(Breather) Today, I’ll be sharing some amazingly effective and extremely thought-provoking insights about interpersonal relationships from true experts in their field. From parenting to friendship to how to deal with your partner on days when you have zero patience, there are definite Do’s and Don’ts to consider when it comes to how you communicate and treat the people closest to you.
Luckily, I’ve had the pleasure of having relationship expert (and Time magazine’s Co-Person of the year in 2017!) Dr. Wendy Walsh on Get Over Yourself twice (see show #1 here and show #2 here). Wendy is an evolutionary psychologist and a true trailblazer who also hosts her own podcast called Mating Matters. And, like John Gray, Wendy is aware of the contrast between how little we have evolved biologically and how much gender roles have seriously evolved over time.
In this show, you’ll learn the three things a man looks for in a woman (big surprise, #1 is youth and beauty) and the three things women look for in a man, as well as why wearing perfume can actually sabotage your chances of attracting a mate! I’ll also touch on why emotional self-sufficiency is key and the four attributes of winning relationships as defined by Wendy, the first one being physical attraction. Turns out nothing can replace having good ‘ol fashioned chemistry with someone! And while most people tend to assume that that “spark” that you and your partner first experience in the beginning of your relationship is simply not sustainable long-term, then you’re in for a big surprise. This show will teach you why Dr. John Gottman says it is possible to preserve that romantic spark between you and your partner years down the line, and the actions you can take to ensure this.
I’ll also talk about the (inverse) power of praise when it comes to parenting your children, why it is important to step away from the “helicopter” parenting trend and not coddle your kids too much, as well as the specific thing my son said to me that really opened my eyes and perspective on parenting. You’ll learn what causes children to be “metabolically and medically accelerated” into adulthood and start to develop diseases like Type 2 Diabetes, fatty liver, and high cholesterol, and why downtime is incredibly important. While it is good for your kids to have activities they enjoy doing, it is never a good idea for them to be constantly busy, distracted, and stimulated. Believe it or not, daydreaming and play are not a waste of time, but in fact, the opposite.
I wrap up the show by using a golfing metaphor to describe the balance of the parent-child dynamic and talk about the importance of setting boundaries for your kids, as well as how you can balance letting go of the need to control your children’s lives while also offering unconditional love and support.
Thanks for listening, and stay tuned for more expert advice in part 2 of this episode!
This show is about interpersonal relationships starting with Dr. Wendy Walsh who describes what men and women want from one another. [06:11]
The roles have changed so much for men and women in today’s society. [09:11]
Men’s criteria to look for in a woman is youth and beauty, loyalty, and kindness. [10:40]
Women look for resources, intelligence, and kindness. [13:40]
What are the four attributes of a winning relationship? [16:35]
Studies have shown that the natural scent that a person gives off has much to do with the attraction. [18:24]
Learn to express yourself with loving kindness. [19:31]
Empathy is number three on the list for making a good relationship. [21:38]
Impulse control goes hand in hand with emotional regulation. [22:18]
As highly motivated parents, we often push our children to start acting like adults. [22:58]
Even in the most affluent populations, people still suffer from FOMO. [24:24]
The high-stress life of trying to give the kids every opportunity has accelerated the development of diseases in children that were not appearing in children years ago. [27:18]
Take a deep breath, relax, sit back, and let your kid discover the world with them in the driver’s seat. [30:31]
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Get Over Yourself Podcast
Brad: Hello, my lovely listeners. Brad (1m 52s): Thank you so much for your support and interest in the show. I am having a wonderful time. It’s been over 200 episodes, maybe 210, 215 by now, here in late summer, 2020. And boy, it’s just been really great to connect those of you who take the time to email, email@example.com and provide any and all feedback. It’s really nice. So would love to hear from you in any way, shape or form in particularly in leaving a review on iTunes or wherever you consume podcasts would be a huge help to the show so that more people find it, spread the word. Brad (2m 32s): I have this awesome podcast playing app called pod bean that allows you with the push of a button to create an audio clip lasting from 30 seconds up to a maximum of two minutes. And so you actually make a file on the go while you’re listening to a show. If you like something and it’ll save, and then you can text it to a friend and they can play the clip regardless of how they play podcasts. You don’t have to have the, the same application that you created it with, but then when they hear the clip, they’ll be inspired to go to their podcast player and subscribe. So it’s all about subscribe, subscribe, subscribe, and also the email newsletter that we put out at bradkearns.com. Brad (3m 16s): I would love for you to subscribe to that. It gives