(Breather) I keep the momentum going and the dream alive with more tightly focused insights from John Gray’s fantastic book, Beyond Mars and Venus, and his insights shared on episode 51 of the Get Over Yourself podcast!
In this show, I discuss Gray’s insights about how trouble happens in a relationship. Men who are overstressed and underappreciated become underconfident and emotional, as estrogen increases and testosterone drops. This leads to unregulated emotions, manipulative, passive-aggressive, overreacting behavior, and feeling sad, depressed, resentful, angry, and tired. Males need to feel valued and appreciated and be able to say, “I got this!” They need cave time to replenish testosterone by doing things that come with an expectation of success and appreciation.
An overstressed woman who overexpresses male side (e.g. the modern workplace) will resist help, be frustrated that she has to do too much, and feel overwhelmed. This is excess testosterone—not enough estrogen. They need to share feelings that they have suppressed during the male dominant workday—Venus talk to rebalance estrogen. A female who tries to express herself and isn’t listened to puts up walls and increases male side. An out of balance feel will become detached, cold, critical, independent (“I’ll do it myself”), goal oriented (“got so much to do”). Eventually, this will lead to exhaustion, resentment, dissatisfaction, difficulty sleeping, mental rigidity, resistance to change, low libido, and depression. John Gray says today’s female is really suffering like no other time in history, with record rates of depression, anxiety, and accordant medications being dispensed.
What females need to regain balance: be listened to and nurtured with Venus talks, hugs, foot massage, bubble bath. Have her wishes, needs and vulnerability respected. Some ways females can nurture their female hormones: social bonding, group activities, yoga, family time, book group self-nurturing, healthy eating, learning new skills, journaling, meditation, TV shows, candle bath, nature walk, anything she does for herself instead of others.
More about hormones
Testosterone is misunderstood. It’s the giving hormone, the focus hormone. Aggression is not enough Testosterone. Too much internal heat (estrogen) cut off in traffic!
Oxytocin is the bonding hormone. It grows with loving companionship, touch, affection, and attention. It allows estrogen to grow and testosterone and cortisol to lower. Hence, sex drive starts with Venus talk as foreplay! Oxytocin is good for males too, but it lowers Testosterone (after sex, you’ve given T, spike Oxy). John Gray says it’s best for males to bail after sex in order to rebuild Testosterone!
Vasopressin – elevated when we feel that we are needed and can be helpful. Man needs testosterone high to respond to vasopressin.
By the way, these hormones are associated with an optimal balance of brain neurotransmitters: dopamine, serotonin, GABA, and Acetylcholine.
Dopamine: Pleasure motivation focus .
Serotonin: Optimism, gratitude, appreciation.
Acetylcholine: Language, intelligence, comprehension.
Are conflict-free relations just a dream? No! It’s possible, and studies with successful long-term romantic couples prove that it’s possible to maintain that romantic spark for decades! Functional MRI results show that happy long-term couples light up brain areas in the same manner as new couples who have fallen deeply in love. They are even one better than that because the familiarity and friendship bond developed over the years, combined with the attraction action, lights up the brain all over.
Marching Orders – Males
- Right from John Gray, listen up!: “Never speak when you have an emotional charge. Go to the cave! Pretty simple. When you say, ‘I feel hurt,’ this is death to a relationship. You must remain calm, cool, and collected, and do what works. If you don’t know what works, don’t do anything. And don’t speak—that’s the most important thing. Quiet the mind. Stop talking. How many times do I have to tell you this? Don’t talk! Wait until she feels happy and appreciative of your support to make small requests in as few words as possible without emotional charge.”
- Preventing defensiveness: listen up to the point you detect you’re getting a little defensive, and then announce “I hear you” this ends the convo. Female must trust this process. If he gets defensive he will trigger fight or flight and spike testosterone to solve the problem but will not be able to feel empathy or compassion.
