Sometimes the simplest questions lead to the most interesting conversations. I asked a friend recently: “How are you doing?” and he had the coolest answer, one that spoke volumes about his self-awareness: “I’m trying to be a better parent.”
We ended up having such a stimulating conversation about how to be a better parent (my friend is currently raising toddlers, while my own kids are now 24 and 26.) Whether you are a new parent, an older parent, or just thinking about having kids one day, here are four helpful insights:
1. Self-reflect.
One of the best things you can do to become a better parent is to reflect on your ingrained attitudes and behavior patterns. One of the first things my friend brought up was his desire to avoid undesirable patterns from his childhood and model favorable ones.
He also brought up a great example from his time playing big-time Texas 5A high school football, explaining how his peers kept him in check with great effectiveness because the coach would always be informed when a player acted up in school. The effectiveness came from the fact that it was never just the person who acted up who received the consequence—instead, it was everyone on the team. They all had to run to exhaustion thanks to the offender (who often got roughed up in the locker room after practice as a reminder not to repeat). Hazing concerns aside, this is a great model for a thriving high school community overall.
2, Are you overparenting?
It seems that kids are generally over-parent these days, so it is important to observe cultural norms before deciding how you want to proceed. Perhaps with sufficient reflection, you will decide to do it your way instead of just following the norms. However, there is a delicate balance to walk here when it comes to certain situations, such as the question of “helping” kids with things like homework and college admission essays. If you choose to ignore cultural norms, your kid might fall behind the insane pace of today’s competitive work. Things like homework can seem like overkill when they already spend six hours a day in school and most don’t exercise enough, but you also can’t ignore the reality of how things work. For example, if your kid gets a single B in high school, their chances of getting admitted to the most selective University of California schools (UCLA, UC Berkeley, UC Santa Barbara, UC San Diego, UC Irvine) is drastically reduced. There are too many applicants with perfect grades. Even if your values and beliefs are for kids to have down time, free time, more exercise, and so forth, it becomes a dilemma when you see families around you choosing into the most intense and pressurized academic and athletic experiences.
There was a great Hyundai commercial that aired during the 2024 Paris Olympics that offered a counter-culture parenting message. It showed parents interacting with kids as they have various difficult sporting experiences—a little kid getting whomped in wrestling, being on the bench instead of the game, and so forth. The parental comments are refreshing: “I want you to do what makes you happy” and “Maybe it’s time to take a break.” Then, in the final frame, the tag line comes on the screen: “NEVER GIVE UP….….on finding what you love.”
Hyundai’s campaign stands in stark contrast to those of other Olympic sponsors. Nike unveiled their highly anticipated Summer Games ads, which glorify the ruthless competitive intensity exhibited by many of their champion athletes. The Nike spot was narrated with relish by Willem Dafoe. He mentions numerous negative qualities that are exhibited by many sporting greats, including an obsession with power, an inability to be satisfied, and a lack of care for others’ feelings. Society gives them a free pass because we glorify winning at all costs.
3. How big is our influence, really?
My biggest takeaway from my conversation with my friend was that ultimately, we have less influence than we think on our kids’ destiny. So, give your ego a rest and do your best and dispense unconditional love and all the support you can for their journey. Realize that we have a distinct ability to screw them up, but their positives and successes will also be largely self-directed. For example, my sister was valedictorian at Yale. This was her natural destiny. No one pushed her, incentivized her, looked over her shoulder to check her work, nor lavished effusive praise upon her for every accolade. She just followed her desire and curiosity to learn. It seems the most effective method of helping your kid be successful is to be your kid’s caddy, hand them the requested club, open doors for them, and merely give them opportunities. Okay, maybe show them how to hit that 150-yard high fade, but don’t cross the line into the lawnmower parent zone!
4. Praise—more harmful than helpful?
After my conversation with my friend, I sent him one of my favorite articles, a life-changing 2007 New York Times piece called “How To Not Talk To Your Kids: The Power (and Peril) of Praise” that I thought about every day for years as a parent. It highlights Carol Dweck’s work in Mindset. Briefly, the idea is to praise effort, praise character, but you don’t really need to praise results—this sets your kid up for a protective mindset vs. a growth mindset.
Furthermore, if your kid sinks the winning bucket or gets straight As, they can bask in their own success. If a parent says something as innocent as, “I’m proud of you,” you risk diminishing the kid’s self-satisfaction and turning them into a show pony for parental approval. Instead, rephrase your compliments, like: “You should be proud of yourself.” Similarly, (and this is a little controversial), telling a daughter, “You’re so pretty,” can risk her trafficking on her physical appearance and being unhealthily influenced by related cultural forces. Besides, whatever a parent says gets overridden on the playground anyway. “You’re pretty, you’re a great athlete, you’re a talented artist” all becomes blather that a kid tunes out as they struggle to navigate their place in the social order. Those destined to be supermodels or professional athletes or top selling artists intuit this in elementary school, and then there are the chosen few who face their own set of challenges, so be careful what you wish for with your kid’s attributes and success path, because being an NFL player, a valedictorian, a runway sensation, or a successful artist is no guarantee of happiness anyway
5. The Traffic Cop Parenting Method.
During our discussion about parenting, my friend brought up the importance of trying to not raise your voice at your kids (maybe because of a pattern from his childhood). One of my favorite discipline tips is to act like a traffic cop. When you are pulled over for speeding, the cop comes to the window and says, “License and registration please, I pulled you over for speeding.”
When you break the law, you experience consequences. The cop does not shout criticism, anger, or lecturing at the window for your careless and dangerous behavior choices. Establish what the book Positive Discipline calls “natural consequences” (those that are related to the offense; get a speeding ticket, lose car privileges), and get used to saying the word “bummer” a lot. You missed curfew? Bummer, you can’t go to the movies the next day.
There is a difference between natural consequences and doling out draconian punishments that are not related to the offense, as this creates resentment. You teach your kids by being the example, and you also teach them how they can treat you and how much you will tolerate as a parent. Your kid will notice a pattern if you are lenient with consequences, but if you give them an appropriate punishment so they are clear on what the consequences are for certain behavior, they won’t be eager to try your patience again—they will just want to avoid the consequence again.
In fact, I think a cooperative approach is ideal, where we together establish curfew or agreed upon chores and incentives, as well as punishments. This way, your kid has a say, instead of feeling resentment caused by the common response, “Because I said so.”
Psychologist James Hillman also pointed out the importance of balancing the amount of expectations you place on your kid, as having no expectations causes issues. Hillman says, “It’s worse for the child to grow up in a vacuum where ‘whatever you do is alright, I’m sure you’ll succeed.’ That is a statement of disinterest. It says, ‘I really have no fantasies for you at all.’ A mother should have some fantasy about her child’s future. It will increase her interest in the child, for one thing. To turn the fantasy into a program to make the child fly an airplane across the country, for example, isn’t the point. That’s the fulfillment of the parent’s own dreams. That’s different. Having a fantasy—which the child will either seek to fulfill or rebel against furiously—at least gives a child some expectation to meet or reject.”
