanks buddy. Bye-bye thanks. Bye. Now.