Marching Orders – Females
- Never use a complaining tone of voice. This will hit the man hard (he thrives on appreciation). Even minor complaints will be extremely annoying (he’ll feel like it’s a mother scolding a child). A non-demanding request frees him to choose a different action on his own and supports his assertive, problem-solving masculine side.
- For example, females can state everything as a preference. Giving the message that he’s good enough and that she needs help will always get him to do more. It will keep his testosterone high so that he is willing to help. It creates a pair- bonding experience, increasing vasopressin. This increases his attraction and desire to bond with her.
- Repeated complaints will make him feel like he’s inadequate and he will have less confidence and less motivation. When he becomes overly dependent on her direction and approval, and finds himself saying sorry all the time, it increases oxytocin and estrogen and suppresses testosterone and shuts him down.
- Over time he becomes overly emotional, passive, and moody. Complaining makes men do less, not more. Do not expect an empathetic female-style response when you engage with a male. He needs to disengage and mull over the complaint so that he can decide to change his behavior. If he doesn’t say anything, say, “you’re thinking about this right?”
Listening and Communicating – Marching Orders
Unsolicited advice criticisms suggestions and complaints and judgments are unproductive for a relationship. What happens is we tend to react automatically in a stressful response:
- Communication based on right or wrong is an attempt to control, punish, or shame.
- Be vigilant to be accountable for your mistakes, forgive others, and realize the destruction of harmful past programming. Balance hormones and focus on what works!
- Hold back on reactions that don’t work, implement stuff that does work. When there’s a problem, take time to lower stress reflect on what did it work, and what we can do that work in the future.
- Accept that which we cannot change, Appreciate what can change, and have the wisdom to know the difference (sound familiar? Yes, Twelve Step motto.)
- Radical acceptance: Accept that life is not perfect, your partner is not perfect, and new challenges will arise. Offer less resistance, less attachment, and more acceptance. Unconditional love provides us with great comfort. Unexpected turns in life bring new opportunities for greater wisdom, strength, and love.
Final Thoughts From John Gray
Most of the time relationship challenges come from unrealistic expectations of ourselves or our partner.
- Let go of resentment; open your heart to forgiveness,
- Transform anger into passing annoyance
- If you can’t meet these marching orders, where is the hope for future generations?
- Practice effortless patience. Remember silence is golden
Learn it, know it, live it! Thank you John Gray, and thanks for listening to the Get Over Yourself podcast!
- What happens when we get in trouble with our hormone imbalance? [03:36]
- Under-expressing your male side leads to unregulated emotions. [05:43]
- When a female over-expresses her male side, there is trouble. She will probably resist help.[07:08]
- The best way to nurture the female side is social bonding activities. [10:26]
- There are some interesting studies about testosterone levels in conjunction with some competitions or emergencies. [12:35]
- The female has a heightened need for oxytocin throughout life. [14:20]
- Foreplay starts with Venus talk. [16:24]
- Vasopressin is elevated when we feel that we are needed and can be helpful. [17:02]
- Is it possible to have conflict-free relationships or is it just a dream? Here are some tips. [21:24]
- The male needs to walk away when he can no longer listen with empathy. [25:50]
- Females should never ever use a complaining tone of voice. [26:38]
- Okay, so unsolicited advice is unproductive for a relationship [28:38]
- When there is a problem take some time to lower stress. [30:02]
- Most of the time our relationship challenges come from unrealistic expectations of both ourselves and of our partner. [31:24]
- Beyond Mars and Venus
- Podcast with John Gray
- Vasopressin: antidiuretic hormone
- Gaba: anxiety busting hormone
- “The Edge Effect” Test
- “Doing things for herself instead of others, we’ll bring her back into her optimal female balance.”
- “Moodiness, irritability, crankiness, unregulated emotions is a sign of testosterone suppression.”
- “Complaining makes men do less, not more.”