a wrap-up of the published shows every single week to keep you up to date. And also we do a fabulous second newsletter. Occasionally with some lengthy articles, that’ll help you put, make some sense of the content on the show, get it in another medium in the written word. And that’s been really well received too. So hopefully you’re on board with subscribing. And when you subscribe at bradkearns.com, you get a whole bunch of super awesome, cool free PDF downloads, including long cuts to a longer life, including becoming a modern day MOFO. We have some recipe on ehandouts. Brad (3m 59s): You’ll get whole nice collection easy to download at the push of a button. All you gotta do is subscribe to the email newsletter. Make sure it doesn’t go in your spam folder either. Pull that puppy out of promotions. If you’re using Gmail and you hit a button once and you move it over to the primary inbox, and then it says, do this for all future newsletters from Brad Kearns. And you say, yes, and then you’re locked in. I know life’s busy. The inbox is busy. Mine is too. But for those people who can make it through the gate, I’m trying to be one of those people and put out a really quality product with my wonderful team of many, many people behind this podcast. So hopefully you can appreciate the hard work that we’re doing, trying to do our best and make it a community effort. Brad (4m 43s): So we’d love to hear from you accordingly. This show is called Insights from Experts, part one: relationships and parenting, stuff like that. I have a whole nother show set up will be insights from experts. Part two, where we’re talking about biohacking and health optimization. But this is the touchy feely stuff that I am committed to, including in with the picture of all the things that I’ve been focusing on in the work realm for many years. Talking about diet and exercise and fitness and sleep and all this great stuff. But if the other stuff ain’t working good behind the scenes, then what’s the point of optimizing your diet when you’re being a Dick to your wife or girlfriend? Brad (5m 27s): That’s my mission assignment. Number 10 on the MOFO mission. Quit being a Dick to your wife or girlfriend. Just as important as doing those high intensity workouts and getting the crap food out of your diet and so forth. So since we’re in the world of short attention span, instant gratification, this is a compilation of brief insights from an assortment of experts. Most of them have been guests on the podcast. So I’m pulling from the great database that we have from the many interviews over the past 220 shows. Some of it’s also from reading articles or people that I haven’t quite yet landed to get on the podcast. So hopefully you’ll be inspired to go back and listen to some of the shows of the people I mentioned. Brad (6m 12s): So the content here and this show interpersonal relationships, especially your romantic relationship, family, life raising children. And the first one comes from the soundbite queen herself. It’s Dr. Wendy Walsh. She’s been a two time guest on the show. She was time magazine co-person of the year in 2017, for her role in the MeToo movement. She was the first person to call out Bill O’Reilly. And then the avalanche came crashing down after that. When everyone realized that he had a pattern of harassing behavior to his female coworkers. And Wendy was someone that got pushed aside by Fox. She used to be a regular guest talking about relationships and all of a sudden she wasn’t on anymore. Brad (6m 55s): And it’s possibly because she turned down an overture from Bill O’Reilly. So nothing happened, right? And so she didn’t get a multi-million dollar settlement and have to sign a nondisclosure as up to 24 women believed to have done for tens of millions of dollars of payouts to keep things quiet so Bill O’Reilly could continue with his way word ways. But Wendy Walsh to use four W’s in a row was free to speak and say what happened about the, the fateful night when she didn’t feel like doing the Bill O’Reilly thing. And then suddenly she was off Fox. And that led the, the wonderful journalists and investigators further down the road to see what was going on. So what a hero when to step up like that and helped shape culture and help progress it toward more respectable behavior, especially in the people in positions of power. Brad (7m 46s): So right now she has a great show on iHeartRadio called Mating Matters. You can’t miss the distinctive purple show and logo. And I think these shows are landing in about the 30 minute range. So it’s quick, it’s really beautifully produced with a sound bites and sound effects. So it’s really nice. Unlike the traditional long form podcast, it’s a really beautiful production. And I think you’ll love going over there and subscribing. So she’s an evolutionary psychologist and she blends her academic background. She actually still teaches school at Cal State University Channel Islands. I know this because a substitute taught for her on one evening when she couldn’t make it. Brad (8m 27s): So I rolled into class with the kids and boy did, we have a lot of fun. Wendy gave me a whole syllabus and lesson plan and I stuck to it to about 5%. And then they under other 95% was having all kinds of fun and real life engagement with these kids about all kinds of matters, somewhat related to the class. And I’d love to do it again, Wendy, if you give me permission, even though I kind of strayed from the template, Oh, we walked around the courtyard, we did some