LISTEN:Download Episode MP3
Brad: 00:08 Welcome to the get over yourself podcast. This is author and athlete, Brad Kearns, discovering ways to be healthy, fit and happy in hectic, high stress modern life. So let’s slow down and take a deep breath. Take a cold plunge and expertly balanced that competitive intensity with an appreciation of the journey. That’s the theme of the show.
Brad: 01:27 Female tries to express her female side and if not listened to Amiga no habla. So you come home, you’re ready to event, and you’re a male partner. It’s either interrupting you and trying to solve all your problems for you or just doesn’t want to bother listening to you for five to seven to 10 minutes and then giving you a hug after an ending on a positive note, the females will put up walls and increased their male side. They’ll fall further out of balance. Oxytocin grows with loving companionship, touch, affection, the attention. It allows estrogen to flourish and testosterone to lower and also for cortisol to lower. For the male oxytocin and it’s all feel good. But guess what? It lowers the testosterone so after sexual activity, after orgasm, you’ve given all your testosterone away your oxytocin spikes because you feel bonded and connected. But according to John Gray, the best thing to do is to go away.
Brad: 03:36 Here we go. With more, more, more deconstructing of the great work of John Gray. Please listen to our wonderful interview as well as the first breather show where we talked about the assignments for males and females to be the best they can be and bring out the best in their partner. Now on this show we’re going to talk about what happens when we get in trouble, when we get out of hormone balance, and then how to bring it back, what needs males and females can get fulfilled and turn the corner.
Brad: 04:33 Then we’re going to talk more about the hormones because you keep hearing these references to testosterone, estrogen. We’ll also talk about oxytocin, the bonding, the love hormone as well as Vasopressin, and then the connection between these gender dominant hormones and the optimal brain chemicals, neurotransmitters like Dopamine, Serotonin, and Gaba. It’s all interwoven. It’s all about being the best you can be, but taking these practical tips and taking them to heart. Remember from the last show, males, you never need to complain or express yourself when you have an emotional charge. Go off into your cave, relax, do some testosterone building activities and come back. And now we’ll talk about how to state your preferences and your needs in a productive manner so that good work can happen. Good progress can happen in the relationship. Unfortunately, busy, stressful, hectic, modern life. We often find ourselves getting into trouble and getting our hormones out of balance.
Brad: 05:43 So when a male is overstressed and under-confident, perhaps not getting the appreciation he craves or for whatever other reason, getting turned down too many times when approaching females, he gets emotional. Estrogen increases and testosterone drops under expressing his male side leads to unregulated emotions, manipulative, passive, aggressive, overreacting behavior. And the man feeling sad, depressed, resentful, angry, and tired. What the male needs to pull out of this hole is to feel valued, to feel appreciated, to be able to say, I got this. The favorite words of the male deep down. So taking this cave time to go solve problems, be alone, interact with other males, replenishing testosterone and building up an expectation of success and appreciation. So the mere expectation of success and appreciation is enough to boost testosterone. Not necessarily going out there and actually succeeding, but preparing for the big championship game and practicing and feeling like you had a good practice. That is the male in his glory.
Brad: 07:08 Female getting into trouble, man. Busy, hectic, stressful, modern life. Over-expressing testosterone, male side in the modern workplace, a female who over-expresses for male side will resist help. Hey, can I help you out? No, I got it. I’m fine. She’ll be frustrated that she has to do too much. Even as she resists help and she’ll feel overwhelmed. This is excess testosterone and not enough estrogen. Females need to share their feelings that they have suppressed during the male dominant workday. They need their Venus Talk as detailed in the previous breather show, the female who tries to express her female side and is not listened to Amiga hablas. So you come home, you’re ready to event, and you’re a male partners either interrupting you and trying to solve all your problems for you or just doesn’t want to bother and listening to you for five to seven to 10 minutes and then giving you a hug after an ending on a positive note, these females will put up walls and increase their male side, so they’ll fall further out of balance. Get it?
Brad: 08:17 A female stuck in a male dominant pattern will seem detached, cold, critical, independent. I’ll do it myself. Goal Oriented, Oh, I’ve got so much to do. I’m so stressed, exhausted, resentful, dissatisfied, have difficulty sleeping, be exhibiting signs of mental rigidity and resistance to change. She’ll have low libido, low-grade depression and, oh my gosh. John Gray is pointing this out as an epidemic problem with today’s female due to the rapidly evolving gender roles, which we all point to societal progress, but it does have a hidden cost if you fail to pay attention to the critical need to balance hormones. Today’s female is really suffering, says John Gray, depression, anxiety, and a tremendous pattern of medicating for these ills, so let’s do it the right way. Let’s do it the natural way. What does the female need to get back into balance? Females listen up. Males listen up. You can give her what she needs and that’s your ultimate expression of your male side.
Brad: 09:26 The female needs to be listened to, to be nurtured, to give her a hug. Listen to her talk. Make her dinner, give her a foot massage. There’s your winning formula for the female coming home from a stressful day at work. She needs to know that being vulnerable is okay. She can shed a few tears when she walks in the door after being tough gal at work all day. Her needs her wishes and her intuition must be respected. Huh? I don’t feel right. I want you to go downstairs and double check that the front door’s locked. I feel funny. Okay, Sweetie. I’ll be right back. Popping up out of bed, sprinting down the stairs, double checking the door. Even though you’re 99.7% positive that you locked it at the end of the evening. That is a female to needs, wishes and intuition respected. Do not complain or blame a female or you will send her further out of balance.
Brad: 10:26 How to nurture the female side, the female needs, social bonding group activities, Yoga class, family time. Heading off to the book group gathering, lingering at the coffee shop. Self-nurturing is also important. So that means eating healthy foods, learning new skills, taking some time to journal, especially the gratitude journal that’s becoming so popular now. Engaging in meditation, watching TV shows. Oh, did you see what happened on the Bachelorette last weekend? Let’s talk about it at the beauty salon. As we engage in self care, gossip, uh, getting inspired to watch more TV shows, taken the candle bath, taking a walk in nature, doing things for herself instead of others, we’ll bring her back into her optimal female balance.
Brad: 11:18 Let’s talk a little bit more insights about the hormones that is such the foundation of John Gray’s new book Beyond Mars and Venus. So testosterone is widely mischaracterized and misunderstood. We kinda just target this as the aggression hormone. And so we encounter a high intensity male driver who cuts us off and screams at us out the window and you say, Hey man, you’ve got too much testosterone. But actually remember what we talked about before that moodiness, irritability, crankiness, unregulated emotions is a sign of testosterone suppression. So the most aggressive males out there in society are actually low testosterone rather than high testosterone. Truly testosterone could be called the giving hormone, the focused hormone. It brings out the best in your peak performance capabilities, but not necessarily with aggression. Sure, sometimes if you’re getting ready to a fight in MMA battle in the cage, you want that testosterone high so that you can focus and bring out the best of your skills. But we need to have the complete definition here. Understood as it plays out in your daily life and the importance of constantly nourishing it and regenerating it.
Brad: 12:35 A great book by Ashley Merryman and Po Bronson, uh, about testosterone, talking about how the chess masters, uh, they, they’ve studied the great chess masters and notice that their testosterone levels are vastly higher than their opponents. Uh, a prominent reason why they win the chess match. Oh, another great anecdote from Ashley, uh, talking about the, uh, the fire department rushing to the scene of an emergency. And so a couple a guys get out with their axes and they chop the door down and they rush into the burning building to save the people. And that is an example of an elevated testosterone being the best they can be. Bringing out their male side and executing the plan. And then, uh, the one of the victims is ushered into the ambulance and the paramedic jumps in the ambulance and all of a sudden in this elevated testosterone peak performance state has to remember the exact doses of medication and replay that to the emergency room physician when they hand the patient off. And so they’re not using their muscles and swinging the ax. But both the examples are examples of, uh, the benefits, the beauty of testosterone kicking in and, uh, assisting with all manner of peak performance. I hope I explained that well.