stretching and outdoor things. People had no idea what was going on that night on campus. But anyway, so Wendy’s deep into the research and freely references, a lot of great research studies when she’s talking about a relationship. Brad (9m 12s): So her expertise is kind of the modern day relationship deal. And she has a show on Los Angeles radio. I think it’s KFI where she does dating talk and, and things of that nature. Okay. So, and you can go and listen to both of our shows, but one thing that she identifies also, John Gray has been talking about this a lot too, is how our gender roles have evolved so quickly from even a generation ago where we had these traditional masculine and feminine roles. Many of us of a certain age can reference even our parents who were so different than today’s world, where usually it was the male out in the workplace, nine to five, put on the suit and tie, come back, loosen up the tie, sit in the easy chair, have a beer, watch TV. Brad (9m 60s): The, the, the woman is working hard to prepare meals and be a homemaker for the most part. And everything was simple and easy, just like on the TV show sitcoms. And now the females are out in the workplace enforced. They’re expected to be asskickers in the masculine and testosterone dominant influences of the workplace. And they’re expected to be that nurturer caretaker that is the, the baseline of their primary biological drives. And then meanwhile, the man, instead of just sitting back and being gruff and not really being an emotional, sensitive, vulnerable being is expected to be all dat and to meet all the needs of the female. Brad (10m 40s): And it gets tricky. So the two John Gray shows talk about that in detail, how we can navigate these things as well as Wendy Walsh offers some great insights. And one thing that I pulled out of our first show, which was really interesting, was relating to the dating scene and the, the mating courtship matchmaking. This is from a scientific study, the top three things that a man looks for in a female partner, a female prospect, number one is youth and beauty. Surprise, surprise. Why are all the advertising world sexualized in the nature of that, it is, is because that’s playing on the males, primary biological drive. Brad (11m 28s): And that is the biological drive to reproduce with someone young and fertile enough to bear your fruit. Hey, don’t laugh because this is still embedded in our biology. Even know we’re trying to evolve out of these ridiculous and dated notions. So even if you’re in the over 50 years old in a midlife crisis mode, and you have no intention of reproducing, your biology kicks in, and you’re drawn to females who are an average of eight years younger than you are on dating sites. What’s up with that? yes, your intellectual brain can overcome that and make a reasonable decision. Maybe I’ll like someone my own age better because we’ll remember the same songs in the same movies, but deep down, that’s something that I guess either to honor and respect or make a concerted effort to manage and overcome, if you think it’s silly. Brad (12m 22s): Right? Okay. So that’s number one is we are driven to be attracted to youth and beauty. Number two on the list is loyalty. And number three is kindness. So Wendy goes into detail on the show about why loyalty rises so far up the ranking list, but it dates back again to this evolutionary psychology whereby until very, very recent times, we could never be sure if we were the true father of the woman’s offspring, right? So she might’ve got knocked up by somebody else. And so we want that loyalty to make sure that she is indeed bearing our offspring instead of trying to go get fertilized by people from the neighboring clan to keep it back in the ancestral example. Brad (13m 10s): Okay? So it’s youth and beauty, loyalty, whatever that looks like today, it’s still driving you. That’s the point that Wendy’s trying to make. So whether you want to judge this to be a ridiculous or, you know, chauvinist or whatever, this is what’s happening from the, the biological side. And now it’s time to go think about the three things that women look for in a man. Again, something to be aware of, something to be amused by, something to manage, as it plays out with rearing its pretty head or its ugly head, either one. So number one for the women is resources. This is because females have a deep biological drive to be protected by their man to feel secure. Brad (13m 53s): And that is all about having resources. If you transpose this insight into today’s world, you are looking for the man with the Ferrari and with the bling and whatever else gives you that message, whether it’s his boat parked in the Marina or what have you. That is a deep biological drive of yours even if you’re a super duper modern day female with your six figure income and your independent streak. You’re fiercely independent streak that you don’t need. No man for nothing. It’s still in there. And you want to be aware of that and manage it. So number two, on the list after resources is intelligence, why is intelligence so far up there? Brad (14m 33s): Interestingly it’s because it indicates that a man who loses his resources, who has a bad hunting winter or whatever is going to be smart enough to go and acquire more resources. So resources and intelligence paired together, honoring that deep biological drive to be protected. Wendy says, interestingly, that sense of humor usually plays out as number one or way up there on the list of things that