Brad: 13:48 Anyway, back to the, uh, the discussion here. So remember that commentary about when you suppress testosterone, males, you generate internal heat, it gets built up too much and you get emotional. So they’re cutting off somebody and giving them the finger and traffic. Uh, we talk about oxytocin, probably familiar with that. People call it the love hormone, the bonding hormone. Uh, it’s spikes in females after they give birth. Uh, it spikes after sexual activity in both the male and the female. The female has a heightened need for oxytocin throughout life. Remember, the females predominant biological drive is to love and give and connect. So when you go out on girls’ night or when you go to the salon to get your nails done and your hair done and your pedicure, these are ways that nurture and boost oxytocin.
Brad: 14:41 For the male, oxytocin is also good. But guess what? It lowers testosterone. So after sexual activity after orgasm, you’ve given all your testosterone away, your oxytocin spikes because you feel bonded and connected. But according to John Gray, the best thing to do is to go away at that point. Oh man, I gotta bail. You were awesome. Thanks. Uh, you know, I’ll text you later. Yeah. So anyway, go away and get some cave time to immediately begin rebuilding testosterone so that, uh, your next interaction in a social setting the next morning, whatever, uh, you’re on your way to feeling good and rebuilding and being the man that you can be. Interesting stuff. Uh, sorry, John, if you object to my little ad libbing in there.
Brad: 15:31 Okay. So oxytocin grows with loving companionship, touch, affection, attention. It allows estrogen to flourish and testosterone to lower and also for cortisol to lower. So when you can get those stress hormones under control, uh, speaking to the males here. Yeah, your testosterone has been suppressed with all that cuddling and nurturing, but you’re in a position to go and regenerate testosterone because your stress hormones are also lowered after loving companionship with your female partner. Okay. So you just have to go and take those cave time activities, right? Eventually your sex drive will increase and you’ll start all over again with the wonderful world of hormone balancing activities and living the best life that you can. So this is what foreplay is all about is building up that sex drive in both the male and the female in foreplay starts with Venus Talk. That’s right. Oh my gosh.
Brad: 16:32 Don’t you want to spare that five to 10 minutes to listen to your female vent about her busy, stressful day? Not necessarily workplace, but let’s say taking care of the kids and how difficult it was that Jimmy forgot his homework and we had to rush back home and then get back there right in time for the meeting. Oh my gosh. I hear you. Tell me more. No solutions. Remember what, introduce, bring the homework and leave it in the car in the morning and his backpack. That would have been better. No, no, no. And oh listen, validate, support. Give a hug at the end.
Brad: 17:02 Here’s another hormone that John Gray talks about a lot in the book. Vasopressin. This is elevated when we feel that we are needed and can be helpful. The man will respond nicely to vasopressin but he needs his testosterone elevated to be able to utilize this hormone properly. Uh, the optimal balance of these hormones, testosterone, estrogen, Vasopressin, and oxytocin are linked to optimal levels of the important brain neurotransmitters like dopamine, Serotonin, and Gaba. So when you are nurturing and balancing your male side and your female side, then your brain is working properly. You’re in a good mood, you have energy. Life is great. Dopamine is associated with the sensation of pleasure and also motivation and focus. Remember, we talk about the Ding of the text message gives you a spike of dopamine because it’s a new novel stimulation that the human is hardwired to respond to. That’s kind of a negative example, right? But we want our dopamine in balance so that we’re capable of experiencing pleasure, uh, motivation and focus. That’s why video games are so addictive, especially to the male. Is that the dopamine spike that you get from video games and from watching porn according to John Gray and Wendy Walsh as well, uh, is sort of elevated beyond what you can experience in normal everyday life. And that’s why we have grave concerns about that. Uh, John Gray’s talking about how the destruction of the, uh, the, the ideal relationship in modern times due to these hacks where we can hack the dopamine pathway, uh, with video games and porn. So we don’t need a real relationship where we have to work hard and work through and have a sit through Venus Time for five to seven minutes. So we can build foreplay the natural way, but of course you might add or might make the intuitive leap to realize that, uh, doing it in real life and truly honoring our genetic drives and our hormonal hard wiring is vastly more satisfying in the long run than the modern times of biohacking and shortcutting the pathways to pleasure. Hope. So anyway, right?
Brad: 19:20 Serotonin is associated with optimism, gratitude and appreciation. And remember, we heard a lot of those words interjecting here with the male getting into his testosterone balance and striving for and seeking that appreciation from the outside world.
Brad: 19:36 Gaba the neurotransmitter that is associated with relaxation. So again, getting those stress hormones lowered by pulling out of dysfunctional relationship dynamics and optimizing levels of dopamine, Serotonin, Gaba, and there’s a fourth one, uh, the neurotransmitter balance, uh, the, the, the, “The Edge Effect” by a Braverman. The book, uh, uh, Acetylcholine is associated with C’mon listeners helped me out, uh, intelligence concentration, uh, in another, a prominent neurotransmitter. It’s “The Edge Effect” by Eric Braverman and you can take the Braverman test, a lengthy exam of questions that identify your, uh, dominant neurotransmitter and also the, uh, neurotransmitter that you tend to be deficient in and then engage in, uh, eating and behavior patterns to kind of nourish those, uh, your personal neurotransmitter balance. Really interesting. I took the test and the test is actually been found to be more accurate than laboratory blood tests. Just your subjective answers. Like at a party, I tend to hang out in the corner and talk to a few people rather than strive to be the center of attention. Uh, strongly agree, strongly disagree, that kind of thing. And you go on down the line and the results have been found to be more accurate than actually testing a, a saliva and blood levels of the neurotransmitters. So, uh, I was found to be Gaba dominant and Gaba deficient. So really counting on that thing to be in balance I guess is the takeaway. Okay. Back to the John Gray stuff.
Brad: 21:24 Here’s some of his conclusion statements. Fabulous crescendo of a conclusion to his book that just got me so inspired. I kept the momentum going the very next day, made that rash decision to go propose to Mia Moore cause I felt like throughout our interview and through the book, he was describing the ideal partner in the ideal relationship dynamics. And I’m keep thinking that he’s describing my girl here. So what am I waiting for? Oh yeah. Fun Times. Thank you John Gray. Anyway, so the conclusion is, uh, is it possible to have conflict free relationships or is it just a dream? John Gray says, no, it’s very possible.
Brad: 22:06 The way you get there, right? You got to speak your mind. You got to have your demands and your boundaries. Mia Moore made fun of that statement. Draw your boundaries. It says, what the heck for why do you have to keep drawing your boundaries? Why can’t you have a relationship where they’re just, you know, flowing and respected. I loved that come back anyway. What you do to strive for the relationship that you need is to state your preferences in a calm manner. Males never, ever speak with any emotional charge. Instead, go back to your cave and do testosterone boosting activities. Pretty simple. In fact, if you have a preference, wait until she feels happy and appreciative of your support to make a small request in as few words as possible without an emotional charge. Oh, I’m thinking of the example of backseat driving. I remember one of my very few, uh, contentious conversations with Mia Moore. I said, you know, girl, uh, I’m piloting this 2000 pound vehicle and I have to make a split second decision. So it’s tough. So it’s tough to process the feedback in real time here while I’m driving and we kind of hacked it out back and forth. Well then you shouldn’t get that close to a truck. I’m like granted a point taken. And then, uh, I remember at one point she said, all right, that’s enough. We’ve talked it over. I got Ya.