people put on their dating profiles as their a list of important attributes. But sense of humor is really a proxy for intelligence because the sense of humor requires having that sharp wit and ability to think on your feet and so forth. Brad (15m 14s): And then number three, interestingly is kindness. So what does that have a nice thing to say about the human race that both the man and the women are looking for that kindness. When they’re trying to find a mate. I also like some of other categorizing and lists that Wendy offered up on our show together and she categorizes the, the male prospect into three different categories. And this is sort of a, a word of caution for females to make good choices and see through what’s going on. Sometimes when we’re swept away in a whirlwind romance, we want to position these men into one of the three categories so we can choose wisely. Number one is the boy toy. Brad (15m 54s): She says, it’s good for booty calls, but this guy’s often living in mom’s basement, playing video games. Number two is the player and the player is not interested or mature enough to make a true commitment, both number one. And number two might be a very attractive male person with the six pack and the charm and the Ferrari and the good manners and all that great stuff. But deep down, you can see where it’s headed and it ain’t headed in a good place. And finally, number three behind door. Number three is attractive partner with monogamous inclinations. And what Wendy says about this category is guess what, ladies, these guys get scooped up quick. Brad (16m 35s): So a bear that in mind, if you’re paying attention and favoring talent in the other two categories, you may be missing out on that prospect who can categorize as an attractive partner with monogamous inclinations. Now, when you found your partner and you’re working on it, trying to make things work, trying to be the best you can be with each other. Wendy offers you four attributes of winning relationships. And number one is physical attraction. You have to have that chemistry. And if that’s not there, that’s going to set you up. Probably not gonna make it past the, the, the early days, right? You have to have that, that initial draw that keeps things really strong and you are able to bond over, I believe, it’s a two year period referenced by people like dr. Brad (17m 24s): John Gottman, where the first two years is all about chemicals. And then the chemicals kind of settle down and you have to start looking for common ground and bonding that will form the foundation for a winning long-term relationship, which by the way, again, from the Gottman Institute, the great research that they put out there, it is possible to preserve that romantic spark, that lovely flame that you can reference from your first two months or two years at the most, that’s possible to preserve for evermore. And they’ve done studies with couples who have been together for 20 years and still show when they’re doing a functional MRI, scanning those parts of the brain light up when you are in love. Brad (18m 7s): The same parts light up 20 years later when they’re talking about their partner or their partner walks into the room. So that’s pretty cool. And how do you do it? What’s the secret? Ah, I’ve talked about it in some other shows, but basically it’s having this wonderful foundation where you have mutual respect for each other and you’re friends and you communicate well and all that great stuff. So, but you have to have that chemistry and Wendy references, studies of scent, where they believe that subconsciously the scent that another person gives off. And they, the message that comes to you is that you can detect someone that has a disparate immune system to your own, meaning that on a biochemical basis, evolutionary psychology basis, they represent a potential for an attractive partner, a suitable partner. Brad (18m 53s): In other words, you’re not going to be wildly attracted by your first cousin that you don’t know as your first cousin. It just not going to happen that way because that’s not a viable partner. Right? So, very interesting that we’re, we’re, we’re getting a lot of feedback from the natural scent that a potential partner gives off. What’s so bad about perfume and cologne and all those things that they mask this? So you get fooled, you get fooled by his cologne. You thought he was a nice guy, but really he was a boy toy or a player. Okay. So physical attraction and all, what that means is number one on the list. Number two is emotional regulation. Brad (19m 35s): You’re able to calm yourself. You’re able to keep a lid on your runaway emotions that can damage other people and bring the energy down in the room and bring the energy down in a relationship. What a wonderful thing to add to the list. Chris Gage, the writer on medium.com calls it emotional self-sufficiency. And she says that this is the number one relationship attribute. And it’s so far out there. And so far up there in level of importance that it doesn’t even, it’s not even worth talking about number two, number three, number four. Because if there is no emotional self-sufficiency, then there’s no potential for a proper loving relationship. John Gray life-changing insight. Brad (20m 16s): The essential assignment to the male is to be the Kung Fu master at all times, and to remain calm, cool, and collected through the hectic and stressful journey that we live in modern life. And so he says, males, you should never speak. If you have a