Brad: 23:40 And it was a profound, uh, relationship experience for me because she meant it from the bottom of her heart that it was done. It’s over with. Everyone’s been respected and heard and it was time to move on. And we moved on. Absolutely fantastic insight and strategy. Uh, because usually I discover in real life, we end up with those flippant comments at the end of a contentious discussion, wherever it is, workplace relationship, uh, parenting a teenager, whatever. And so it kind of ends with, um, smoldering, a smoky instead of smiles. So there’s another tip interjected here, but the male is absolutely compelled to wait until she feels happy and appreciative before making any request and to prevent getting defensive. Listen, remember Venus Talk, you’re listening, listening, or if it’s being directed at you, it doesn’t really qualify as Venus Talk. But if there’s an engagement, you listen up to the point that you detect, you’re getting a little defensive and then you announce, “I hear you and this is the end of the conversation.”
Speaker 2: 24:49 You have to retreat and walk away when you detect you’re getting a little defensive. Females must trust this process. So if the female gets offended that you have to walk away, that you’re compelled to walk away at that moment and says, “hey, don’t go anywhere. I’m not done.” Or if the male, uh, remains in the conversation and starts to get defensive, this will trigger the fight or flight response causing hormone imbalances to be exacerbated. What will the male do? He will try to solve all the females problems on the spot because he’s so wise and uh, has so many insights that can make her a better person. You know what your problem is that Ah, Dah, Dah, Dah, Dah. The female will get emotional. Remember, detached cold, critical making statements that she can do everything yourself. Now she’ll be independent, uh, exhausted, resentful, dissatisfied, mental rigidity, resistance to change.
Brad: 25:50 Meanwhile, while the man is trying to solve all her problems, she’ll have mental rigidity and resistance to change. Sounds like your typical draining argument, doesn’t it? Okay, so let the male walkaway when he detects that point where he can no longer and listen with empathy or compassion. Because when you spike stress hormones, you lose your empathy and compassion. This is chemical stuff, not because you’re a weak, pathetic loser that needs to suck it up and listen longer. But because we’re trying to honor our basic nature and our hard wiring and our requirement for hormone balance, okay, so male summary points. Don’t speak with the emotional charge. Go into your cave instead. Wait until she feels happy and appreciative to make your small request in as few words as possible. And don’t get defensive. Walk away if you feel that way.
Brad: 26:38 Female assignments, never ever use a complaining tone of voice. This will hit the man hard because remember, he’s hardwired to crave appreciation, not complaints. Even if it’s something minor, it will be extremely annoying to the male. Instead, make your requests in a non demanding tone of voice. This frees him to choose a different action on his own. It’s his idea, right? You always make the boss seem like it’s their idea and then everybody looks good. This will support his assertive problem solving, masculine side, stating your preferences, giving him the message that he’s good enough and that she needs help. We’ll always get the male to do more and it will keep his testosterone high so that he’s willing to help. It creates a pair bonding experience with increased Vasopressin that increases his attraction and desire to bond with her. Repeated complaints on the other hand, we’ll make him feel like he’s inadequate. He’ll have less confidence, less motivation. He’ll become overly dependent on her direction and approval. Find himself saying sorry all the time. He’ll have oxytocin spiking because he’ll be in this bonding, codependent relationship, but his estrogen will rise and his testosterone will suppress and that’ll shut his ass down over time. What happens to the relationship? The male becomes overly emotional and passive in moody because his male side has been suppressed. Complaining makes men do less, not more. We’re still in the female category of female assignments. Do not expect an empathetic female style response when you complain. Instead, he needs to disengage mull over the complaint and then decide on his own to change his behavior. Okay.
Brad: 28:38 The final section, I’m calling a listening and communicating, so males got their marching orders. Females got your marching orders. Never ever use a complaining tone of voice. Repeated complaints will make him feel like he’s inadequate. He’ll become overly emotional, passive, moody and drag ass. Okay. Listening, communicating, males and females heads up. Listen Up. Unsolicited advice, criticisms, suggestions and complaints, even friendly, helpful ones. Did you know that bread has a lot of gluten in it and it can provoke an inflammatory response in your gut microbiome? Shut up and let me eat my sandwich. Okay, so unsolicited shit are unproductive for a relationship. What happens in those occasions is we react automatically with a stress response. For example, communication based on right or wrong is an attempt to control, punish or shame. Number Two: Be vigilant, to be accountable for your mistakes, forgive others, and realize the destruction of harmful past programming that you’re bringing into present day. Maybe it was past relationships or traumatic childhood experiences that you’re bringing onto your partner and heaping on their life. They don’t deserve it, man. Be Vigilant.
Brad: 30:02 Be Accountable for your mistakes. Balance Your hormones. You know what to do now and focus on what works. Number three, hold back on reactions that don’t work. You know it doesn’t work. You know she doesn’t like to be hit with a whole bunch of to do list items as she’s rushing out the door in the morning, whatever the example is, and focus on implementing stuff that does work and listening in Venus Talk for five to seven to 10 minutes, giving her a hug at the end. Then making dinner, given her a foot massage. All as well. When there is a problem, take some time to lower stress. Reflect on what did work and what we can do that will work in the future. Number four, except that which we cannot change. Appreciating what we can change and have the wisdom to know the different. Sound familiar?
Brad: 30:53 That’s one of the 12 steps. Ah, let go of the need to be perfect. Finally, number five, radical acceptance. That life is not perfect. You’re partner is not perfect and new challenges will arise. Have less resistance, less attachment and more acceptance. Unconditional love provides us with great comfort, unexpected turns in life, bring new opportunities for greater wisdom, strength and love. And most of the time the why can’t we get here? Most of the time our relationship challenges come from unrealistic expectations of both ourselves and our partner. Wow. So to get out of that, this is the final words from John Grace. So powerful and profound. Let go of resentment. Open your heart to forgiveness. I know most people listening here are not starting with a clean slate. Yeah, we’ve had one date. It’s going great. Well that’s the case for Doctor Stevie, but for most of us, we’ve been in relationship, we’ve been through some of these patterns.
Brad: 31:54 We know what works and what doesn’t. So wherever you are, have been, Let go of resentment. Open your heart to forgiveness. Transform anger into passing annoyance, okay. Passing annoyances allowed, but males eat it, man. Swallow it, man up. Quit blowing off your top and letting every single emotion out. Wait until you don’t have a negative emotional charge to speak like a dog. Sit. Stay down. Shut up. Wait until your emotional charge goes away. Oh, that’s too tough. You can’t do it. Yeah, I’m American. I got my, my emotional. What do you expect? You know what? If you can’t do it, what hope is there for the rest of the world? This is John Gray’s words. Wow, that one stopped me in my tracks, man. I got kids. Y’All got kids. You want to model for your kids, right? Model, exemplary behavior. You want your kids to make a difference in the world.
Brad: 32:53 Make the world a better place. So if you can’t manage your emotions, if you can’t shut up until your negative emotional charge goes away. Notice how I’m speaking a little bit more aggressively to the men than the ladies out there. But the ladies, we got some love for you to, Huh? Just cause I care that much. All the ladies, all the ladies do not use a complaining tone of voice ever. Ah, thank you. Practice effortless patience. And remember that silence is golden. Thank you for listening. Thank you. John Gray “Beyond Mars and Venus” is his transformative book. Go grab it and listen to it. Read it. It’ll change your life.
Brad: 33:42 Thank you for listening to the show. We would love your feedback @ firstname.lastname@example.org and we would also love if you could leave a rating and a review on iTunes or wherever you listen to podcasts. I know it’s a hassle. You have to go to desktop, iTunes, click on the tab that says ratings and reviews, and then click to rate the show anywhere from five to five stars. And it really helps spread the word so more people can find the show and get over themselves because they need to. Thanks for doing it!