negative emotional charge, you have to be that foundation that emotionally regulated and controlled person at all times. It doesn’t mean you need to stuff your feelings or not express your anger or, you know, your, your desires or your preferences in a relationship setting, but you don’t have to do it with that charge. With that, that outburst type of thing. You can say everything, all manner of feedback with loving kindness. Brad (20m 57s): And I personally will put in a huge plug for that. Cause I believe it’s possible. I believe it’s true. Yes. You got to speak your truth. You got to be vulnerable. You got to honor all the insights that I talked about on the Berne Brown show, where you’re not a faker and you’re not a eternally positive person because you’re you’re masking or you’re, you’re coping and compensating for a deep pain that you’re unable to express, but you can express yourself with loving kindness at all times. Why not life short after all? Why bring someone else down with you? Why not just bring yourself down and learn how to emotionally self-sooth and then step into her relationship with, you know, the power and the foundation. Okay. Number three on the list is empathy. Brad (21m 38s): And that’s, I guess the proper definition is being able to see things from someone else’s position of being in, put yourself in someone else’s shoes, right? Berne Brown makes it critical distinction there that, you know, being empathetic is going down there and being right there with the person in pain, but not staying there. Not getting brought down into the hole, just, you know, joining them, commiserating, whatever, validating it, and then, you know, popping right back out with your smile and going on with your daily life. So there’s that point where you have to protect yourself as you exercise your empathetic skills. Brad (22m 18s): And then finally, number four on Wendy’s list is impulse control. And I guess that really goes hand in hand with emotional regulation, but there’s also that ability to control your actions. And, you know, don’t do things that you’ll feel like you have to apologize for later, or that will, you know, nag you as bad decisions and actions that you took at the moment that seemed like a good idea at the time, but didn’t really turn out to be a good idea. All right. And as we get near the end of the show, let’s say everything worked out great and we fast forward down the line and now you got kids. Everything’s wonderful. Brad (22m 58s): And we’re going to try to figure out how to best raise our kids. We have some wonderful insights from Dr. Ron Sinha, who was a wonderful guest on the show. He was mostly talking about health and managing the exposure and your risk factors to global pandemic virus. But he also has wonderful insights about parenting on his blog, CulturalHealthSolutions.com. And so here’s an excerpt from one of his great articles. He says this: As highly motivated parents, we often push our children to start acting like adults from an early age. Yeah. We want them to speak right. Learn and behave like adults in an effort to do this, we enroll them in all types of extracurricular activities to advance them beyond their age. Brad (23m 41s): Yes. He’s reading at fourth grade level now. Oh, that’s wonderful. Yeah. You know what I’m talking about and seeing how he definitely knows because he’s down in Silicon Valley taking care of large employee populations that work for some of the world’s leading tech companies, Facebook, Google, Oracle. And so he’s dealing with one of the most affluent work populations in the world. Really the average income in the high-tech hub of California, Silicon Valley, San Francisco Bay area is 2.5 times the national average, the median home price for a simple average three bedroom, two bath tract home is 1.3 million or 1.2 million in the associated counties in that area. Brad (24m 24s): Absolutely crazy. And despite their relative level of affluence, there’s a widespread penchant for people suffering from FOMO, fear of missing out and keeping up with the Joneses. So all that influence just breeds scarcity and insecurity and consumerism. To the extent that Sinha has identified this as actual disease states that have metabolic consequences. So his patients are coming in, even though they make a good income and have far more than most people dream of they’re still suffering from having not enough and feeling a scarce insight and perspective about life. Brad (25m 8s): And so when it comes to parenting, typically going hand in hand with this hard driving hardworking professional in the high-income levels is that pushy helicopter parenting, which has become such the modern trend. And I’m interested in talking about it. I’ve had the, the topic come up on a few different shows and I think brought to light in our culture no more profoundly than with the college admissions, bribery scandal. Just the ridiculousness of that whole thing and what that means with the repercussions and all that’s going on to a lesser extent, obviously, but that parent looking over the kid’s shoulder, as they’re writing their essay and intervening too much with their sporting experience or their journey through school and other peak performance endeavors. Brad (25m 55s): So definitely seems like a trend, but, but I appreciate the wonderful point made by my son to me when he said, look, you can’t make a generalization about an entire generation. And in many ways we have it tougher now than you guys did a generation ago. It’s tougher to get a job. The, the cost of living the indexes are skyrocketing such that in the old days. And I can agree with this, you graduate college, you had an easy job offer. If you were in the proper majors that, you know, had a direct economic application like accounting or engineering, and you could go live in an apartment by the beach, if you wanted to or whatever and do okay. And now things are pretty crazy. Brad (26m 36s): So there’s a lot of struggling accordingly when kids want to follow their passions and dreams, but the economic prospects are dim. And all of a sudden they’re in a budget crunch right after really working hard to get a degree. And they’re out there serving beverages at Starbucks when they studied Russian literature or what have you. So we have the overt, disturbing examples of helicopter parenting and coddled kids who aren’t ready to cope with the real world. But we also have a ton of great kids out there who are pursuing their dreams and working hard and Oh my gosh, doing, doing great things. Okay. So yeah, let’s keep it real. There you go. And back to Sinha’s article. Brad (27m 18s): So we’re pushing these kids so hard. We want them to speak right, behave like adults. We put them into all this extracurricular stuff and then free play time is often perceived as a waste of time. Sleep is compromised. So kids can finish their grueling, rigorous schoolwork and all the extracurricular things they have to do. And the meals and snacks that become fast processed nutrient deficient choices. So kids can be quickly shuttled to school, piano, soccer, math, enrichment class, and so forth in a frenetic effort to get children to behave like adults and perform academically far beyond their years. We’re neglecting the fact that our kids are also being metabolically and medically accelerated into adulthood by developing conditions like type two diabetes, fatty liver and high cholesterol. Brad (28m 2s): Most pediatricians like Dr. Sinha’s wife Shelly were never thoroughly trained to treat conditions like type two diabetes, abnormal cholesterol and fatty liver, because these diseases were not supposed to appear in children or adolescents. Use this period of time as a parent. And you’re raising your kid to help the entire family adopt healthy practices and give kids the opportunity to daydream play mostly without screens and just be kids for a change. What a wonderful plug and parents can you acknowledge that some of this is going on, that the kids are being rushed around, like never before?I know from my comparison to being a kid previous to the digital age, that there was so much downtime, there was so much more one-on-one social interaction rather than interacting through technological devices. Brad (28m 56s): And so these kind of intangible skills that may be were seeming to be unrelated or unimportant on your path through life as a contributor to the, the, the economy actually turned out to be really important because being able to communicate, to network, to connect on a real level, and also to have that time to process and daydream and allow insights to come to you rather than be constantly busy and constantly stimulated and constantly distracted so that you don’t even have time to sit with your own thoughts. These are the ways that I was able to chart the course of my life. And all of us listening can reference that it wasn’t from constantly responding to text messages or swiping through social media, that we forged our path and kind of formulated our character, our dreams, and our destiny. Brad (29m 49s): So as a parent, if you have that opportunity to slow your kid down today. To establish off hours for the digital devices. I know a couple people that have a big, the mixing bowl on the kitchen table and the kids have to throw their phone into the bowl at 9:00 PM or whatever, and then have some family downtime where maybe they’re talking or doing a board game or something together, taking the dog for a walk around the walk at nighttime. I hardly ever see families out like this, but I have to say in 2020, I’ve seen much more wonderful examples of family bonding outdoors in nature because of the quarantine and whatever other Chucky Cheese options were closed down for the family. Brad (30m 31s): So that’s a good aspect of it is more family connection time, but of course the devices are always running the show. So this is a great little passage to relax a bit. Realize that your kid does not have to be in accelerated everything. And my insight that I can offer looking back now, my kids are adult age is I think in general parents believe they have more influence on their children’s destiny than they really do. And I would say that I fall into that category too, where I thought I had to create this ideal experience for the kid so that they would get interested in sports, music, art, being a good student, being a good person, eating healthy, exercising. Brad (31m 15s): And so I think we can all take a deep breath, relax, sit back and let your kid discover the world with them in the driver’s seat with you giving unconditional love and support and opening doors for them and availing them to offer entities that they may or may not take advantage of whatever lights them up themselves. So whatever their calling is, they’re going to figure out on their own. And maybe their calling is to blow the decade from their twenties to their thirties, making bad decisions, underperforming, not accessing their wonderful potential that the parent believes so strongly in. Brad (31m 56s): And you have much less control over that than you think. And so basically if you don’t screw up, that could be the greatest achievement as the parent, rather than helicoptering in so much and paying for a bribe so that your kid can get in to a school where they don’t even belong or deserve to be. Those are the kinds of things that can really screw up things up. I love the idea of thinking of yourself as a caddy for your child, the golfer. The caddy and the golfer have a unique relationship in sports. Unlike the coach of a team sport player, the golfer, the, the high-paid PGA or LPGA player actually hires and chooses the caddy and the caddy can get fired at a moment’s notice if the golfer is unhappy right with them. Brad (32m 37s): So the golfer is the boss and the caddy carries the bag and supports everything that the golfer is doing tries to be positive and encouraging provides information, but it doesn’t cross that line and try to influence the decisions excessively of the golfer. So the golfer is always in charge and now that they might come up, like when you watched Tiger Woods play Phil Mickelson in that made for TV challenge in Las Vegas where everyone was wearing a microphone, you can kind of get an interesting insight where the caddy is very beautiful. It has all the information the golfer needs. And so tiger woods will say, what’s the distance. And the caddy will say, it’s 166 yards. The pin is seven paces from the back of the green and the wind is left to right. Brad (33m 20s): And the, the golfer will say, yeah, I’m thinking six iron. And the caddy will say, great choice. You can do it. I like six iron, a nice soft six. Don’t overpower it. And that’ll be a typical exchange between the caddy and the golfer. And then if the golfer hits a terrible shot, you’re not going to hear the caddy chastise the golfer for being an idiot. Also, you’re not going to hear very often caddies trying to second guess the golfer and talk him out of his original choice because the golfers, the one that has to take the swing. The golfer has to own it It has to be the golfers intuition and the golfers commitment. So usually you hear the caddy offering words of support and confirmation. Once in a while, the caddy will make a bold and brave suggestion, especially if they have a good caddy player relationship where the golfer might, the caddy might say, you know, a five iron would be safer right now and you have a three shot lead. Brad (34m 11s): So let’s take the water out of play. What do you think? And the golfer will go, okay. All right, I’m going to take the five. And that’s the kind of, if you can transpose that to discussions with your kids, where many parents have a tendency to be overbearing and talk so forcefully and so frequently, because you have all that wisdom and life experience that your kid doesn’t, and you get to the extent where you’re not even listening to the kid. And pretty soon the, the dreams get blended together, where you forgot that your kid doesn’t really like football, and he would rather do a clay sculpture, but that was your whole life. And it worked for you. And so you, you know, threw that upon your kid from the time they were first able to throw on a toy helmet when they were six years old. Brad (34m 58s): And so, yeah, I’m just putting in a plug for sitting back, offering that unconditional love and support and guidance. And of course, having the boundaries and they, the structure, and if the kid needs to bump up against these types of things. Usually adolescents do need to bump up against rules and boundaries and limits as a, as a component of their personal growth. So I’m not saying that you’re going to be the cool dad, like on a Modern Family. Remember that first, if you watch the pilot, that guy looks at the camera and he goes, yeah, I’m, what’s known as the cool dad. He goes, I know all the lingo WTF. That means why the face. And so on. Very funny, Ben Greenfield wrote a wonderful blog article recently about becoming a real man, rather than just being a cool dad or the fun guy who was afraid to put in boundaries and guidelines and act like the King of the family. Brad (35m 51s): So go and read that because it’s really food for thought. And I’m talking about threading the needle here, where you’re not overbearing, but you’re also not a woosie boy when I’m talking to the male. Or in terms of the mom, you know, you see this pattern of the supermom intervening and trying to orchestrate every moment of your kids’ lives. So it’s perfect. So everybody take a deep breath. Kids come to the forefront, be all that you can be, explore the world and hopefully with the wonderful role modeling, which is also up there on the list of top things you can do as a parent, you’ll see a good role model in your life and want to be like them when you grow up. How about that? All right. That was our breather show on relationships and parenting. Brad (36m 35s): Enjoy. Thank you for listening feedback to get over yourself firstname.lastname@example.org. Thank you for listening to the show. We would love your feedback at email@example.com. And we would also love if you could leave a rating and a review on iTunes or wherever you listen to podcasts, I know it’s a hassle. You have to go to desktop iTunes, click on the tab that says ratings and reviews, and then click to rate the show anywhere from five to five stars. And it really helps spread the word so more people can find the show and get over themselves because they need to thanks for doing it.